Match Reports DLWE 2014/15


  1. October 10, 2014 at 10:39 am

    Wednesday 1st October 2014 – 1st Team
    In the pre-season I’d won a very tight match against Doug Mac and so was fighting hard for the No.2 position in the team. When I told David Craig (our usual No.4/5) the news of my hard-fought victory he said, without a hint of sarcasm “Oh has Doug not been playing at all over the summer then?”. Thanks Dave! (I dropped him from the 1st match!).

    Good to see that as of today we (David Lloyd West End) are top of the table to Giffnock in 2nd place?!?! What a result – and quite frankly Newlands must be embarrassed with their 6th place showing (OK it may be alphabetical at the moment, but you’ve gotta take your victories when they come!). West League Table

    So the first pairings to arrive together were all of Whitecraigs Rugby Club (except my guy) and our new team member Colin (Clarke) – so Colin went on first at No.4. against Nairn McMaster and immediately went 1-0 up. Great start I thought! Never expected that. And that’s when I went on court……

    I (Jason Broadberry – in case you didn’t know!) was up against Dougie Emery at No.2 and despite knowing Dougie for many years and his tenacious spirit, I kinda forgot the old adage ‘never underestimate Dougie Emery’ – it’s always a mistake! But after winning the 1st game that’s exactly what I did. To be fair to me I did win the 1st game 11-0, but none the less it was still a school-boy error and when I lost the next 2 games, things were looking bleak. Fortunately our new No.1 Craig (Valentie-Wallace) came to the rescue with some great advice about where to attack and this ultimately made the difference in the match. I managed to claw the next game back to force a decider. I got a good 10-3 lead in this game (using the same tactics) and I though there’s no way I’m losing from here! And so it proved with a few more rallies I eventually brought home the bacon (vegetarian bacon that is!) to sneak a win. #relief

    When I came off court I noticed that Colin had lost 3-1 to Nairn, which wasn’t a massive surprise, in fact Col did really well to get the team a point against Nairn. Then Dougie (Macmillan) went on next against Harry Anderson at No.3 and was 1-0 up, but 8-10 down in the 2nd game when I arrived to watch. Fortunately Doug managed to wrestle this one back to win 13-11 and then went on to dominate the 3rd game as well – so a good 3-0 victory for Doug.

    I then marked the No.5 match which was John (Turner) against Colin Hutton. Well this was a good old ding-dong with Colin dominating the 1st game and then when John realising he was playing a lefty, coming back to win the 2nd game. John needed to stay patient and mix the pace up a bit and he did that to 6-5 up in the next 2 games, but unfortunately he then let Colin dominate after that and so lost both 6-11. Another good team point though.

    Craig (V-W) was on last against new Whitecraigs RFC No.1 Andy McBean and when I’d finished marking he was already 0-2 down in games. However the news was that Lucozade and Snickers were beginning to kick in and at 3-7 he was now trying to salvage something from the match. And that’s exactly what he did as he won that game 11-9 with an amazing comeback and then won the 4th 11-4! And so to the 5th where Craig once again found himself 3-7 down, so could he perform another unlikely comeback? Well ‘no’ he couldn’t as Andy took the 5th 5-11.

    But 10 points to 11 wasn’t too bad (10-14 when you add the bonus points). So we’re off and running for a brand new season and it should be fun again this year to see if we can consolidate our position in Division 1.

  2. October 10, 2014 at 10:39 am

    Wednesday 1st October 2014 – 2nd Team
    It was a long night at Newlands for the 2nds. I arrived at the same time as Dave “Mabawzer ” Ritchie who’s first question was “is this the first game of the season?” “Did you play last wed…no…..boom”
    We were the first to arrive from our team so I went straight on at 4. I should point out there will be few details in this report as I don’t have a copy of the scoresheet and I am shit with names. I find details get in the way of a good report. Anyway having been out the way of matches for quite a while it was a predictably slow start for me going down 2-0 (games not points). Usually it is a done deal for me at this point but a team talk from Mabawzer and MJ (not the black (ish) one) seemed to do the trick and I took the third game. A bit more advice between games to “do less of what you did in the first two games and more from the last game (copyright J.Broadberry “How to coach squash”) and it was all square. The fifth was nip and tuck but I was really on fumes and eventually lost 15-12. Lack of match fitness was telling…

    MJ (not the singer) was up next at 2 against a bendy junior called Fraser. Sporting a Blockbusters (for those of you that remember that TV show) themed t-shirt he went out looking for a “W” please Bob. Lots of long rallies here. MJ lost the first but won the second and third. He came off after the third saying he was almost sick during a rally and strangely found himself wondering if he could get away with keeping it in his mouth?!? What would you do folks? Anyway he took a bit of a break in the fourth, losing it and so to the decider once again. As with my match I think the race had been run getting to this point and seeing your opponent with zero sweaty areas doesn’t help! Despite a gallant effort it was another narrow defeat.

    By this time Kenny “The Coach” Lumsden had turned up in rather different fatigues than we are perhaps used to. Rather than the Zara mannequin, we had the hoodie, joggers and runners from the Sport range. Thinking this was to save a bit of time I was surprised when he went off to get changed. “Are you not changed already” I said. “Nope”. “Oh are they just your turning up clothes”. “Yep”. Good talk.
    I think Kenny will admit himself he certainly wasn’t up for it in this game against an opponent whom he should never have lost easily to. Maybe it was the knee, but he did say he got an Ibuprofen from “Wee Parky” (more from him later) .Didn’t look interested and it was all over before the large lady got the song book out. I was wondering why he didn’t come off between games for advice…then it hit me, a coach doesn’t need advice! Doh! After the game he said he had to shoot off to prepare for a big meeting in the morning……must have been “high pressure”…..get it….Hozelock…..pressure….just me….I am even a shit audience to myself it seems.

    Piotrek and Mabawzer then went on simultaneously at 5 and 1 respectively as everyone else had finished. With a hint of trepidation I marked Piotrek’s game however barring a couple of disagreements over strokes it went largely incident free. Piotr played well, mostly dominating the rallies against what MJ said could be a tricky opponent. He was feeling so confident that he he even re-tied his laces between games rather than during one to get a breather! Not a Coorva in sight. 3-0 and our first win of the night.
    Mabawzer was going equally well on the other court going 2-0 up in games. In a change to the recent handful of t-shirt tucked down the front of his shorts he had gone for a “rear tuck” look on this occasion. Coming to a catwalk near you soon…Just as we could smell the pizza arriving Dave decided to extend the game by losing the third! Grumbles all round, even from the home team! He must have been a bit hungry himself though as he went on to take the fourth to secure a 3-1 win.

    So a narrow 13-10 defeat, it was actually 10-10 in games. Reasonable away start to the season.

    Pizza and chips in the bar with some Ryder Cup banter. Wee Parky came up on his way out and asked us to say bye to Kenny and something about “you unsociable ******”. Don’t shoot the messenger….

    Glenn Close but no cigar

  3. October 10, 2014 at 10:40 am

    Wednesday 1st October 2014 – 3rd Team
    Arrived a little late, as was letting punters view a spare room in my flat – you get all sorts!
    By that time David Wilson at No 5 had beaten Kerry Kasem 3 – 0. First 2 games were very close, but DW had it sorted in the 3rd. He was so sweaty that Mazzucco came up with a decidedly non PC analogy.
    Also there was this chap Gareth, very sociable, saying that he too had a victory 3-1 playing at No 3. I assumed he was an overly friendly host from Broomhill, but now of course I realise he is a DLWE man thru and thru, albeit not for very long. He played Stephen Murphy whose wife rustled up pretty good macaroni cheese.
    Iain Beveridge at No 2 was now on playing against Duncan Lee – an Exmoor man like me it turns out. A rare thing up here in Glasgow. Iain own his game 3-1, quite comfortably barring a lapse in game 2.
    Then it was my turn at 1 against Danny McFadden. Close games but managed 3-0 win, just the sort of outing required at this rusty stage of the season.
    Finally, at No 4 the bold Mazzucco. Pesh for 1st 2 games, but we told him he would win 3-2, and so he did. He was a changed man coming on court for game 3, and didn’t let it slip. Whenever Paul murphy looked like getting in to the game marker Dave Wilson extinguished his fire with a few well timed dodgy decisions!
    So an 18 – 4 win for the 3rds tonight. Now I have to work out how to enter scores ….
    Nite nite.

  4. October 26, 2014 at 10:27 am

    Wednesday 8th October 2014 – 1st Team
    Off to Giffnock II on Wednesday and it’s as Forrest Gump said, “Giffnock II is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get”
    So I turned up at 6.30pm (always advisable when you’ve only got 1 court) and was soon on against Mark Coyle at No.2. Mark can certainly crack the ball on those courts and had I played that sort of game against him then I’d have lost very quickly……so I didn’t. Instead I took the slower ariel route and this just frustrated the Giffnock Young Gun. The scores were all pretty close, but I mainly felt that I was more in control than not and managed to win all 3.
    No Sean again this week, to have a go at in the match report, not that this should stop me! And on a Forrest Gump theme I wish he was playing so I could use the “Stupid is as stupid does” quote!! Hope to see him back to full fitness soon.
    Next was our new No.5 Joe (McDonald) and he was up against another youngster in Jonathan Brady. Jonathan stormed the first game, as Joe got used to the court and the pace of the ball. So I offered the advise that had worked for me and in the 2nd game Joe managed to take all the pace off the ball and frustrate Jonathan to win that one. It looked like Joe was going to make a good comeback here, but Jonathan regained his composure (and his hard hitting game) to take the last two games and the match 3-1.
    A theme was starting to develop as every match appeared to be a youngster pitted against (shall we say) a more experienced player. And the No.3 was no different with our young gun – Doug (Macmillan) against Garry Blanchflower, who is as experienced as you can get! Garry was taking a while to get into the game as Doug was running and lunging about the court and keeping Garry at bay. And that was exactly what he needed to keep doing “Run, Dougie, run!”
    At 2-0 up it looked like it was all over so I went for a shower and advised Dougie to keep the focus, but Garry won the next one – must have used all his experience here! Fortunately Doug regained the momentum and took the 4th game to secure the tie and put us 2-1 up in the match.
    Next on was the No.4 pairing of David (Craig) against Calum Stout – this turned out to be quite a one sided match as the Giffnock youngster played the Giffnock courts, at the Giffnock pace. In truth Dave just couldn’t get going and so he’ll be looking forward to the return match to get Calum on his favourite DLWE court with the glass side wall!
    So 2-2 (again) and up steps our new No.1 Craig (Valentie-Wallace) against the experienced Mikey Rodgerson. The season is proving to be a real learning curve for Craig with new courts/opponents etc to deal with and we probably forget that playing the likes of Mikey, with his great eye for the ball and extra tennis shots, can be quite a challenge. And so it proved! Craig can’t half crack the ball though and he certainly came out with all guns blazing – however as soon as Mikey got used to the pace it became really close. At 1-1 it looked like it could go either way, but in the end Craig was just too consistent for Mikey and he secured the match for the team.
    Chips for tea, but more importantly Giffnock do bottles of Erdinger! Good chat in the bar with the teams (and big Dunsey and the lads from Western) and great to be back into the Wednesday night swing of things.
    “That’s all I have to say about that”

  5. October 26, 2014 at 10:27 am

    Wednesday 8th October 2014 – 2nd Team
    No report

  6. October 26, 2014 at 10:27 am

    Wednesday 8th October 2014 – 3rd Team
    “ We learn little from victory, much from defeat” Japanese Proverb
    As Monkey would say (I know wrong Far Eastern country) we were gubbed last night. Whether we learn from this we will see at the end of season bash
    I arrived at 7 to find the opposition already there and raring to go . We were sharing courts with the fourth team but thanks to the preponderance in both teams to go for winners on the first stroke all matches were finished in time for the 9 o clock news.
    Newlands 8th is really a cover for the breeding cells of southern Glasgow squash and is populated with individuals who have to be in bed by 9pm so the early finish was ideal for them.
    First up in court 1 was our youngster playing at 5 David Wilson. His opponent was a cheeky Monkey called Orla Young who had reached the giddy age of eleven.
    Both her Dad and Granddad were watching. I marked the game and was amazed at how good Orla was, she had all the shots and I think David initially played the game at her pace which with her quickness around court led her to a two game lead . David began to put more power into the match and won the third but ultimately lost the match in a tight game on the fourth. Orla Young remember the name
    Result loss 1-3 10-15 10-15 15-9 13-15
    Meanwhile on court 2 Wendy was having a ding dong of a game against another youngster Cameron Moss. I saw some of this game and thought out of all our team Wendy played the most to her potential. She was ultimately unlucky to lose but as above another one for the cheeky Monkeys.
    Result Loss 2-3 8-15 16-14 12-15 15-7 9-15
    David Mazzucco was then on at 3 on court 1 against Calum Bruce. Calum was a slightly bigger cheeky Monkey and to continue the animal theme David played initially like a penguin introduced to a game of baseball. Basically he was poor. Then a bit of Hamlet like introspective chat with himself seemed to do the trick and his play moved on from the penguin flapping and had Calum flapping instead. Ultimately proved a bit late but signs he will return to the bold Mazzucco .
    Result Loss 1-3 11-15 7-15 15-11 14-16
    Gareth then went on against the first of the non cheeky Monkeys a middle aged guy fitting the average lower league profile Frank Logie. I did not see much of this game as I was playing myself. It must have been close looking at the scores, so basically unlucky Gareth – win next time !
    Result Loss 2-3 13-15 15-12 10-15 15-11 10-15
    On Court 2 I played Colin McIntyre who basically was the same age as the three cheeky Monkeys combined . He disarmed me at the start by saying you look like a runner. I then immediately began to play like the Road Runner, also introduced to squash for the first time. The Coyote got his man and I realised the truism of corners, placement and length were all ignored
    Result Loss 1-3 13-15 15-7 4-15 11-15
    Overall Loss 7-18
    A disappointing night for all of us, I feel had chances but as the quote said learn from your defeats , look at The Scotland Rugby team ok bad example
    Even although food was not required a few of the cheeky Monkeys stayed for orange squash, the only negative of that was Raymond in the fourth team announcing he had no underpants on I immediately decided against a packet of pork scratching

  7. October 26, 2014 at 10:27 am

    Wednesday 8th October 2014 – 4th Team
    It’s been an exciting few months in Scotland, what with the Commonwealth Games and the Ryder Cup, not to mention that referendum thing you might have heard about. However, for sheer drama and excitement, none of these events came close to matching the 4th team’s match against Scotstoun 2! But before I tell you all about it, here’s a quick recap of our week one match against Wanderers 2, which was so lacking in excitement that I couldn’t be bothered writing a report.
    1. Luke was brilliant and won 3-0.
    2. Raymond won a game (yes, really, he did) but lost 3-1.
    3. The rest of us were hopeless and lost 3-0.
    4. The final score was 18-4 to Wanderers.
    5. Pasta bake.
    Anyway, back to week two and our match at home to Scotstoun 2. I arrived to find that our new number one, Luke Steven, had just lost 15-10 15-13 15-11 to Darren McGavin. This was a bit disappointing, given how much Luke has improved since last season and his great win last week. However, Darren is obviously a very good player. I could tell this because he had his name on the back of his sweatshirt.
    Meanwhile, Cameron Gauhl was on court, at number three, against Nick Racicauscas (or something like that!) I didn’t see any of this match either, as I was playing my own match. But the result was a fantastic 15-0 15-13 15-9 win for Cameron.
    This meant I had the chance to put the team into a 2-1 lead if I could win the battle of the number fives against Abdul Syed. I played poorly in the first game and lost it 15-13. Despite this, I wasn’t too downhearted. Abdul was an even less experienced player than me and I knew I had the beating of him. I just needed to up my game a little. Fortunately I was able to do exactly that and I won the next three games 15-6 15-9 15-10.
    So now we led 2-1. A win from Mark Steven or Raymond Gauhl would seal the victory for us. Mark was playing at number two against Alaisdair Smith. Alaisdair (who does a nice line in headbands) thrashed me twice last season so I was glad Mark was playing him this time and not me. On this occasion, Alaisdair’s headband was bright yellow. Mark assured me that this hadn’t put him off but I’m not so sure. Alaisdair beat him 15-7 15-13 15-11.
    Now it was 2-2 and all our hopes rested on our number four, Raymond Gauhl, who was playing Innis Orr. Now this might not have been the greatest quality squash match ever. But everyone who saw it was in agreement that it was the greatest piece of sporting drama any of us had ever witnessed!
    Raymond started well and won the first game 15-11 before Innis fought back to win the second 15-8. But Raymond wasn’t going away and he managed to win a close third game 15-13. Raymond was now one game away from securing the win for the team, not to mention his own first ever victory in team squash.
    As the fourth game progressed, the tension became almost unbearable! A huge crowd of at least seven people had gathered behind the court. This beat the previous attendance record for a Raymond match by at least six. Slowly but surely, Raymond edged towards victory. The atmosphere was at fever pitch. Eventually Raymond reached match point. Was this the moment of victory? Well, no, it wasn’t. It was, however, the moment that Raymond chose to play the single worst drop shot of all time. It barely even reached the tin. Innis had been given a last minute reprieve and he took full advantage to win the game 17-15. Despite this disappointment, Raymond fought hard throughout the final game but he was always a few points behind. Innis eventually won the game 15-11 and the match 3-2.
    So the final score of 13-8 to Scotstoun was a bit of a disappointment, considering what might have been. But it was a thrilling evening of squash and we had plenty to discuss with our opponents over the traditional DLWE pasta bake.
    As if the night couldn’t get any more exciting, Raymond rounded it all off by announcing that he wasn’t wearing any underpants. Clearly the drama of the evening had finally got to him. The good news is that we have a week off before our next match against Broomhill on October 22nd. Plenty of time for Raymond to rediscover his equilibrium. And his pants.

  8. October 31, 2014 at 10:24 am

    Wednesday 22nd October 2014 – 1st Team
    Strathgryffe came calling last night and as they finished in the champions league position’s in the past couple of years it looked like a tough match up for DLWE team who are at the Premiership establishing stage.
    First up was big David (Craig) and his daughter Elvi. Both had rackets and although Elvi took to the courts first, it was eventually her dad who took on Ross (red) Lawrie at No.4. I was promoted to team child-care duties so Elvi and I sat and watched David and loudly clapped all his great shots – and booed Ross (whilst learning how to swing a racket!). Unfortunately due to David’s notorious slow match starts we were doing more booing than clapping (his warm up this week consisted of carrying Elvi’s Mickey Mouse backpack to the court). When David was one and a half games down we’d both seen enough Mickey Mouse squash and so it was book time and there’s none better for a 1 year old than ”Fox in Socks”! It’s so good it’s five star rated you know!?! Well what a difference that made and David won the 2nd game – I can’t tell you anything about the game, but what I can say is that Fox finds his second sock in a clock! Game 3 went to Ross and the 4th was a real close one with Strathgruffalo’s Ross winning it 15-13 to take the match.
    So with child-care duties taken care of Uncle Jase went off to watch Doug (Macmillan) against the new Strathgryffe signing Karl (who also plays for the Isle of White & Chester!). Karl was a very orthodox player and by that I mean good. When Doug had the legs and lungs he was winning as he took the 1st game 11-9, but as Karl’s persistent line and length wore him down he lost the 2nd 9-11.
    Doug’s training regime has developed this year and since the last match he’s been in full training in Poland. The good news was that the training was great, the bad news is that it was with the Tartan Army and although a draw was a great result in Warsaw it wasn’t going to be enough tonight. I’d say the key was the 2nd game and if Doug had won that he may have been able to win the match in 4 or 5, but with Karl tightening the screw with every dying length (and Dougie hitting a bit short) the match slipped away from us 3-1. Still another point to the team.
    Next on was our new signing Michael Jackson (he’s heard all the jokes! Not that that’s gonna stop me!) against James Dare at No.5. Wait a minute James Dare at 5??? Just shows you how strong Strathgryffe are these days! Well it was a good game between MJ and James, but James was always in charge. The length ball is so important at division 1 level and Michael couldn’t get the ball past James often enough. I had to mark the next match so didn’t see the rest but James won 3-0 (don’t worry MJ – blame it on the boogie).
    Next our new No.1 Craig (Valentie Wallace) matched up against Martin Woods. Martin stormed the first 6 or so points and it looked like it was going to be one way traffic, but just at this point Craig got into his stride by getting everything back and then forcing the pressure himself. It was all very tight at the end of the 1st game, but Martin sneaked home. And the rest of the match was a bit like the 1st game with Craig wining good ‘clumps’ of points, but Martin just holding on when it mattered. Craig can really apply the pressure though and when he joins it all up he’ll be a tough No.1 to beat.
    I was on last at No.2 v Jason Lang and he beat me easily last time we played, but what do you know I managed to steal the 1st game after a slow start from JL. Well that’s good! Lost the next 2 though! That’s bad!! Then the inevitable advice was handed out to me by Simon from the 2nd team. “See what you were doing in the 1st game – do that more. And what you did in the 2nd & 3rd games – do that less”. “Thanks Si! When are you leaving for America again??”
    Fortunately Craig had better advice and it centred on JL’s volleys. So in a very tight 4th I managed to “Do what I did in the 1st more” and win it – and so to the 5th. This was another very tight one, but this time just at the wrong time I hit one ball out and one in the tin. I’d like to blame the loss on Martin Wood’s terrible marking decision, when he didn’t give me a stroke!! I’d like to, but really the marking was absolutely fine (and the game was played in a great spirit). Still hurts though – to get so close and lose.
    A couple of beers later and we were in the bar discussing all things squash and adding up all the clubs Karl plays for around the country. And the fact that they’re not within 200 miles of each other!
    Result 4-18

  9. October 31, 2014 at 10:24 am

    Wednesday 8th October 2014 – 2nd Team
    No report

  10. October 31, 2014 at 10:24 am

    Wednesday 22nd October 2014 – 3rd Team
    Last season I was really quite upset that the mighty 3rds were relegated to the bottom division of all, by the narrowest of margins. I felt it was so un-necessary and considered that had 1 person higher up turned out to play on one more occasion for the 2nds, and we all had an easier game, that would have turned the whole thing round and kept us up in Div 5.
    However, last night we lost 18-4, on the back of a loss against Newlands 8 the week before. We lie adrift mid to bottom table “bound in shallows and in miseries” (Shakespeare). We deserve to be in this benighted Division. We are Pesh !!!
    OR Jason, you might prefer this one …
    A tough call tonight, we were up against Scotstoun 1st who have full marks so far on 36 points after 2 outings. We lost 18-4, but each of us played well at times. Azmat held his own until midway through 1st game, but then the other guys experience told. Not bad for first outing. I played alright only occasionally at 1. Meanwhile Iain Beveridge won two games, and had a few match points but didn’t convert. David Wilson at 4 did well to get a game, but fitness was the telling factor in the next 3. At 3, the bold Mazzucco was 2 down, but upped his game for the 3rd , and we wondered if he would manage another comeback, like 3 weeks before. But a good point earned though.
    I firmly believe that if we had one more player turning out for 2nds, and if we had all been playing 1 place further down, we would have won. I fancied my chances against any of the other 4 (perhaps misplaced optimism though).
    The results are posted, and we are 7th out of 12 (interestingly only 1 spot above the DLWE 4ths). However, we have played the top 2 teams already. We are up against 3rd placed Allander next week, but a good team should get us a good few points. Kevin Reilly playing at 2 for Cliff’s sake!
    We can still earn a promotion spot. We can still do it! Come on the mighty 3rds !! This is our Promotion Opportunity! These are our squash courts. This is our Flag !!! This is our Country !!!

  11. October 31, 2014 at 10:25 am

    Wednesday 22nd October 2014 – 4th Team
    I’m writing this match report shorty after watching Andy Murray save five match points before beating Tommy Robredo in the final of the Valencia Open. Winning a match after saving five match points is pretty impressive. But not as impressive as, for example, winning a match after saving six match points.
    Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “For God’s sake Robert, stop wittering on about something completely irrelevant and just tell us how the 4th team got on against Broomhill 3 on Wednesday!” So here goes:
    Luke Steven was first on, at number one, against Paul Murphy. This was a really good match to watch. Both players had a similar style of play and matched each other point for point for most of the match. Fortunately for us, Luke was just a little bit better for the most part. He got off to a slightly slow start, losing the first game 15-9, but he soon hit his stride and won the next three games 15-13 15-12 15-13.
    Next up was Cameron Gauhl, newly promoted to number two, who was up against Duncan Lee. This was another good quality match. Cameron lost the first five points but stormed back to win the first game 15-10. The second game was closer but Cameron edged it 15-13. The match took a dramatic turn in the third game. The conditions on court were very hot and Cameron started to struggle. Duncan took advantage and built up a big lead. Cameron got a second wind and mounted a late comeback but it was too late to stop Duncan winning the game 15-13. Cameron was back on form at the start of the fourth game and would probably have won it quite comfortably if it hadn’t been for his habit of alternating between brilliant squash and silly mistakes. But it didn’t matter in the end. Despite a few nervous moments, Cameron closed out the game 16-14 to secure a 3-1 win.
    So the youngsters had done us proud and put us 2-0 up. Raymond Gauhl was on next, playing at number four, against Steven Murphy. Could Raymond put us into an unassailable 3-0 lead? Had he recovered from his heart-breaking defeat of two weeks ago? More importantly, had he remembered his pants? Much to everyone’s relief, the answer to the last question was yes. We know this because Raymond decided to get changed in the gallery instead of the changing room!
    Unfortunately, the on-court news was less good. Like his son, Raymond struggled with the heat and didn’t really get into his stride at any stage of what was a rather bad-tempered match. The result was a 15-10 15-12 15-12 win for Steven. Upon returning to the gallery, Raymond announced, ‘I’ve never felt so bad on a squash court!’ To which I couldn’t resist replying, ‘You’ve never looked so bad on a squash court either!’ Perhaps pant-less squash is the way to go for Raymond…
    Next up was Mark Steven, playing at number three, against Danny McFadden. Could Mark succeed where Raymond had failed and win the match for us? Sadly not. The first game was close until Danny put together a late run of points to win it 15-10. The second game was almost identical. Again the score was 15-10 to Danny. How Mark didn’t win the third game, we’ll never know. A comfortable lead was squandered and three game balls came and went, in agonising fashion, before Danny clinched the game 19-17 for a 3-0 win.
    So now it was 2-2 and the tie had come down to the battle of the number fives between me and the wily veteran Bob Whitesmith, who had beaten me 3-0 when we last visited Broomhill back in January. I had learnt from our first match that I wasn’t going to beat Bob by trying to play proper squash. My only chance was to expose his lack of pace by playing it short at every opportunity. These tactics served me well up to a point but Bob was still just a bit too good for me. He was getting the ball behind me too often and played some terrific lobs that dropped perfectly in the back corners. Bob won the first two games 15-11 15-12 and led 10-6 in the third. Things didn’t look good for me but I persevered and, with Bob starting to tire, I recovered to win the game 15-12.
    All of a sudden, I was back in the match. However, any hopes I had of winning were short lived. Bob grabbed the initiative straight back right from the start of the fourth game and, before long, led 14-8. Six match balls. I needed a miracle and, as we all know, miracles don’t happen. All I could do was play one point at a time and really make Bob earn his win. What happened at this point is just a blur. All I know is that I saved the first match point. And then the second. And the third. And the fourth. And the fifth. And the sixth! And then I won the next point to lead 15-14. Bob briefly burst my bubble by levelling at 15-15 but there was no way I was letting him win this game now. I won the next two points to take it 17-15.
    With hindsight, I was probably always going to win the fifth game. I had all the momentum and Bob was very, very tired. But, at the time, it certainly didn’t feel like a foregone conclusion. It felt like a terrible struggle all the way. Nevertheless, I managed to get out to a comfortable early lead and maintain it throughout. I won the fifth game 15-8 and the Miracle of Broomhill was complete! I could hardly believe it. Neither could Bob. ‘I didn’t need that at my age!’ was all he could say.
    So a 3-2 win for me and a 12-10 win for the team. It puts us up to eighth place, only one behind the 3rd team! Post-match food was pizza, garlic bread and, believe it or not, pasta bake. We were all in agreement that it beat the DLWE pasta bake hands down. Player of the match awards went to Danny McFadden and me. Which just goes to show that playing rubbish squash and scraping a win beats playing well and winning easily every time!

  12. November 19, 2014 at 9:16 am

    Wednesday 29th October 2014 – 1st Team
    Another tough night for the team! At least 3 of us left with a sense that we could have done better!
    Away to Newlands 2 and never an easy one. They are a solid team from top to bottom. First up was David (Craig) at No.4 against David Fallis. This was a real ‘blast fest’ with both players pure meltin’ the baw! I was once again on mascot-minding duties (with Uncle Dougal) and didn’t see much of the match, but when I did watch it looked very even, with both players were giving it a good old eckie thump! It’s great having a new mascot, although it’s also difficult to get them off the court in between matches.
    Back to the No.5s and when all was said and done Newlands Dave won all 3 games and it looked relatively comfortable as far as the points were concerned (our mascot will have to bring us more luck next time!)
    Next on was Dougal – as Craig calls him! And this surely will have to be Doug’s (Doug Macmillan) new name for one of two reasons!
    1) Father Ted

    Any way he was playing at No.3 against David Morrison. This was a good match with Dougal generally in charge, but he had to work for it as Dave was all over the court like a rash. Dougal went 1 up but Dave evened things up at 1-1. At this point I was chatting to Craig and was saying what a good runner Dave was – Craig replied “I remember when Doug used to be a runner!” Classic!
    Anyway Dougal managed to stay in charge in the 3rd and 4th and brought home the points to even up the match.
    I went on next against Brendan Forrester at No.2 and although I won the 1st (and had a game ball in the 2nd!) Brendan just ran me ragged. You really needed the ear protectors on, to watch my match tonight, as I crashed the ball into the tin again and again (and again). But I have to give credit to Brendan who got everything back as ever and forced me to play lower and lower until I hit all those tins. I’ll be having nightmares about them!
    Next on was the No.1s with Craig (Valentie Wallace) against Mark Ford. This was a good match and Doug(al) and I reckon it’s was the best Craig has played so far with a powerful and physical performance. Unfortunately for him Mark is a tricky customer and has the ability to get out of long rallies and he looked like he needed to at times. It would have been very interesting to see that match go to 4 or 5 games and see if Mark still had the legs. However it was 3-0 to Mark and Craig wasn’t happy with his performance after, but I think on reflection he’ll see that beating an old bloke (!) like Mark ford is much more difficult that you’d think!
    Last up was Joe (McDonald) against Mic Cockburn. Joe looked less than amused about turning up at 7pm and going on last! Still it was worth waiting for as he immediately went 10-6 up in the 1st game (which was good) but then lost it 11-13 (which is bad). Mic stormed the 2nd and Joe the 3rd and at 10-10 in the 4th it looked like it had 5 games written all over it! Unfortunately for us Mic had just enough left in the tank to win 12-10 and take the match.
    So up to the bar only to discover that the traditional Newlands pizza had disappeared – but wait, now (the 2nd team at least) treated us to a Chinese. Fortunately the Erdinger beer hadn’t changed and was still in the fridge, so a good night was guaranteed (#not-looking-forward-to-the-5th-December-change!)

  13. November 19, 2014 at 9:16 am

    Wednesday 29th October 2014 – 2nd Team

    Dziendobry – No matter how hard we tried we were nowhere near to be in this game. Some made mistakes because of age, some lost their tamper, some were not ready to play and just one guy was right where he should be. But this was to little. Shame on us but food was good. Who the f@#- lost temper? Do you really asking me who lost temper? Can’t believe! Anyway it wasn’t me my game was to quick to lose anything (Piotrek)
    The embarrassing thing was I was first to arrive at just after 7.30pm; Luke at 7.40pm. Western were very good about it, I apologised for all I was worth. I nearly left thinking it must have been a home tie, as no evidence of my teammates. Luke played OK, took some advice (move up and volley more) and played better in 3rd game. Also marked 2 games, with confidence!! Graham

  14. November 19, 2014 at 9:16 am

    Wednesday 29th October 2014 – 3rd Team
    We can still earn a promotion spot. We can still do it! Come on the mighty 3rds!! This is our Promotion Opportunity! These are our squash courts. This is our Flag!!! This is our Country!!!
    With the Colonel’s words pinned up on everyone’s locker door (even Wendy’s) the much depleted thirds marched into battle against Allander 2.
    First up Wendy at no.2 against Gregory Dudziak. Fair to say Wendy was up against it against probably their best player who was comfortable playing at a much higher level and made few errors. 3-0 loss.
    I was next up at no.4, defying all medical advice, for my first game in months against John Millar. Poor first game and then managed to steady up and control the rest. 3-1 win.
    At the same time Chris Mcnally was playing his first team match against an experienced opponent in Hamish McKay. Didn’t see it because on the other court but Hamish ran out 3-0 winner.
    I then watched David Wilson take a 2-0 lead against his opponent Saj Chaudry with a clever mixture of concentrating on the backhand and well placed boasts. I then went for my shower comfortable in the knowledge that David would seek every possible avenue to extend the match as long as possible and sure enough I returned to find them battling away in the 4th game. Nip and tuck till 12 all but David managed to edge it for a good 3-1 win.
    2 Games all so all the pressure on young Cameron’s shoulders playing at no.1. He didn’t disappoint in the first game against Ken Findlay playing a fast and hard hitting game and took it 15-12. So far so good and as marker I even managed to check what the contestants wanted to drink so we could order them something before 9.30 bar closing (ridiculous). Whether it was my advice to Cameron to slow down a bit and try and concentrate on length but Ken edged the next game. Robert from the 4ths then came round to announce that they wanted the bar tab for our team settled. (aargh) As I was marking many thanks to Chris who enjoyed his first team match by paying the bill (see Raymond for Cameron’s share). Ken managed to edge the next 2 close games but I can see vast improvements in Cameron’s game and he looked more than comfortable at no.1.
    14 -7 loss as we headed back for the pasta bake. Thoughts of promotion looking very unlikely and new aim to stay above the 4ths.

  15. November 19, 2014 at 9:17 am

    Wednesday 29th October 2014 – 4th Team
    After last week’s nail-biting victory over Broomhill 3, hopes were high that we could make it two wins in a row. However there was one small snag – we were missing our three best players. Luke and Cameron had been promoted to the 2nd and 3rd teams respectively and Mark was unavailable. So it was an unfamiliar 4th team that took to the courts against Strathclyde University 3. Ewan MacAndie and Alastair Brash made their team squash debuts and Donald Pirie made his first appearance of the season.
    I should point out at this stage that this week’s report will be a little short of detail. Our opponents are yet to post the scores on the league website (there’s a clue as to who won!), so I don’t know any of the scores or the names of our opponents, except my own.
    Our two debut boys, Ewan and Alastair, started the night off. I tried to watch both matches, with the result that I managed to miss large chunks of each. I was also busy giving a pep talk to Chris McNally, who was making his team squash debut for the 3rd team. I informed Chris of the three golden rules of team squash:
    1. Try to win.
    2. If you can’t win, try to do something amusing to make the match report more interesting.
    3. If you can’t win or do anything amusing, just pay the bar bill at the end of the night.
    Anyway, back to the squash. Ewan, playing at number five, started very well. He won the first game and had game balls in the second. Unfortunately he wasn’t able to take any of them and the game eventually slipped through his fingers. That was the turning point of the match and Ewan ended up losing 3-1. Still, it was a very encouraging debut for someone so young and I’m sure it won’t be long before Ewan is winning matches and rising up through the teams.
    Meanwhile, Alastair Brash, playing at number four, was taking to team squash like a duck to water. He won the first game, lost the second, won the third and built up a handy lead in the fourth. There were some nervous moments when he let some match balls slip away but he eventually won that precious last point to secure a well deserved debut victory. Which makes Alastair the only player at the club with a 100% team squash record. Perhaps he should retire now. Hopefully he won’t!
    Next up was me, at number three, against a guy called Dan. Dan hit the ball very hard and it took me a while to get used to this. However I was able claw back an early deficit to win the first game. I thought I had his measure. When Dan proceeded to win the second and third games, I realised that I possibly didn’t! But after last week’s ‘Miracle of Broomhill’, I certainly wasn’t going to panic about being 2-1 down. I redoubled my efforts in the fourth and won it comfortably, helped by a dip in form from Dan. So into a fifth game we went. I led throughout and eventually had four match balls at 14-10. I wasn’t too worried when I lost the first one. I was a bit annoyed when I lost the second. I was really quite concerned when I lost the third. When I put an easy drop shot into the tin to make it 14-14, I was gripped by panic! Fortunately I was able to pull myself together in time to win the next two points and win the game 16-14. Phew! ‘Why can you never just win easily’, asked Alastair Baird of the 3rd team. Good question!
    Meanwhile, Donald Pirie, our emergency number one, was in action on the next door court. I didn’t see too much of this match but what I did see was very entertaining. There were some really extraordinary rallies which neither player seemed to want to win! Donald won the first game and I would have put money on him going on to win the match. Fortunately I didn’t put money on him because he ended up losing 3-1! A bit more match practice is all Donald needs to win matches like this quite easily.
    So, for the third week in a row, we were tied at 2-2. It was up to Raymond (who, according to Alastair Brash, was wearing pants), to win the match for us. Sadly this task proved just beyond him. He put up a good fight and all the games were very close but he eventually succumbed to a 3-0 defeat.
    The final score was 15-8 to Strathclyde. It was their first win of the season and the students were in good spirits over the pasta bake. For us, it was an opportunity missed. Our goal of overtaking the third team will have to wait at least another week!

  16. November 19, 2014 at 9:25 am

    Wednesday 5th November 2014 – 1st Team
    1st team lost 3-2 – but we had good wins at No2 and 3 against Townend tonight at home.

    Doug and I won and were the eagles tonight. We could have sealed it at No.4 as Davie Craig took the match to a tantalising 5th game, but no cigar!

    It was a tough night tonight but then every matching Division I is a tough one. Townend came calling tonight and I thought this could be a close one and I was right.

    1st on was David Craig at number four he was playing a man who was played Division I properly for about 30 years. Brian (Garry) has probably played more games than most of us have had hot dinners and so his experience is 2nd to none. This was always going to be a tough one for David and when Brian won the first two games it look like Brian’s experience was going to be too much. But that’s when David really started believing in himself a whole new David came out in the third game and he really took the game to Brian. He soon clawed back the deficit and 2-0 became 2-1 and then 2-2 so we were all geared up for a exciting fifth. Brian really came out fighting in the fifth and took a fantastic lead and ultimately this is where the match was won. It was probably just a bit too much for David to come back and at 6-1 down Brian powered on to take the fifth game.

    Next up was our number three Doug (Dougal) against Ross. I didn’t see much of this game as I was marking the game at number five, but as I went to go and watch the last point was being played and Doug won 3-0. Doug told me he was magnificent and I have no reason to doubt him so let’s just leave it at that shall we. Having said that he did chicken out of a challenge match with me on Monday so maybe he didn’t fancy playing Euan tonight!

    Having said that I didn’t particularly fancy playing Ewan tonight either he is renowned for running everything down and generally being a bit of a pain in that respect! Tonight however things weren’t quite as tight as usually are when we play and I was able to take the game to him which meant that I was able to get the ball deep into the corners and cause him a lot of problems. And what do you know my drop shot hasn’t deserted me after all – I played some really good stuff tonight and although this was helped by the short stuff from Euan, I’m reasonably confident that I put in a good performance.

    Next up was the number ones as Craig VW took on Rory. Now I’ve played Rory before and I can tell you that it was a bit of a thrashing so I was both looking forward to seeing Rory play, but also dreading the fact that Craig would be up against it. And so it proved because although it was a tough encounter Rory won all three games and Craig looked very frustrated most of the time the two players play each other a lot so they were they were able to read each other’s games well. But the momentum was with Rory and just a little difference went a long way, so he was able to take three games. Fully deserved and a good performance.

    Later on in the bar we were discussing Doug’s game and someone said that he had gone a bit off the rails since last year. Doug replied that he was only a “little bit” off the rails, but the next comment was that he couldn’t see the rails even with binoculars to which Ross piped up not even with beer goggles!

  17. November 19, 2014 at 9:25 am

    Wednesday 5th November 2014 – 2nd Team

  18. November 19, 2014 at 9:25 am

    Wednesday 5th November 2014 – 3rd Team
    Would there be fireworks tonight as the 3rds ventured to Strathclyde Uni to play their 3rd team.

    On court when I arrived was David Mazzucco warming up against his opponent Andy. I was immediately volunteered for the marking position. Now I thought I was the only one playing through an injury but David confessed he broke a nail in the warm up. Anyway showing exceptional bravery I think he was focussed by the pain and he ran out a comfortable 3-0 winner and I was able to stand down the medical emergency helicopter.

    Next up was Chris who had both the pressure of playing a girl but also a girl with a dodgy knee in only his second appearance for DLWE. Chris’s game is not pretty to watch but he was more effective than last week as he gave himself more space on the ball. He won the first 2 closely contested games and reached match ball in the 3rd when, as so often happens, he served out. His opponent, young Stephanie, grasped the initiative and took the game 16-14. Must have been a wakeup call and any thoughts that it was done deliberately just to have more court time with Stephanie were quickly banished as he raced through the last 15-2. Good 3-1 win.

    I played Connor next at No.3. Not the best performance in the world and closer than it should have been but managed a 3-0 win.

    Next up – at opposite ends of the Squash corridor at Strathclyde Uni – were Neil Ross playing Dan Rae and Luke Steven playing Muhit Shahid. Luke’s game was very hard hitting as both players had similar styles but Luke had more quality and he managed to edge the first 2 games. I then went along to the other end of the corridor to see how Neil was progressing with his first competitive game in 8 months. The answer was pretty well as he seemed to be taking all the right options against a hard hitting and fast moving opponent and he cruised through the first 2 games 15-6, 15-3. Knowing it was in the bag I thought I would go back to Luke’s match to discover he had lost the 3rd game 15-11. Anyway he steadied in the 4th always in control he won 15-7 for a 3-1 win. I was surprised when I got back to Neil’s game that he was game point 14-11 down. Anyway he got back to the way he had been earlier and got the score back to 14 all then match point down again but with good quality squash and a couple of errors from his opponent Neil prevailed.

    Good 18- 2 win for us.

    Off to Bar Home for Chicken Nuggets (3 ways?) Pizza and potato wedges. Proper Student Food!

  19. November 19, 2014 at 9:25 am

    Wednesday 5th November 2014 – 4th Team
    After three consecutive close matches (one of which we actually won!), it was back to more traditional 4th team form this week. We were away to Scotstoun, who were top of the table with a perfect 72 points out of 72. So it was always unlikely that there would be any 4th team fireworks this bonfire night.

    First up was Raymond Gauhl, playing at number four, against Graeme Gemmell. Like most of the matches this evening, this one was fairly devoid of incident. I can’t even pad the report out with jokes about Raymond’s pants. He threatened not to give me a lift home if I did that. Suffice to say, Raymond tried his best but was never really in the match and lost 15-7 15-6 15-4.

    Next on court was Alastair Brash, at number five, against Paul Wynne. Alastair’s performance was the one (almost) positive aspect of the night for us. He lost the first two games 15-13 15-9 but fought back really well to win an exciting third game 18-16. At this point Alastair was looking like the stronger player and I thought he had a decent chance of winning the match. Unfortunately it wasn’t to be. Paul raised his game in the fourth and won it convincingly, 15-4. The good news for Alastair is that he played well and helped us avoid a whitewash. The bad news is that, having started the evening with a 100% record in team squash, it’s now a slightly less impressive 50%!

    Next up was me, at number three, against Stewart Henderson. After two consecutive nail-biting five-setters, I was hoping for a more straightforward match this week. And that’s exactly what I got. Stewart didn’t do anything spectacular but he was far too solid and consistent for me and I made far too many unforced errors. So there was no miracle comeback this week and I lost 15-3 15-11 15-7.

    Meanwhile Donald Pirie was on court, playing at number two against Raymond Brown. I finished my match just in time to see Donald coming off court with a huge smile on his face. ‘How are you getting on’, I asked, in anticipation of some much-needed good news. ‘I’m 2-0 down!’ replied Donald. He proceeded to lose the third game as well, but at least he enjoyed himself and at least someone called Raymond won a match. The result was 15-5 15-6 15-6.

    Last on was Cameron Gauhl, playing at number one against Abid Ali. The least said about this one the better. Abid looked far too good to be playing division six squash and Cameron was never in the match. The result was 15-0 15-3 15-4.

    The highlight of the evening was the hospitality at The Three Craws on Crow Road – nachos, onion rings, garlic bread and good squash chat helped to make up for our 18-1 defeat. Next week we face Glasgow University 3, which should be a good opportunity to return to winning (or at least narrowly-losing) ways!

  20. November 19, 2014 at 9:26 am

    Wednesday 12th November 2014 – 1st Team
    Just a quick report from last week as 1) we got tanked and 2) The scores have only just been posted on the result site by SSRC

    1st up was David Craig at No.4 against Chris Holt. This was an easyish one for Chris and he won 3-0. Dave dug in hard and had his chances in the middle of the 1st and 3rd games, but Chris went onto dominate the rest of the game (the team mascot, Elvi, may get the sack if she doesn’t start bringing her dad more luck!).

    Next up at No.5 was Michael (Jackson) v David McCormick and this was again all one way traffic against us. I do think that Dave McC played particularly well tonight and really kept the pressure on MJ the whole game. MJ was disappointed in his performance, but he was really up against it.

    Things weren’t looking much better at No.3 as Doug (Macmillan) was trailing Brian Robertson. After the 1st game Craig and I went to talk to Doug and after explaining our thoughts Doug said “ It’s like getting a team talk from Dumb & Dumber!”How rude!! However we got our 1st team point on the board as he levelled things up 1-1. Brian got the 3rd and Doug the 4th and so to the 5th!

    This was now a question of who had the legs left to finish the job. Doug looked out on his feet, but he kept digging into the reserves and kept coming back with enough energy for one more rally (there are a lot more reserves in Doug’s tank than there used to be!). Finally he brought the ship home and won the match 3-2. Great effort!

    I was on next at No.2 against David Beaumont from the east. Tough one tonight as David was able to get all my shots with ease and the only real question was whether he could keep it out of the tin long enough to beat me. In the 1st game he could and in the 2nd he couldn’t!!

    I tried all sorts of things to keep myself in the rallies, but in the end David was just a bit too quick and he won the match 3-1.

    Last up at No.1 was Craig (Valente-Wallace) against Jamie Henderson. I went for a shower at this point and so I missed the first two games and Craig wasn’t looking happy when I saw him so I thought Jamie must have dominated them (and he did). The 3rd was a completely different story though and although Craig lost it 12-10 he was right in it the whole game and played well – he even had a game ball of his own, but it was not to be.

    Unfortunately for us this was the best team SSRC had put out all season so far, according to Chris Holt (with two youngsters playing from the east at 1 & 2). Ho-hum! We lost 17-4 although this may well end up being 12-4 as SSRC didn’t get their scores in early enough!

  21. November 19, 2014 at 9:26 am

    Wednesday 12th November 2014 – 2nd Team

  22. November 19, 2014 at 9:26 am

    Wednesday 12th November 2014 – 3rd Team

    Waldorf Well , you gotta give them credit

    Statler Why’s that

    Waldorf Well, they’re going to keep on doing it till they get it right

    The Muppets

    Apology for the delay in the report been busy in hospital having a scan on the pasta we were fed last Wednesday

    As the Muppets theme continues did we have an Animal or the Swedish Chef amongst us last week against SSRC 5ths

    I arrived for me on time at 10 past seven to find Gareth aka Fozzie coming off the court having already played his match at 3 against Josh Bain

    I could tell he had lost as the attempted jocularity was like one of Fozzies gigs

    Still even although I didn’t see it the third game must have been close

    Loss 0-3 12-15 3-15 14-16

    Gonzo the Great, David Mazzucco at 5 was on next and I had the pleasure !!! of marking most of his match . He started well when I hadn’t been marking but ended up coming out the cannon the wrong way

    I have seen Gonzo play a lot better a bit ring rusty as Kermit would say

    Loss 1-3 18-16 11-15 10 -15 13-15 (Not sure score are accurate blame the marker lost the sheets)

    Meanwhile Luke the Beaker at 2 was getting his game dissected to bits by Andrew Nelson

    Again I missed most of the match Alastair told me Luke played well initially but by the time I saw him he was moved from one wall to the other piteously

    Loss 0- 3 13-15 3-15 10-15

    Alastair who uncannily looks like Rowlf the dog was playing in a lowly position of 4. His match proved that like Rowlf he should maybe have a higher profile as he actually won.

    Not before the first game was decided at 24-22 ,can anyone beat that. It was very much no after you sir, no I insist after you.

    Rowlf or Alastair improved as the games went on and while close was always that little bit better

    Won 3-0 24-22 15-10 16-14

    Next up at 1 was Miss Piggy ie myself . I was able to play an opponent Scott Mowatt who was perturbed throughout the match by the great heat on court and no dear readers I did not have beans for tea

    Whether that was the reason or my desire to hit straighter I had a fairly comfortable win especially as the tropics dehydrated my opponent

    Won 3-0 15-13 15-8 15-6

    Overall Loss 7-12

    The Muppet Show goes on and one week we will get it right and when it does God help the 4ths

  23. November 19, 2014 at 9:27 am

    Wednesday 12th November 2014 – 4th Team
    The 4th team only won three times last season. Two of those wins were against the reliably hopeless Glasgow University 3. Sadly, we can rely on them no longer. They’ve had an influx of new players this year and, as we discovered on Wednesday, they’re all pretty good.

    Having said that, the evening started very well for us. Alastair Brash got us underway, at number five, against Grant McConnell. Alastair took a while to get going and lost the first two games, 15-7 15-11. But he had the look of a man who still intended to win. He hit his stride right from the start of the third game, managing to get the ball into the back corners on a regular basis. He stormed through the third game 15-5 and then squeaked through a close fourth, 15-12. There was no stopping him now and he completed a superb comeback by winning the fifth game 15-9! A fantastic effort and a great start to the night for us. Unfortunately it was all downhill from there.

    Raymond Gauhl (playing at number four and wearing pants) was up next, against Dan Stuart. Raymond got his excuses in early this week, complaining that his knee was sore and the cold air from the vents in the gallery was giving him a migraine. Given all this, he did well to win any points at all. The first game was quite competitive but once Dan won it the result wasn’t really in doubt. Raymond lost 15-10 15-5 15-9.

    Next up was me, at number three, against Calum Brown. I thought I played fairly well at times, by my standards, but Calum was just a bit too good. It didn’t help that I played the entire first game without realising he was left handed. In fact I might not have noticed at all if Cameron hadn’t come downstairs to point it out to me! The second and third games were much closer than the first but I could never quite get on top and I ended up losing 15-4 15-9 15-11. Clearly, the lesson we have to take from this is that Cameron needs to be more observant in future and not wait until after the first game to point out that I’m an idiot!

    Iain Monaghan, making his debut for the season, played at number two against Jesse Mills. Iain played well and it was a really good match to watch but, as was becoming a recurring theme of the evening, his opponent was just a bit too good. Iain had game balls in the third game and, if he could have won that game, the result might have been very different. But he didn’t and it wasn’t! The score was 15-8 15-9 17-15 to Jesse.

    Rounding off the evening was Cameron Gauhl, at number one, against Laurie Points. Laurie lived up to his surname by winning a lot more points than Cameron. Having said that, Cameron actually played really well and the final scoreline didn’t do him justice at all. Even Raymond was pleased with Cameron’s performance! It was another very entertaining match but Laurie was too good and won 15-8 15-12 15-3.

    So the overall result was a resounding 17-3 defeat, which sent us hurtling back to our traditional place of second bottom of the division. Our dreams of mid-table respectability and overhauling the third team lie in latters.

    After the match, we repaired to the Old School House for pizza and beer. Then, thanks to a lift home from Alastair ‘Comeback Kid’ Brash (who has a much nicer car than Raymond) I was able catch the last half hour of BBC Parliament’s replay of the 1964 General Election. So not such a bad evening after all!

  24. November 27, 2014 at 12:01 am

    Wednesday 19th November 2014 – 1st Team
    With Giffnock 1 v Newlands 1 on tonight who was worried about our poor little match? Well me!!
    I know what you’re thinking they must have done well if he’s got the report out already and you’d be right, but the other major factors are 1) I’m away until Monday on a trip and 2) we had an early finish so as I sit here with my beer I’m more enthused than having been thrashed 3-0 and home for 12am! (and we have new Team T-shirts on the way thanks to our new sponsors ‘Kelvin Financial Planning’)
    We arranged for the No. 4s & 5s to be on early, so as usual it was no surprise that the first two players on court were the No.2s. And that was me (Jason Broadberry) against my old mate Colin Towers. Now to say we have different games would be putting it mildly and I’m absolutely sure that Colin hates the way I play. I won 3-0 and was happy that I was able to play a few shots and hit most of them up (Colin, to be fair didn’t really get going and left the court frustrated that he wasn’t able to use his speed against me).
    Next on were the No. 4s & 5s. David (Craig) played David McAleese and at No.5 Michael (Jackson) played. Well it was all down to the mascot this week as we won both matches! I didn’t see much of them as I was on mascot-minding duties, but David C lost his 1st game, then sneaked the 2nd on a tie break. From then on he appeared to take control the rest of the match winning the 4th to 4 and the last to 9. Great win for the big man and a very happy daughter/mascot.
    Meanwhile Michael Jackson dominated his match 3-0 and secured his first win ever, in the top division – I knew it would happen “One Day In your Life” Michael – so congrats MJ and now it’s time to keep on going and “Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough” (I could go on! No really I could! And I will in future reports!!!)
    Match secured! Great to say that so early on in the report!
    Next up at No.3 Doug (Macmillan) v Jonathan Naylor. After his heroics last week this was a much more dominant performance and to be honest Doug was a class apart. Jonathan played some great short volleys especially on the backhand, but Doug was just too quick and too good tonight and won 3-0.
    Last up was Craig (Valentie-Wallace) against Alan McKay. This was the match of the night as it went to 5 games (with two tie breaks). Craig was frustrated at times with his play and this was often because he tried to attack from a poor length. This meant that Alan could be really quick on the ball and put it away, with his great movement. However time after time Craig dug in when it mattered. No more so that at 5-10 down he made a spectacular come-back to win the 3rd game 12-10. Then had a great stroke of luck at 10-10 in the 5th game when he hit Alan with a ball down the middle. This could have gone either way, but for me it was Craig’s to lose and he didn’t!! 3-2 win.
    So maximum points for the first time this season and a delighted team. Mind you we play Giffnock 1 next week, so not many points there! And talking about Giffnock 1 – I wonder how they got on against Newlands 1 (last I heard it was 2-1 to Newlands at 10.30pm!!)

  25. November 27, 2014 at 12:01 am

    Wednesday 19th November 2014 – 2nd Team
    2nds away to SSRC 4 19th November 14
    Jason set up an early start so I was on court at SSRC by 6.20ish playing Andrew Nelson (nicknamed Angry by turncoat George Allan). We had a good game which I lost 3-1. Had game points in 3 of the 4 games played though, and might have converted a bit better.
    At No 5 Iain Beveridge played young Josh Bain. A really close tussle, Iain playing well, but some illegal advice from John Thistle midway through final game might have had an effect. Josh went on to win 3-2.
    At No 3 Piotrek played Maggie Farrell, and didn’t have his best evening. Curtailing the Polish expletives might have pervaded his normal spirit as he lost 3-0.
    I then had to leave, but our top two talisman did their bit, once again by achieving 3-1 victories David Ritchie against at No 2 John Loftus, and John Turner against their number 1 John Thistle.
    Overall a 14 – 9 win for SSRC.
    The place was jumping, the courts were good and warm, it had the feel of a proper sports club, many younger players too. It saddens me greatly that the management at DLWE try so hard to dissuade folk from coming to play their squash at our club – the reasons well documented by now.
    DLWE 2 v’s SSRC at Maryhill

    We ventured into deepest darkest Maryhill on a cold dark November night more in hope than expectation and came away with a creditable 9 points. It could have been much better.
    Colonel kicked off and despite taking three games to 14 went down 3-1. At least we was on the board.
    Iain took the floor next and promptly found himself 2 down. It was looking grim. The Kracken awoke and harried his younger opponent into error after error to level the match. All on the 5th. Despite running him close Iain went down 3 – 2. On another night it could easily have gone the other way, but 2 more points.
    Next up was Piotr . Sadly for him he was up against Maggie a competent canny player whose game Piotr fed like a training session as he, with uncanny consistency found a perfect length, into the middle of the court and with unerring accuracy, onto his opponents racket. Despite enormous effort down he went 0 – 3.
    So defeat was ensured. Now it’s about damage limitation.
    At two DR’s big hitting opponent managed to hit lots down which was great as he looses 1 – 3. At last lots of points and a touch of respectability.
    The top dogs finally took to the arena. JT’s looking hungry. In a flash he’s 0 – 6 down. He wakes up and in the next flash he’s won the first and cruises, despite a wee blip to an emphatic 3 – 1 deserved victory. He’ll play better and lose but it was a valuable 3 points.
    So in summary we lose 3 – 2 but pick up a good 9 points but no bananas. With a fair wind it could have been better but we are close to be really competitive in this league.
    Finally the tea was simple baked potatoes lots of things to go with them . DLWE cooks could learn a thing or two, even I can cook a baked potato.

  26. November 27, 2014 at 12:01 am

    Wednesday 19th November 2014 – 3rd Team
    Was so depressed I couldn’t bring myself to write one:-
    Scotstoun 2 v DLWE 3
    We marched onto the very courts that the Commonwealth Games elite had used. Would the likes of Nick Mathew, James Wilstrop and our very own Squash Press Co-ordinator Clydesider David Mazzucco inspire us.
    Simple answer is no. But it could have been different.
    Chris and Azmat started at the same time. Both had similar starts and managed to go 2 down. While Chris’s opponent managed to close out the match 3-0, Azmat started a recovery and managed to win the next 2 and then take slight control in the 5th. Fair to say the match was almost entirely played in the front half of the court. With the finishing line in sight Azmat faltered and from about 13-10 up his luck ran out and he lost 13-15.
    Captain Mazzucco replaced Chris on court and seemed to have the edge and went into a 2-0 lead. With Azmat’s match finished I then went on and somehow I should not have been surprised to hear David’s match prolonging on the next court. When I stepped off court for a break in games it was 2-2. Didn’t see the last game but David is claiming an outbreak of proper squash to race into an early lead and always control things for a 3-2 victory.
    I always had the slight edge on my opponent but was not helped as this was the markers first attempt at marking a match. In the 3rd game my superior fitness obviously took hold !! as my opponent struggled for breath and took an age between points. As the marker was oblivious to any continuous play rules I just had to put up with it but had enough to scrape out a 3-0 win.
    Deciding match and last on was Luke. Now Luke had played and lost to this opponent recently and I don’t know if this was preying on his mind but in the first 2 games he allowed the opponent to dominate the T and play at the pace he wanted. Poor service returns was the main problem. Better in the 3rd game but his opponent Darren always had the edge.
    14-8 loss and only 2 wins so far this season. Not good for a team that thought it had a chance of promotion. Extra coaching required I think.

  27. November 27, 2014 at 12:01 am

    Wednesday 19th November 2014 – 4th Team
    There was bad news for the 4th team this week before the match even started, when we discovered that we only had four players. So we were 3-0 down before we even arrived at the club to play SSRC 6. Given this inauspicious start, we couldn’t possibly have known that the evening would be marked by a genuine sporting first.
    I arrived to find that Cameron Gauhl, playing at number one, had lost the first game against Nico Ferrand from France. Nico is no Gregory Gaultier but he was still having a surprisingly easy time of it against a lacklustre Cameron, who gave away the second game meekly. After a pep talk from Raymond and Alastair, Cameron’s game showed signs of life in the third game but it was too little, too late and Nico won 3-0 (15-12 15-6 15-11).
    Next up was Raymond Gauhl, playing at number three, against 13-year-old Jack Fenton. Raymond was still looking for his first win in team squash. Would this be the night? Right from the start, I suspected it might be. Jack was a decent player for his age but not of the same standard as some of the child prodigies we’ve encountered over the past year or so. Raymond started well but I got the impression he was taking it a bit easy on his young opponent. He paid the price for this when Jack fought back to win the first game 15-11. This was a bit of a wake-up call for Raymond and, from this point on, he imposed himself more on the match. He won the next two games 15-8 15-7 and had a 14-9 lead in the fourth. On his first match point, Raymond stopped and asked for a let. When the marker (me) said ‘no let’, he wasn’t happy at all! Fortunately for both of us, Raymond won the next point to secure victory!
    So one of the longest losing streaks in sport comes to an end. It’s been a tough first year and a bit of team squash for Raymond, playing higher up the team while some of the rest of us picked up the occasional morale-boosting win at four or five. But he has never let it get him down and he’s always maintained that he’d keep going until he finally won. And now he has. Well done Raymond! (And sorry about the dodgy let call on match point!)
    Keep an eye out this weekend for a bonus, commemorative ‘Raymond Wins’ edition of the 4th Team Match Report. We’ll have all the reaction to this historic moment, including interviews with his family, friends, teammates and many other people who have shared Raymond’s journey to squash mediocrity. We’ll even have an interview with the man himself, conducted moments after the end of the match, in which Raymond tells me how it feels to finally be a winner. Unfortunately I’ve had to edit out large parts of the interview due to Raymond’s strong language in relation to the let call on match point. Rounding off this special souvenir issue will be an exclusive feature on Jason Broadberry, the man who plucked Raymond from squash obscurity and made him the player he is today. It’s a report not to be missed!
    Raymond’s win wasn’t the only good news for the 4th team this week. Alastair Brash, playing at number four, beat Paul Fenton 15-8 17-15 15-12. Unfortunately I didn’t see any of the match because I was marking Raymond’s and then playing my own. Alastair has now won three out of his first four team squash matches and is proving a terrific addition to the team.
    So now it was up to me to try to seal an unlikely win for the 4th team. I was playing at number two against Katy Hodgson (no relation to Roy). This was a frustrating match for me. It felt winnable, yet I was never quite able to get the initiative. Katy played very smart squash, moving me around well and getting the ball into the back corners more often than I did. After Katy won the first game, the crucial moment of the match came when I led 13-10 in the second. I played a series of careless points, Katy came back to win the game and, instead of being 1-1, it was 2-0. I tried as hard as I could to turn things round in the third but it wasn’t enough and Katy won 3-0 (15-11 15-13 15-10). The final match score was 13-6 to SSRC.
    There was plenty of interesting chat over the pasta bake. Nico seemed oddly keen to tell us about how his philandering had ruined his marriage (I’m sure his President would be proud of him) and Raymond regaled us with tales of the time he was arrested in France for drug possession (just for the avoidance of doubt, he was completely exonerated!)
    Raymond refused to give me a lift home this week. I can’t imagine why. Perhaps it was to do with what I said about his car last week. Or maybe it had something to do with the dodgy let call on match point. Or the incessant references to his pants in these match reports. Anyway, as luck would have it, Jason was on hand to help me out. Hopefully Alastair Brash (who really does have a much nicer car than Raymond) will be doing the driving next week.

  28. December 3, 2014 at 9:09 am

    Wednesday 26th November 2014 – 1st Team
    Well I was up at 5am and coaching at 6am on Wednesday morning so was well warmed up by 6.30pm as I arrived at Giffnock awaiting David Craig – and daughter Elvi the team mascot (and not a group of Elvis’s as the pronunciation suggests). 12 hours before i did predict that the score would be 1-18 so that was the benchmark to bear in mind if you’re thinking we did very badly as actually I was quite pleased (all things considered!)
    Elvi’s mascot magic was working well tonight as David lined up against the much improved James Singh. I though Dave may be in for bit of a tonking, but not a bit of it and I think I can save a lot of time with the phrase that is quite traditional with reports on Davie C …. “and so to the 5th “
    Yes that’s right 2 team points secured already (smashing the prediction) and Dave was playing a blinder. He was hitting well and chasing like a maniac at times. I didn’t see all of the match, but having said that, Elvi is getting much better at concentrating on the squash, keeping quiet at the right times and vigorously applauding every rally with me – so I did see some large chunks of the game and Dave was excellent. However James dug well and along with his renowned fitness he had some great disguised shots. I particularly enjoyed the ‘taxi’ he handed out on one occasion from a back wall boast (feigned drop, then drive – crowd laughed heartily! Maybe you had to be there!?!).
    Next on were the No.1s as Craig (Valentie-Wallace) took on Kev Moran – Commonwealth Game Finalist (in the ‘Classic’). Kev was going through his warm up routine while I was chatting to him about his next tournament in Sheffield (the ‘PSA Steel City Open’ – click here to see the draw & how Kev is doing – not to mention top seed Greg Lobban).
    Anyway there was no major surprise to report Kev won 3-0. He plays a completely different game than when we played together for David Lloyd Renfrew. He’s looks strong and his basic game is very good. Craig was right in the rallies though and he used his power to great effect to get Kevin in the back corners, but there was only so long he could sustain the quality required to counter Kev’s game. Good contest though and Craig played well (BTW – that ball was definitely down Craig!).
    Next on was Doug (MacMillan) against Owen (Haddaway) Hadden. Again no surprises here as Owen won 3-0, but Doug played well in clumps of points throughout the match. Owen was just too consistent though and as Doug tired Owen dominated more and more.
    The No.5 went on next and for us Michael Jackson (cha’mone) against Matthew Stout. MJ is playing well these days, which must be down to his positive attitude of looking to “The Man in the Mirror” and ‘asking him to change his squash ways’!!!
    Anyway a good start saw him right in the match, but Matt piped the 1st 11-8. The 2nd game was similar and MJ was teeing Matt up with cross courts too often ‘and no message could have been any clearer’ stop hitting those cross-courts….he-he! Unfortunately for us Matthew turned the screw and won the 2nd 11-7 before also running away with the 3rd as well – MJ was HIStory!!
    I was last up (Jason Broadberry) against Stuart George. I must have got Stu on a bad day as he wasn’t feeling well – in fact afterwards he said he felt dizzy and couldn’t see the ball. I’m not sure what that says about my squash because he still stuffed me! Having said that I’m loving the my new Harrow stringing, as I was able to spin the ball all over the place and create a bit of havoc in the 2nd and 3rd games. In fact the match could have gone to 5, because I was up 9-5 in the 3rd, but ‘blind Stu’ did enough to run all my shots down and volley so high up the court that it was probably what made him dizzy in the first place! But I got a team point and so was content with that!
    So the team exceeded my expectations and ended up 3-18. I’ll need to up my expectations as obviously anything can happen (when you have a magic mascot).
    Alarm set for 5am tomorrow, but not before a bottle of Weihenstephan for dinner!

  29. December 3, 2014 at 9:09 am

    Wednesday 26th November 2014 – 2nd Team
    The boys from doon the water came up an gies us a doing.
    Yet this was a match in which we were close but in the end too far.
    Sandro reappeared having been training on University beer by the look of him. Hit the ball well in all the wrong places loss 3 – 0.
    Colonel appeared at 4 looked promising but obsessed with some flight to the sun tomorrow. Against one of these tricky opponents you cannot get round loss 1 – 3. A point in the bag, on the board.
    Peter gets 2 and so easily could have been 3 against an opponent that looked like he had a batman Lycra outfit without the cloak . Hit the ball really we’ll and only used one racket this week.
    At against a Duracell type who eventually made more mistakes despite DR’s efforts to make as many we run out a nice little 3. – 1.
    At one JT came up against the best player he’s seen this year, sorry Jason, got really close in a couple but it was 0 – 3.
    Summary reasonable effort frustratingly close again. The spaghetti food was good and our guests thanked us for it.
    Next week we look forward to a great victory.

  30. December 3, 2014 at 9:09 am

    Wednesday 26th November 2014 – 3rd Team
    Thirds Team Report
    “Simplicity is the key to brilliance”
    Bruce Lee
    Yes that doyen of Kung Fu in the 1970’s would I am sure have revelled in the gladiatorial battles of Wednesday night squash.
    Would he have been good enough to have made the thirds or was he destined to break bricks with the fourths.
    Either way he would have enjoyed the simplicity of the squash on offer.
    Our match on Wednesday was against SSRC 6ths and it was pleasing to note that the fearsome nature of our reputation (What a tiger David is )
    had induced one of the opposition to turn up and turn tail , he had to be away by 7 (Watch with Mother I think).
    Thus Chris McNally had a walk over and the first three points were in the bag.
    Our resident Tiger David Mazzucco played the first actual squash against Paul Fenton . I saw a bit of this match and really for once David was in command.
    There was no need for any 3-2 heroics and a 3-0 win ensued 15-4 15-8 16-14
    Up next was Alastair Baird playing Pauls son Jack. After Robert McNicols excellent last week’s report on the 4ths I knew Jack had been the unfortunate one to let Raymond Gaul lose his Squash league virginity.
    As such I suspected Al had nothing to win and all to lose and to help in that feeling I told him so, reverse psychology I think they call it . It seemed to work as Al lost 8 of the first ten points. However his true
    colours came to the fore and young Jack increasingly had no answers ,a win 3-0 15-11 15- 8 15-8
    Young Luke .still wondering who is Father is , I am sure to him that joke is as old as Jason Broadberry, then played Omar Sharif. Omar had enough bandages on to keep St Johns ambulance crew on overtime for a month.
    Luke was a mixture of good bad and ugly with unfortunately more of the ugly. He could not quite live with Omar’s delicate placement shots and lost in four albeit at one stage seemed to be on a comeback.
    loss 5-15 13-15 15-10 12-15
    I was on last and had a comfortable win 15-4 15-2 15-5
    David Mazzucco obviously feeling I had not been pushed challenged me to a few games I promised after only playing two not to mention the scores on the report so will adhere to my principals.
    … a aside anyone remember England Norway Football 1980’s … you took a hell of a beating Winston Churchill ,Margaret Thatcher….
    Win overall 16-3
    Still chances to maybe start pushing for top three ,if not at least the consolation of meeting the fourths is almost upon us , I can use that Norway quote again ….

  31. December 3, 2014 at 9:10 am

    Wednesday 26th November 2014 – 4th Team
    Great news for the 4th team this week. We actually had five players for our match, away to Newlands 8! In even better news, Raymond was still speaking to me despite last week’s match report!
    Alastair Brash got us underway, at number five. He was always going to be up against it, given that his opponent had recently been runner-up in the Irish Open. The Girls’ under-13 Irish Open, that is! Orla Young may only be 12 years old but she’s won every match she’s played this season, including a victory over the 3rd team’s David Wilson. To Alastair’s credit, he came as close to beating her as anyone. Orla led 2-1 and was close to victory in the fourth game until an impressive comeback from Alastair took it to a fifth. At this point, I really thought Alastair had a good chance of winning. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Orla upped her level and totally destroyed Alastair in the final game. It was as if she’d been toying with him all along. The score was 15-7 12-15 15-6 13-15 15-3. Orla Young! Look out for the name! Alastair Brash? I’ll be looking out for that name too, but only because he’s offered me a lift to the Allander next week!
    Next up was me, at number four, against Cameron Moss. There’s not much to say about this one, except that Cameron was too young, too fit, too strong, too quick for me. I had to really scrap just to keep the score vaguely respectable. It finished 15-9 15-6 15-10. As Jason keeps telling me, I need to play more squash.
    Next it was Raymond Gauhl, at number three, against Callum Bruce. Last week, Raymond recorded his first ever team squash win. How would he respond this week? Well, it’s to Raymond’s great credit that he managed to put this aberration behind him and get on with the usual business of losing 3-0. To be honest, none of us paid much attention to the match. We were too busy marvelling at Raymond’s shorts, which appeared to be much longer at the front than at the back! Thanks to Alastair for pointing that one out! For the record, the score was 15-7 15-7 15-9.
    After Gauhl senior, it was time for Gauhl junior to take to the court. Cameron was playing at number two against Frank Logie. This was the match of the evening, or at least I’m pretty sure it was. I spent the first four games trying (and mostly failing) not to be distracted by the attractive girl playing on the next court. By the time she had finished, Cameron and Frank were locked at 2-2. I could tell that Cameron was in need of some shrewd tactical advice at this point, so I took a leaf out of the Jason Broadberry coaching manual and instructed Cameron to ‘do more of what you did in the second and third games and less of what you did in the first and fourth’. This seemed to do the trick. Although the final game was close, Cameron raised his level on the crucial last few points and closed out a 12-15 15-10 15-11 10-15 15-11 victory.
    Playing at number one this week was Iain Monaghan, who was up against Colin McIntyre. The first two games were fairly competitive but Colin won them both, 15-8 15-13. At this point, Iain came over to us and said, ‘If I just lose this game we’ll get our dinner quicker!’ I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that he proceeded to lose the third game 15-5…
    The final score was 17-5 to Newlands but congratulations to Cameron for a really good win, congratulations to Alastair for nearly beating a 12 year old girl and congratulations to Iain for not forcing us to hang around too long for our pizza and chips! And thanks to Raymond for a lift home in his very nice car!
    So the 4th team’s plan of peaking just in time for the big derby against the 3rd team is coming along nicely. Perhaps by then we’ll have our new shirts, courtesy of our new sponsors Kelvin Financial Planning! Just on the off chance that anyone from Kelvin Financial Planning is reading this, do you think the budget might stretch to a new pair of shorts for Raymond? And maybe even a pair of sponsored pants?

  32. December 10, 2014 at 1:25 pm

    Wednesday 3rd December 2014 – 1st Team
    Well that was an interesting one tonight and I’m tempted to write 2 separate reports about our match up against (the newly developing – see pic left) Western away; which I’ve only ever done once before! In truth however the match in question was probably just a bit of a storm in a teacup.
    Earlier on today – as I was getting out of the shower – there was a ring on the doorbell. I had no towel on, so I just shouted,
    “Who’s there?” and the reply came back,
    “It’s the blind man.” So I opened the door and there was this bloke standing in the porch holding a big cardboard box. He looked at me and said,
    “So, where do you want these blinds?”……. I wish the wife would tell me when she orders this stuff!
    First on tonight at No.4 was the battle of the David’s. David from David Lloyd (Craig) v David Kelly. David dominated this match (!) and I have to say he probably just had a bit too much experience tonight. Unfortunately I’m talking about their David and he played the big points well at the crucial times to win 3-0. Our Dave (C) played and ran well, but a slow first game (as usual) and a few too many tins put him under constant pressure. Plus the fact he didn’t bring the lucky mascot!.
    Next on at No.5 was our own Michael Jackson (hee-hee!) v Matthias Tesson. Michael was raring to go, but in the knock-up, after he fired 3 consecutive shots into the tin Douglas shouted out “Michael, you may want to consider using the strings!”…………… (“You Know I’m Bad, I’m Bad – Really, Really Bad!”)
    The start of every game was hard fought and very even, after all “no one wants to be defeated!” Michael played some great rallies and covered the court really well, unfortunately at about 5-5 Matthias took control and made sure that not only did everything come back, but he also played a good length. He did this in the 1st and 2nd games and everything was looking rosé for Matthias at 2-0 up! MJ was trying to win every shot of every rally with a kill, about 1mm above the tin and this was getting him into a “Jam” because, although he hit some great shots, he was also hitting 1mm below the tin on too many occasions. It was quite “Black or White”, either stop hitting the tin or lose. MJ lost!!
    Next on was Dougie (Macmillan) against Andy Phillips. I though Doug may win this easily, but Andy played really well to dispel this theory. Andy kept the ball really tight on the backhand and was hitting some great drops. At 1-1 Doug looked like he was struggling, and when he scraped the 3rd 15-13 it looked like the match could have been anyone’s. However I felt that if Doug kept the pressure on Andy – and played 10 shot rallies, rather than 3 shot ones, then he’d win. This proved to be true, and although Andy made every rally difficult Doug started to take more control. Andy hit a few tins at the wrong time and Doug sneaked home 3-1.
    I do think that Doug now holds some sort of record though, as he lost 2 new balls in the heater – is this the most ever or can someone do better? Maybe our very own Michael Jackson can “Beat It”?!?!? (Too much? No I didn’t think so!)
    So could I win against Steven Halliday and take the match to a 2-2 decider? I’m sure I beat Steve last time I played him – this was the good news! However, he was about 13 at the time – this was the bad news!
    Steven looked less fit than I’ve seen him in the past, but unfortunately he still hits the ball to an impeccably measured length and this causes his opponents to give away loads of opportunities and then he just puts you away again and again. I like to think I play that way as well (although at a lower standard) and I can tell you it’s bloody annoying to play against! I played OK though and when Doug told me to play a better width, I began to make a nuisance of myself, but that was about it. Steven won 3-0 and I don’t think I realistically could have done much better (still that’s only 1-1 in the series Steve – I look forward to playing you in another 20 years time!).
    Last up were the No.1s Craig (Valente-Wallace) for us against Peter Halliday for Western – this was eventful and I’ll try and give a tactful report!!
    Peter stormed the 1st and Craig sneaked the 2nd about 15-13. However it was about this time that both players began to slow a little bit and get in each other’s way. Shots that Craig was smacking down the backhand wall for winners became shorter in length and Craig was finding Peter right behind him looking for ‘lets’ and ‘strokes’.
    Peter was also tiring and the shots he was getting in the 1st games were getting away from him and so ‘lets’ became ‘no lets’. Both parties felt aggrieved – and more and more arguments with the ref ensued (Dave Craig was mighty relieved that he didn’t have to mark this one! As was I!). Peter won the 3rd game also on a tie break after volleying a cross court nic-roller at game ball down (#braveorstupidyoudecide!) and as Craig left the court all we could hear from outside the court was “S#!£ – F@$# – #$^K !!!
    The pace remained high and the ball was red hot in the 4th – and this matched the players tempers………… and some of the crowd! Conduct warnings and strokes were handed out, for heated exchanges with the ref – and this did little to make the contest flow. The game began to slip away from Craig at this moment and he ended up losing a very tight match 3-1.
    I have to say that I think players should confine their comments to the ref and not discuss decisions with each other, but other than that it was just a hard match played by two players giving their all on a Wednesday night for the team. After a quick shower and discussion I’m sure consensus wasn’t reached, but all was left with a hand shake.
    Very nice Chinese for dinner and probably the last time we get to have a pint before these new (draconian) drink drive laws come in on Friday. From now on I think I’ll just have to go home, close the new blinds, and have a beer on the couch.

  33. December 10, 2014 at 1:25 pm

    Wednesday 3rd December 2014 – 2nd Team

  34. December 10, 2014 at 1:25 pm

    Wednesday 3rd November 2014 – 3rd Team
    DLWE 3 vs Wanderers 2
    ”If you live long enough , you’ll see that every victory turns into a defeat .”
    Simone De Beauvoir
    The thirds may be mired in mid table oblivion at the moment but there was a chance a few victories could lift us up to contenders
    So it was last Wednesday we had a chance to put the big boys under pressure.
    Speaking about Big Boys David Mazzucco was on first at 4 against Jim Smith an even bigger boy
    I watched most of the first game and with Big Jim as mobile as a First World War tank I thought our David would win comfortably.
    Indeed he won the first 16-14 but then Jim simply planked himself on the tee and volleyed, dropped etc all David’s efforts.
    As an aside last night on my way to Squash training I saw on the tennis courts a foursome obviously playing in the over 75 league.
    I then spotted David at the front net ,with to my untrained eye having an easy smash volley….straight in the net it went.
    Back to the squash as the match wore on straight in the tin it went.
    Loss 16-14 14-16 11-15 6-15
    Alastair Baird playing at three was in danger of having the title Invincible bestowed upon him as he had yet to lose on his return.
    Hopes were therefore high…..he lost . To be fair his opponent Tom Clancy (Who is going in for hip replacement operation we wish him well)
    had as per Jim at 4 the game of drops placement volley etc that Alastair got increasingly caught up in. A bit of bang,bang thank you Mam might
    have been a better approach
    Loss 15-7 8-15 12-15 19-17 9-15
    Young Luke, carrying the hopes of the Republic, was on next at 2. I only saw some of his game as I marked David Wilson’s match but again he
    was up against a wiry opponent in Mike Dewar. All games were close but the Death Star was too much
    Loss 10-15 9-15 13-15
    Meanwhile I marked David Wilson at 5 against Peter Wynne. David played pretty well in parts but as with all the Wanderers he was up against a dropper and
    volleyer. Another day and David could have prevailed especially when hitting his classy line shots, however another close loss.
    Loss 11-15 15-11 10-15 7-15
    I was on last at 1 against John McTiernan. After saying all the above about drop shots etc I too forgot about line and length . However even although my play was not great
    I must have had an extra Mars bar because my fitness saw me through
    Win 17-15 15-11 15-7
    Overall Loss 7-15
    Oh happy days we have the fourths next
    All victories turn to defeats, in that case don’t think so !

  35. December 10, 2014 at 1:26 pm

    Wednesday 3rd December 2014 – 4th Team
    Alastair was kind enough to give Raymond, Cameron and me a lift to the Allander this week. Travelling to matches together is certainly good for team camaraderie, although I think Raymond took it a bit far when, as we entered the changing room, he exclaimed, ‘isn’t it nice that we can all get undressed together!’

    First on court was Alastair Brash. Alastair was playing at number five against Gordon Gray, who beat me last year in what was an ‘eventful’ match. For my thoughts on Gordon and last year’s encounter you’ll need to read the match report. Although, come to think of it, Jason edited out most of the interesting bits…

    Anyway I hoped Alastair would have better luck against Gordon than I did, but it wasn’t to be. I only saw the first game before I started my own match but I later discovered that Alastair had lost 15-6 16-14 15-9. Perhaps if he had managed to win that second game it might all have been different, but we’ll never know.

    I played at number three against Willie Harrower. I managed to sneak a close first game 15-13 but then Willie went up several gears and dominated the next two games, winning them 15-4 15-6. At 13-10 in the fourth, victory for Willie looked inevitable. But I dug in, won the next five points in a row and suddenly the match was up for grabs again. Sadly I couldn’t sustain this form into the fifth and Willie ended up winning it 15-8. It’s always frustrating to lose 3-2 but, on the other hand, I managed to win two games despite being completely outplayed for the majority of the match. So it wasn’t all bad.

    Meanwhile, Raymond Gauhl was playing at number four against Hamish McKay. I didn’t see any of this match and, judging from the score (15-3 15-3 15-6 to Hamish), neither did anyone who blinked!

    Chris McNally played at number two this week, against Kevin Reilly. Chris acquitted himself well, without ever looking like winning. The first two games were both close to begin with before Kevin went up a gear to win them 15-10 and 15-8. The third was more one-sided but Chris staged a late fight back before losing it 15-9.

    Last but certainly not least was Cameron Gauhl, who played at number one against Gordon Todd. I missed most of this match because I was marking Kevin v Chris on the other court, but I could tell from the regular applause coming from the other side of the gallery that it was a terrific contest. For the second week in a row, Cameron did us proud and produced our only win of the night. The score was 15-12 15-12 9-15 15-9.

    Post-match food was at McDonald’s! Cameron expressed reservations about being seen in McDonald’s with a group of ‘old’ people but, in the end, he really enjoyed his Happy Meal. Meanwhile, Raymond ate all my chips while Kevin Reilly and I reminisced about last year’s Christmas night out. Least said about that, the better…

    Next week: Next week takes place this evening, since it’s taken me a week to write this report. It’s the one we’ve all been waiting for! The big derby! The 3rd team seem very confident of victory but we think their arrogance will backfire on them. I fully expect them to be leaving the club tonight with their tails between their legs and egg (or maybe pasta bake) on their faces!

  36. December 12, 2014 at 12:54 am

    Wednesday 10th December 2014 – 1st Team
    Newlands 1 – and the hits just keep on coming. Oh well I’m sure they wouldn’t have their full team out against us! Wrong! Greg Lobban, the PSA World No.63 at No.1 – Peter O’Harrow (!) at No.2 (2013 Over 40s British Open Champ) – Matt Bedwell at 3 (U19 No.15 in England) – Angus Woodward at 4 (not lost this year!) and up from Carlisle Vicky Bell at No.5.
    So, a short night then!
    At first, no one was very sure who was playing No.1 for Newlands and when Alan Pearson turned up (their Team manager – and Newlands guru!) he said ‘I thought your No.1 would have told you’. Interesting! It’s up to the opposition to tell us what the Newlands line up is! I’m sure that’s not how Chelsea do it!
    Having said all that we secured the team point on the very first game of the night, as David Craig actually warmed up for once and stormed the 1st game 12-10! But maybe we should have quit while we were up!
    Angus started hitting a great length and won 3-1. Great team point though (must have been the return of the team mascot!).
    Next on was Michael Jackson against Vicky Bell – thumped 3-0. Don’t worry MJ “You are not alone” this week!
    After that was me – thumped 3-0 (at 2 v Pistol Pete)
    Then Craig VW – thumped 3-0 (at 1 v Greg L – who is currently ranked as the 2nd best player representing Scotland) – didn’t see it as I was marking at the time.
    Last on Doug (Macmillan) at No.3 – well Doug was great again this week with a magnificent 1st game winning 11-8 against Matt. However Matt hit a better length in the rest of the match and also ran around like Mo Farah. No Really! I was sweating more from marking than Matt was from doing court sprints v Doug.
    I thought Doug played well in every game, but it was almost impossible to play a winner against Matt. So Doug eventually ran out of steam and lost 1-3.
    Still 2 points for the team, which when I saw their line up, was 2 more points than I thought we’d get!
    Soft drinks only with dinner (bar humbug!)
    Still it’s the Team Christmas Night out on Saturday so hopefully will do a bit more damage to the bar that day!

  37. JT
    December 12, 2014 at 12:55 am

    Wednesday 10th December 2014 – 2nd Team
    ” I don’t see nothin wrong ,
    With a little Bump and Grind ”
    R Kelly
    Plenty of bump and grind for seconds at the Wanderers on Wednesday night.
    Having pushed the boundaries of being ‘sociably late’ right up to the wire, and probably beyond, the Bump at reception meant that this match almost never started.
    JT waltzes in at 7:35pm thinking that the second match of the evening is probably just getting underway to be greeted by the Wanderers skip enquiring, in a very ( and understandably ) pissed off tone – are you from David Lloyd ? Oucha !! I was the first one there. He was just about to phone, claim a no show, and the 18 points. I went into apology overdrive, begged forgiveness, established that Doctor Dave and Neil Ross were moments away, and persuaded him that we should at least get a few matches played.
    On Doctor Dave’s arrival there was then a debate about our number 5 ( David M) being late on a delayed flight, and that if he didn’t show up pronto then they would claim the points. Gnashing of teeth – Grind ! Just as the tension was rising , David M appears and a negotiated position is reached that we should start the match, and see how it goes, but if we cannot complete, DL loses the points.
    To be fair to them, they had every right to be seriously unhappy, were perfectly civil, and actually were a decent bunch of guys. Anyway, to the match :
    I went on at one, never got going in the first, but managed to find decent form to then grind out a 3-1 victory.
    In parallel, Neil Ross went on at four against their youngest and by far fittest player. Now Neil is in the middle of ‘no sleep baby fugue’, hasn’t played much at all recently, and was recovering from norovirus, so huge respect for actually turning up and putting in a squash shift. Maybe a bit rusty but definitely getting there ( although not enough to throw that racquet around yet ). Bump. Lost 3-0
    Then David M went at five – a really close match, but David was hitting the ball very sweetly indeed ( sometimes back to himself !!), and managed to just keep his nose marginally in front throughout. A 3-1 victory – that’s the second week running he has delivered for the team – great effort, and more to come going forward I hope.
    Match of the night was undoubtedly Piotr’s at three – P is a much improved player on last year, doesn’t seem to want to argue about stuff half as much, and is obviously thinking about his tactics more ( I can see the concentration levels on his face ). He was wearing his ‘ I’ve been to Ballyearl and got the T shirt’ top and this must have inspired him in this ding dong match . He managed to lose the first from 14-9 up, won the second well, lost the third and was 13-9 down in the fourth before winning 15-13, and then dominated the fifth winning 15-5. Bump. Grind. Result ! 3-2 victory.
    On last playing second, Doctor Dave ( sporting bright orange top under his baby blue track suit top) cruised through to a 3-0 victory, somewhat assisted by his opponents persistent serving out.
    So, a 4-1 victory = 15- 7. It’s been a while since the seconds have pulled in a victory, so a real confidence booster going into the last match of the calendar year.
    With all the kerfuffle of the late start a distant memory, and some decent chit chat with the Wanderers guys, we went off to The Ark ( student type bar – oh, how we blended in ) for post match drinks, pizza and chips – all very nice but conversation bit difficult due to how loud the music was – yes , you’ve guessed it – R Kelly’s Bump and Grind at 20 decibels !

  38. December 17, 2014 at 11:11 pm

    Wednesday 10th December 2014 – 3rd Team
    Winning is everything .
    The only ones who remember you when
    you when you come second are your wife and your dog
    Damon Hill
    I am blessed with a beautiful wife and a yappy dog (I did get that the right way round), so was
    this quote addressed to me or were the entire 4th Team kicking the dog and chasing the wife with a frying pan on there
    return to hame on Wednesday night ?
    I arrived, based on the seconds report early, at 7.10 to find the derby was already up and running with passions high and saliva juicing.
    On first was the match of the night with Luke Steven playing at 2 against Cameron Gauhl . Both these young hipsters were fired to win.
    I was diverted to mark Alastair’s and Roberts match but from what I saw the standard of play was good and not many lets were called.
    The game went back and forth Cameron having straighter lines but Luke more consistency. A winner had to emerge and It was Luke.
    Well played to both a standard was set…which of course no other game lived up to
    Win 3-2 11-15 11-15 15-5 15-13 15-13
    I, while the fast paced action was on court 3 ,marked the Last of the Summer wine game of Alastair Baird against Robert McNicol playing at 3.
    David Wilson observing ,pointed out the speed of the court ,I marking assumed it was the participants. Anyway Robert did cause Alastair some palpitations
    but as time went on the more accurate placement prevailed and Robert by the end wished he had a Wife and Dog .
    Win 3-0 15-9 15-11 15-4
    David Wilson against Alastair Brash at 5 was on next . A few comments were made about the new excellent team shirts being tight fitting on these gentlemen.
    I am not naming names but he has a goatee and is fourth best squash person in his family. Anyway the shirts did not preclude a lot of hurtling around especially
    from Alastair(A much improved player must be the coaching !) but David always had the edge.
    Win 3-0 15-9 15-10 15-10
    David Mazzucco was on at 4 against pants boy Raymond Gauhl . I was playing at the same time so did not see one point of this game . At one of my breaks I asked someone
    the score and they said 2-1 to Raymond . My immediate thought was David had broken his leg . I found out later it was 2-1 on points. Anyway David won as expected and
    another Dog and Wife were primed for understanding nods and barks
    Won 3-0 15-9 15-3 15-8
    I was on last with Iain Monaghan at 1 on the show court. Some of the all star magic from the firsts must have stayed on court because for myself I played pretty well from
    the first point on . Iain was the opposite a bit rusty.
    Won 3-0 15-5 15-1 15-6
    Overall 18-2
    Taking part is all that counts who are you kidding !
    Eight of us went over to the Agra in Crow Road for a curry. Good choice and chat was good albeit the third team members enjoyed it better I suspect.

  39. December 17, 2014 at 11:11 pm

    Wednesday 10th December 2014 – 4th Team
    Hello and welcome to the Kelvin Financial Planning David Lloyd West End 4th Team Match Report, brought to you by Kelvin Financial Planning, in association with Kelvin Financial Planning!

    Before we get onto this week’s match, I’d like to thank Michael Jackson (no, not that one) and his company, Kelvin Financial Planning, for becoming our new sponsor and providing us with our new team shirts. I’d also like to make it clear that I won’t allow the sponsorship deal to interfere with the editorial integrity of this match report. The purpose of the 4th Team Match Report is to report on very bad squash, not to act as a mouthpiece for Kelvin Financial Planning. In fact you’ll very rarely see the name Kelvin Financial Planning mentioned here at all!

    Now we’ve got that out of the way, onto this week’s match. This week the 4th team were at home against a ramshackle mob calling themselves David Lloyd West End 3. You might have heard of them. Home advantage can often be the decisive factor in derby matches but, sadly, this didn’t turn out to be the case this week.

    First match of the night was Cameron Gauhl (sponsored by Kelvin Financial Planning) v Luke Steven (sponsored by Kelvin Financial Planning) at number two. I missed all but the last game of this match because I was playing at the same time. I wish I’d seen more of it, though, because it appears to have been a classic. Cameron won the first two games and looked headed for victory. However my mole informs me that, at this point, Luke was the recipient of some shrewd tactical advice from his captain, David Mazzucco. It clearly worked wonders because Luke stormed back to win the match 3-2. The score was 11-15 11-15 15-5 15-13 15-13. It was a tough loss for Cameron but it’ll be different come the rematch on March 11th!

    I played at number three against Alastair Baird (sponsored by Kelvin Financial Planning). Alastair won the first game fairly comfortably but I played better in the second game. At one point I led 11-10 and was starting to feel I was really in the match. Then I hit my next serve out and the moment was gone. Four points later, I was 2-0 down. In the 3rd game, Alastair unleashed his full arsenal of old man squash. I had no answer to this and was left baffled, bamboozled, befuddled and badly beaten. Final score was 15-9 15-11 15-4. But it’ll be very different come March 11th!

    Alastair Brash (sponsored by Kelvin Financial Planning) played at number five against David Wilson (sponsored by Kelvin Financial Planning). If I’d been a better teammate I’d have watched this match but instead I watched the 1st team’s Craig Valente-Wallace (sponsored by Kelvin Financial Planning) being dismantled by Greg Lobban of Newlands (not sponsored by Kelvin Financial Planning). It’s not every week that you get to see the world number 63 playing at your club! I returned to find a frustrated Alastair on the verge of defeat. He shouldn’t be too upset, though. These 3rd team guys are better than they look. The result was 15-9 15-10 15-10 to David. But it’ll be very different come March 11th!

    The final two matches were played simultaneously so I saw bits of each. Raymond Gauhl played David Mazzucco (sponsored by Kelvin Financial Planning) at number four. Controversially, Raymond wasn’t wearing his new team shirt. This may have just been the latest in a long list of wardrobe malfunctions on Raymond’s part. On the other hand, perhaps he was making a principled stand against the increasing commercialisation of sport! He wasn’t saying. On the court, Raymond didn’t fare any better than the rest of us. Dave, not content with masterminding the defeat of Gauhl junior, comfortably defeated Gauhl senior, 15-9 15-3 15-8. But it’ll be different come March 11th. Raymond will probably have been dropped by then if he continues all this anti-capitalist posturing.

    Iain Monaghan (sponsored by Kelvin Financial Planning) played Iain Beveridge (sponsored by Kelvin Financial Planning) at number one. Iain M probably wasn’t at his best but it has to be said that Iain B played superbly. In a surprisingly one-sided match, he won 15-5 15-1 15-6. But it’ll be different come March 11th!

    The Final score was 18-2 to the 3rd team and it was well deserved. But they’d better enjoy their success while they can. The 4th team will learn from this experience and come back stronger than ever. The post-match curry won’t taste quite so sweet for the 3rd team on March 11th. I guarantee it!

    Next week we’ll take a look at how Kelvin Financial Planning can help with all your investment, tax, pension and mortgage requirements. And we might even mention the 4th team’s match against SSRC 5.

  40. January 13, 2015 at 3:32 pm

    Wednesday 17th December 2014 – 1st Team
    Well the 2 strongest teams of Division 1 clashed tonight, as last against 2nd last met up to prove who could hold-up the whole of Division 1.
    You may be fearing the worst for us as this report is late, but don’t be deceived we had a great match up against Hamilton 2 and it could have gone either way, but they made the mistake of not bringing a mascot! (and our Kelvin FP shirts were better than theirs!).
    Also the unbelievable happened last Saturday (on the night of the Christmas outing) and Doug beat me in a match (albeit 12-10 in the last game) so he was No.2 tonight (although he was 2 hours late for work on the Sunday – lightweight youngster!).
    Dave & Elvi Craig (dad & mascot/daughter) turned up first and their opponent was Keith Martin from Hamilton. Dave is actually warming up on a regular basis these days and winning 1st games as well! Same tonight 1st game secured. And you’ll never believe this but he won the 2nd as well. I know what you’re thinking let’s fast forward to the 5th! Wrong! No one could believe it Dave won 3-0 (didn’t let Keith in once). Can’t really give you a report this week as Elvi kept me busy walking all over the club pointing at random people and shouting “Daddy” and there was nothing to read in the Elvi bag either (note to Dave’s missus – more books please). At one point Doug saw Elvi & I on the ‘wire and movable beads table’ and just said “You’re enjoying that more than her!
    Next on was Michael Jackson (hee-hee!) against Gregor Braidwood and I went on at the same time so can’t really tell you about this one much either. However Michael Jackson obviously did ‘Wanna be Startin somethin’” and after the loss of the 1st game (9-11) he did. The tables turned dramatically as he won the next 3 – he obviously thought when chasing all of Gregor’s shots I’ve “Got To Be There”!!
    As I say I was on next at No.3 against Calum Phillip and another great tussle and always a 3-2 to be had between us. Reading Calum’s game is incredibly difficult as you don’t really know where the ball is going – and it goes there really quickly!! On top of that it was the battle of the least fit tonight. I was knackered from a 1500 mile 3 day trip and Calum had the cold! I didn’t even see the ball in the first, but by 2-2 was beginning to read some shots!
    Just then a 4th team player (Raymond) came up to me between games and said “Don’t you dare lose this by doing what you always tell us not to!” well that was a bit of a wake-up call and was probably what motivated me to win the 5th 11-6. To be fair Calum was fading fast, but a win’s a win!
    Craig (Valentie-Wallace) was up against Kenny Boyle tonight at No.1 and no one else would referee it, so I had to take the board!! Both players looked incredulously at me if I gave a decision against them, whilst the other 100% agreed with me (so you know you’re doing a half decent job if that happens) e.g. Me – “Yes let.” Player coming off the court for a ‘chat’ “Why’s that not a stroke?” Me “Because you were fishing for a stroke (with an unreasonable swing) when it was obviously a let.” One player disgusted – the other player delighted! (well marking is a tough and thankless task, but also part of the Wednesday night experience – thankfully no one fell out with anyone).
    A hard fought game between Craig and Kenny at about 8-8 in both of the first two games. But it was Kenny who prevailed in both. To win against Kenny you have to win every rally 3 or 4 times and I thought if Craig could keep the rallies going – with a few soft pace shots to keep him in it at times – he may have a chance. Unfortunately Kenny’s game is great these days and he hit’s a mean length and he’s as relentless as ever. Craig lost a bit of heart toward the end of the match and Kenny ended up winning 3-0, but it could have been much closer than the 3-0 result suggests (however it’s a team game and without Craig we’d have definitely lost the match).
    Last on was the match of the night as Doug (MacMillan) played Grant Grey at No.2. The 1st game exemplified the whole match with a 13-11 tie break and a massive battle of wills. And so to the 5th! The squash was great to watch just for the sheer physical effort – both players were great & fair competitors – physical and determined individuals and up to 7-7 in the 5th you couldn’t get a cigarette paper between them! Then the mother of all disasters for Doug.
    Tin- tin – tin – out!
    10-7 match ball and no where back from there.
    To say Doug was a tad upset would be a massive understatement. The racket learned how to fly and the bag got a kicking. It really hurt him!
    I saw him in the changing room later and he said the immortal lines “Not that I care about squash results anyway!” …..I let it go!
    Only a bloody shandy to drink with dinner! I’ve not ordered a shandy in about 20 years!?!?! (Doug would only drink water!)

  41. January 13, 2015 at 3:32 pm

    Wednesday 17th December 2014 – 2nd Team
    The prospect of an away fixture at Townend fills me with dread. It should be called Worlds End. Still I have been there enough times to know which unlikely turnings I need to take, left along Glebe St, past the convenience store, turn right at the end, and every terrace of housing looks like a bloody squash court with harled exterior and roof arrangement rising at one end.
    When you actually get there, It is a warm and quite nice place, with the feel of an actual squash club, unlike when we have to be off the premises by 10.00 sharp, last orders 9.30! You know the score. It must have improved from my earlier visits when cold pakora would be available sometimes as late as 11.30pm. Good friendly people too, including John Crawford himself.
    I was on court at 7.00pm prompt against a badminton player from Kilmarnock, relatively new to squash. Ended up losing 3-1, but should really have got a bit more out of the game.
    David Ritchie at no 2 was next on and, whilst he played well (as he has all season) he was up against a stronger player, and lost 3-0.
    By now it was 7.30pm, and John Turner was waiting for the no 1, whilst their No’s 3 & 4 were waiting for The Pole Dancer and Neil Ross. I left at 8.00pm, and was just driving down passed Silverburn at 8.28pm when I saw my phone ringing with Neil Ross’ number coming up – lost of course. After a 45 minute period of inactivity the games must have got underway. Luckily both courts were available tonight.
    All I can add is that all the other matches were 3-0 defeats but we were up against league leaders who are strong this time, too strong for Division 4. 18-1 defeat.
    PS – from Neil R – Yes indeed. Meant to text you back. Myself and Piotrek ended up driving up and down the high street for more than half an hour shouting at our sat nav’s. Eventually we found someone in the town that knew that there was a squash court in existence. Might not have bothered. Proper humping all round.
    Graham S

  42. January 13, 2015 at 3:35 pm

    Wednesday 17th December 2014 – 3rd Team

  43. January 13, 2015 at 3:35 pm

    Wednesday 17th December 2014 – 4th Team

  44. January 13, 2015 at 3:36 pm

    Wednesday 7th January 2015 – 1st Team
    Well I’m looking for a positive spin for the match last Wednesday, but really I’m struggling. I was thinking we could get a 3-2 from this tie against Whitecraigs Rugby – and if we played really well we may even win 3-2, however what actually happened was that we all lost and apart from Craig we all got tonked!
    First on was Davie (Craig) and mascot/daughter Elvi – against Nairn McMasters. A real tough one for the big man and I would have been amazed if we’d have won this one. He didn’t! Dave was moving well enough, but Nairn was just too clever and kept Dave at bay for the whole match to win 3-0 (I didn’t see a lot of the match as the mascot kept me busy with her James Bond Aston Martin Match Box car (also Doug looked pretty jealous of her Nike gutties!) – she was obviously on Santa’s ‘Nice’ list at Christmas!)
    Next on was Michael (Jackson) and could he upset the seedings and sneak a victory, well if you’d read the first paragraph then you’ll know the answer to this, however he did get the first team point. This was a battle of left v right and whenever MJ got a good length on the right hand side (Colin’s backhand) he was winning. At 1-1 in games it was looking like it could go either way………….. and it did!?!?! Unfortunately, Colin kept the ball in the back left better that MJ could do on the other side and eventually we lost 3-1. MJ played well however and he’ll gain a lot from this battle.
    Well now it was my turn and Doug Emery was my opponent. Well I was going to show the team how it was done. I’d take the game to Doug and although I expected a hard match (it was 3-2 last time) I was ‘confident’ that I could win. But ‘deluded’ would be a more apt word for me! Doug thrashed me in the 1st – still not to worry a comeback was definitely on the cards, as soon as I got more used to the court. Wrong! Soundly beaten in the 2nd.
    OK volley better, play straighter, rally more and I’ll do this the tough way and win in 5! Crazy FOOL! Doug outplayed me again – all the way up to 10-5 match ball, but not to worry just dig, dig, dig and I’d still be in it! Bemused and disappointed I shook Doug’s hand moments later having been chopped up! Well played Doug – too good for me.
    Next on was Doug (Macmillan) v Harry Anderson. Not sure the Tubey Crawl is the ideal preparation over Christmas, but none the less Doug did beat Harry 3-0 last time so this would be an assured victory for us. What? How can I be so wrong about everything tonight? Doug got a bigger chopping than me (by 1 point) and lost 3-0 (Doug’s own assessment of the game was “I have never in my life felt so horrendous on a squash court and I have never in my life showed so little effort. Lost 3-0 in approximately 7 and a half minutes” – well that’s a bit harsh I’d say!) and on the other side of things Harry was really quick tonight and right up for the challenge.
    Last up was our saving grace this week and although Craig (Valentie-Wallace) would probably tell you that he didn’t rate the game much himself, at 2-0 up he had doubled the team points already. Unfortunately he did lose the match in 5, but it was a hard fought one – although tough to take if you were 2 up.
    Colin from Whitecraigs Rugby club remembered that I was a Veggie and so I got a massive portion of pasta….. lovely! And the chicken curry & nan went down very well with the rest of the squad.
    Onwards and upwards eh?!?!

  45. January 13, 2015 at 3:40 pm

    Wednesday 7th January 2015 – 2nd Team

  46. January 13, 2015 at 3:41 pm

    Wednesday 7th January 2015 – 3rd Team
    Don’t Panic ! Don’t Panic ! – Corporal Jones – Dad’s Army
    The Thirds were up against Broomhill Thirds tonight and after winning away we were confident of a good result at home.
    I arrived to find two games already kicked off. Alastair Baird was playing on the show court against Duncan Lee at 4.
    I only saw a couple of points in the match but while Alastair came off at the end perspiring like a Chippendale at a Hen party ,the scores would indicate a fairly comfortable win . Well done to our injured wrist star Mr Baird (Those teenage years watching red triangle films coming back to you on the wrist front !) Win 3-0 15-10 15-7 15-11
    On court two the Colonel was playing at 1 against Paul Murphy . I watched the first two games and Graham was playing like a Corporal . Anything short and there was plenty, was getting punished. David Wilson marking, had to go the little boys room so I took over. This seemed to coincide with Colonel Mustard reappearing with the dagger in the squash court. Increasingly Graham played better and won 3-2 Win 3-2 12-15 13-15 15-11 15-10 15-7
    Our new boy Alastair Mackenzie proved to be an excellent addition ..that boy will go far . Playing at 2 Alastair demolished Damien Cameron . I saw most of one game which I reckoned took less than 5 minutes (The time incidentally it takes Jason to do the 400 meters) and the old granny was on . Damien played his Omen card and got a couple of pointsfrom the devil . Great squash from Alastair Win 3-0 15-5 15-2 15-6
    David Wilson playing 5 was on court 2 against Steven Murphy . While David sometimes has the speed of the Titanic avoiding the ice berg (Him without sin cast etc !) he was too good for Steven and indeed to be fair a couple of points had them rushing round like the January Sales. A comfortable win. Win 3-0 15-11 15-13 15-6
    I was on last playing 3 against Danny McFadden . While not very good, in fact rank rotten at the start, as Mr Baird kindly confirmed I won fairly comfortably. Even able to indulge in an Uncle Bill shot that worked. Win 3- 0 15-11 15-8 15-7
    Overall 18-2
    I had to dash off so missed most of the chat afterwards. Heard Graham mention with Alastair back the team, minus myself, was now the same line up as the Colonels Carnivores from years back.
    That must have been a formidable outfit in the now defunct West of Scotland Anniesland division Brownie League.
    Don’t Panic Don’t Panic keep on winning and promotion is possible !!
    Iain Bev

  47. January 13, 2015 at 3:42 pm

    Wednesday 7th January 2015 – 4th Team
    We met at Strathclyde University for an early start against the ‘Wanderers’.
    They played only 4 members as their 5th was waiting for a hip operation (the rest of the team had theirs done already!)
    I wasn’t able to play due to injury so was awarded a w/o. I got three points more than I generally get when I’m playing!
    That’s the good news over. Cameron went on first and played against David McPherson (he was one third the average age of the rest of the team and works at the University gym. 15/9, 15/7, 15/6. Cameron was on fire in the first game and took it to 9 all. It really was a joy to watch for a brief moment. From there on in David dominated and that was that.
    Next up was Alastair Brash against Peter Wynne and I marked so missed Donald Pirie against Jim Smith (15/13, 15/7 and 15/11. Donald tried hard, scored well but couldn’t deal with Jim’s experienced play.
    Back to Alastair who yet again played exceptionally well winning the first two games 15/11, 15/12. Unfortunately the next three games went in his opponent’s favour 15/11, 16/14, 15/8. So close to winning in the fourth but again the years of experience showed in Peter’s game.
    Finally, Iain Monaghan went on at number one against Mike Dewar. Great match with some good humour thrown in. Iain won the first 15/10 but ended up with a 3/1 loss despite his best efforts.
    Overall we lost 15/6.
    The food, drink and chat was great at the ‘arc’ nearby. Really nice nachos and chips despite the fact that they weren’t expecting us due to an alleged ‘lost email’ from the ‘Wanderers’

  48. January 23, 2015 at 12:48 am

    Wednesday 14th January 2015 – 1st Team
    4 out of the 5 matches went to 3-2! And the Match was also 3-2 as Giffnock 2 came visiting with the young guns last Wednesday. It was a cracker!

    First on was David ‘and so to the 5th’ Craig. And so to the 5th! Mark Coyle (the youngster) got a good lead in the 5th and Dave just couldn’t get his nose back in front. Great game though. (Loss 3-1. Two all in the match)

    Next on was Doug (Macmillan) v Mikey Rodgerson. And so to the 5th – Doug (the youngster) is fast becoming king of the 5 setters and he wrestled another win this week with some determined squash. (Win 3-2. One all in the match)

    I went on next against Patrick O’Sullivan – and so to the 5th. It was close at 8-9 but Patrick (the youngster) did just enough to hold on. I can’t say I was in the best of spirits after that one, but I got a good joke e-mailed to me just at that time which cheered me up a little bit! (Loss 3-2. Two-1 down in the match)

    “A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

    She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.

    Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.

    The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down;. The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?”

    The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Tuesday and Friday, but on the other days I play squsah.”

    Next on (and back from injury) was Colin (Clark) against Jonathan Brady. And so to the 4th! Jonathan (the youngster) played lots of great squash, but also lots of mistakes and Colin was able to hold on long enough for the mistakes to take over. (Win 3-1. Two all in the match)

    Last up was Craig (Valente Wallace) against Stuart Pitt. And so to the 5th! A real tussle and the match went to 10-10. Craig and stu (both youngster) gave it everything on the night, but Stuart just squeezed home. (Loss 3-2. Two-three down in the match!)

    We got 12 points though. Infact the score of the games on the night was 12-12, but Giffnock got the bonus points to take home.

    Tough to take!

  49. January 23, 2015 at 12:48 am

    Wednesday 14th January 2014 – 2nd Team

  50. January 23, 2015 at 12:48 am

    Wednesday 14th January 2015 – 3rd Team
    “I Just had 19 shots of Whiskey I think that’s a record “
    Last Words – Dylan Thomas
    The thirds visited that cauldron of West Squash, Newlands, last Wednesday and to have any continuing faint hopes of promotion we had to win.
    Newland have, like the Yes campaign in the referendum ,with a range from Grannies for Yes to left handed Mondeo owners for Yes, a multitude of teams.
    We had managed to avoid the Newlands Traffic Warden Squash team or the Newlands we wish we lived over the river Squash Team but instead were up against
    “The Young Team” Newlands 8. I feared our only hope was a Whisky chasing record challenge as most of their team from the first match ,were I recalled, still on smoothies.
    The endless teams meant we only had one court so we all had to endure or delight in watching every match.
    First up for us was the Colonel ,Graham Sanders, playing at 1 against young Orla’s Dad Simon Young. More of Orla later but her Dad was pretty good as well and from
    the warm up I feared for Graham. However Graham played on the whole excellent squash and was in the match from first to last.
    One dubious call against him in particular seemed to inspire the Colonel and all games were nip and tuck. Ultimately he came down on the wrong side but great game
    and good squash to watch.
    Loss 2-3 15-13 13-15 10-15 15-8 11-15
    Next up was Neil Ross at 4 against one of the youngsters Cameron Moss . Neil as Alistair Mackenzie remarked played an excellent game against a good opponent. He
    gradually forced Cameron into more and more errors as he kept hitting the corners. A win duly came .
    Win 3-1 16-14 12-15 15-11 15-9
    David Wilson at 5 was then on court against the unbeaten slip of girl Orla Young . David having been beaten in the home game was out for revenge …he lost.
    Orla just about got everything and certainly in the initial game and a half I have also seen David play a lot better. He improved but Orla with a range of drops was just too focussed.
    Loss 0-3 4-15 10-15 8-15
    I was then on at three against Callum Bruce . I played in patches pretty good other patches not so good. Fortunately the good patches were more prevalent .
    Win 3-1 15-9 10-15 15-8 15-8
    This left Alastair against Frank Logie at 2 playing the decider . This left all on tender hooks … except Orla who had went home to finish her homework. Now I had this as a
    banker having watched Alastair play the previous week. What do I know as he proceeded to play a stinker of a first game all wafting like a butterfly collector.
    At the start of the second he realised he was a man and loved Yorkies and Pints and began to hit the ball. A 15- 0 demolition ensued and victory followed soon after.
    Win 3-1 12-15 15-0 15-8 15-5
    Overall Win 14-9
    Pizza was well appreciated after and thoughts now of the next game against runaway leaders Scotstoun 1 occupied us, as we downed our fifth whisky.

  51. January 23, 2015 at 12:49 am

    Wednesday 14th January 2014 – 4th Team

  52. February 2, 2015 at 10:39 am

    Wednesday 21st January 2015 – 1st Team
    Well here comes the Strathgryffe return – hold on we only got 4 points off of them in the 1st half – tough night ahead me thinks!

    First on was David (Craig) and as ever he had Elvi, the mascot, in tow. I think this wee girl has seen more squash than her mother ever has – and that’s in her first 2 years! And she’s probably been on court more as well! Honestly you can’t keep her off in-between games and I’m usually the one doing the fetching as the opposition player wonders why a munchkin has got hold of his racket! This week’s bemused opponent was Ross Lawrie (Vogue fashion guru!) – but undaunted Ross strolled the 1st two games. However it was looking like our first team point was secured in the 3rd as Dave was game ball up, but Ross wrestled victory from the jaws of defeat to win 3-0
    Next on was Colin (Clarke) against Scott (Dilbert) Adams. Now Scott has got a bit of a forehand on him (leftie). So don’t put it there Col! It was a bit of a ding dong, but Col was doing most of the donging at the crucial times, because although all of the games were really close (with 3 tie-breaks) Scott won this 3-1. Still a team point towards the good ship DLWE!

    Next on was me against Jase Lang. Now talking of ding dongs, we’ve had a couple in our last encounters! Jase (L) is more than half my age, fitter and better at every shot on the court – except one! So the whole game is spent with me trying to only play one shot! I’m sure Jase is fed up playing me, but there you have it – I’m not here to lie down and so when I had match ball in the 4th game I thought this was a great opportunity! However Jase wrestled the match back with some great retrieving; and I couldn’t help but think that if he’s capable of doing that for a few points, then if he did it on every point I wouldn’t have got any games. He stepped it up in the 5th and I hit a few too many in the tin, but ‘you live by the sword and you die by the sword’, so ho-hum. I gave it my all and I know that because the next day I could feel the injuries! Loss 3-2

    Doug (Macmillan) took to the court next against James Dare and it’s fair to say that James gave it his all tonight, just like I did – and tonight this was enough. James took a storming lead by winning the 1st two games – and with those in the bank, he was never going to be easy to beat. Doug got back to 2-2 with a great 13-11 win in the 4th, but in the 5th James had saved just enough. He won 7-11 to take the match 2-3.

    Last up was Craig (Valentie Wallace) against Martin Woods at No.1. I went for a quick shower and was amazed to hear it was all over in the blink of an eye! Craig came into the changing room looking slightly bemused, as he’s won 3-0. The first was a tough one by all reports and Craig won it 11-8, but with an 11-1 in the 2nd it wasn’t all together surprising to hear that Martin retired in the 3rd. Still a win against your coach is a great thing and so Craig got to drive Martin home with tonight’s bragging rights!

    So 8 points is double our tally last time so onward and upwards! Hopefully!
    Soup, sandwiches & pizza – with a bottle of Kelburn – finished the night off a treat!

  53. February 2, 2015 at 10:40 am

    Wednesday 21st January 2014 – 2nd Team
    to follow

  54. February 2, 2015 at 10:41 am

    Wednesday 21st January 2014 – 3rd Team
    to follow

  55. February 2, 2015 at 10:41 am

    Wednesday 21st January 2015 – 4th Team
    Match Report DLWE 4 v Broomhill 3 – 21/01/15

    Alastair, Cameron and myself travelled together and turned up sharp ready to play our best. Ewan and Mark came separately so missed out on my highly motivational team talk prior to this particular event. Both Alastair and Cameron said my team talk was rubbish.

    I played at No.5 as a stand-in with a serious left shoulder injury. I normally play right-handed although ones as bad as the other. I was on first (not that I wanted to be as my dinner hadn’t yet got passed my throat). My opponent (Stephen Murphy) stressed that he was in a hurry so I felt obliged to help him leave early, and that’s exactly what I did!!!! First game was uncomfortable and he won 15/13. Second game was more uncomfortable and he won 15/9. Third game was just about as bad as it could get and I conceded at 8/4 down. I came to play squash, not to get involved in a heated argument!! Nuff said.

    Ewan Macandie was on at 4 against Ian Millar, missed this myself but Ewan played well despite losing 3-0. 14/16, 12/15 and 11/15. So close in every game. Well done Ewan!

    Alastair Brash played at 3 against Duncan Lee. The match was full of frustration for Alastair, Duncan was like an octopus on speed, a little untidy but highly effective. Alastair is normally so much better and usually paces himself evenly throughout a match. However tonight it was as though he couldn’t get done quick enough as he barely allowed the ball to bounce taking almost everything in the air. Lost 2/15, 9/15 and 9/15.

    Mark Steven played at 2 against Danny McFadden. He went down 3-1 but still put up a good fight. In my opinion, Mark moves around the court really well, plays with some degree of authority, reaches some tough drives from his opponent, hits some spectacular shots himself, looks a bit weird playing in pyjama bottoms yet still comes second more often than he should. 6/15, 15/13, 12/15 and 7/15.

    Finally, Cameron Gauhl at No.1 against Damien Cameron. A 3-0 win for us and well deserved. Cameron never really looked in trouble apart from the business end of the 3rd when he squeezed through at 18/16. Games 1 and 2 were 15/5 and 15/13 respectively. Cameron is everything he should be on the court for someone so young and inexperienced. When he puts his mind to it he can really play the game well. The result tonight came from intense concentration, focus and ‘proper squash’. It had to be as Damien was a formidable opponent. Quite clearly, the coaching Cameron has received at the club over the past 2 years has brought him on extremely well.

    Food – I put in a polite complaint to the manager. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t pay for that!!!


  56. February 5, 2015 at 9:41 am

    Wednesday 28th January 2015 – 1st Team
    Newlands 2 tonight and certainly a chance to pick up a few points, maybe even sneak a win if we were really lucky/good/fortunate/on top of our games & lucky!
    I got on first this week (as the mascot didn’t make it along) and I played Brendan Rogers at No.2. I’d lost the last one against Brendan 3-1 so it was gonna be tough, but when I won the first 2 games it was looking much more likely. However a great comeback from Brendan saw the match tied at 2-2 and so to the 5th! Well at this point I remembered to try and step up and dominate the ‘T’ as much as possible and what do you know it worked! I won the 5th and the match…….silky!
    Doug (Macmillan) went on shortly after me against Mic Cockburn and was just finishing his match off when I came off court. He’d won 3-0 but didn’t look overly delighted with his performance, but a win’s a win and Mic hits a ferocious ball at times.
    So we only needed one more tie for the match, but that’s easier said than done!
    Next on was David (Craig) against David Fallis – they had also played in the 1st half and Newlands Dave had won this 3-0!
    So DLWE David resorted to his ‘old school’ tactics this week by losing the first 2 games (and a match ball in the 3rd game!) and thus lulling his opponent into a false sense of security, only to run-riot in the next two game and tie things up. And so to the 5th! – and at 14-14 in the 5th both David’s had their chances. Unfortunately Newlands David dove-over the line and so the match was still on for both teams.
    At No.5 a much improved Andrew Morris (Newlands) played our Colin (Clark) and he ran riot in this one. Colin actually played quite well, but couldn’t really get near Andrew in the first two games. He played even better in the 3rd and even created a chance to sneak a team point, with some great length, but Andrew held on to win 11-9 and take the match 3-0
    So at 2-2 in the match the No.1s went on court – Craig (Valente-Wallace) v Mark Ford. And this would be the 2nd time in two days that they have played – National League last night, where Mark had won, but could Craig turn it round? Well the short answer was 3-0 to Mark, but it was a tougher game than 3-0 may suggest. It was also tougher than Craig may realise; it included a tie break in the 3rd and Mark had to work hard for the win, with Craig having the speed and tenacity to push many of the rallies. It would have been interesting to see a 4th game if Craig had won that tie-break – and ask the question could Mark keep the pace up for another 10/15 minutes! But we’ll never know the answer to that (until the next time!)
    So a tantalising 3-2, but on the plus side 8 more points to the cause!

  57. February 5, 2015 at 9:42 am

    Wednesday 28th January 2015 – 2nd Team
    DLWE V Western LTC
    This was a big week for the 2’s with Western visiting, it also provided a chance for revenge after Western took the first fixture 15-3… it is still raw! Western are in a promotion spot and we are a few places off so this would be a good indicator of whether we have what it takes to work our way up towards promotion places, over the remainder of the season.
    1st up (playing 5th string) was Colonel Graham Sanders, prompt as always. He was always going to have a difficult task as his opponent Danny Norris had won 9 from 11 so far this season. I managed to watch some of the game and Danny hit a clean ball and for the first game had Graham on the run. Both players worked the ball into the corners well but Danny had a very effective short kill which Graham found difficult to retrieve, being stuck to the back wall like a picture frame. By the end of the 2nd game Graham was two down, however, rather than being down he winked and told me he was going to get into Danny’s head. I watched with interest as Graham did some kind of Paul McKenna ‘physobabble’… it worked! Sanders took the third!! Sadly, the spell wore off and we lost the 4th. 3-1 Western but a point in the bag… Well Done Colonel for using ‘black ops’ when they were called for!
    Next up (playing 4th string) was every airport security guards nightmare, Mr Jason Grinton. As many of you will know Jason had a major hip operation about 5 minutes ago and has bravely answered the call to play for the team this week. I am sure I speak for everyone in the team and at the club to say how pleased (and surprised!) we all are to see Jason cutting the ball into the corners. Hopefully this overeager return to form will not result in an NHS consultant having to cut back into his hip due to lack of recovery time!! I didn’t have much chance to watch this game from what I understand, Jason’s opponent, Mr Mart Picken was a very competent player and was also very mobile. He was on a 4 game winning streak running into this match and sadly that continued tonight as Jason had to retire injured in the 3rd game… not before he took a game from Mark to secure another point for DLWE 2’s. At the cold pasta session that followed Jason has promised to be back in 3 weeks and intends to see out the remainder of the season… happy days& welcome back! (Cumulative score 6-2 Western)
    Playing in 2nd place and our third game of the night was yours truly, MJ. Now. Unlike the 1sts regular match report, this match report is a Michael Jackson‘Joke free zone’, I just don’t like the way you make me feel. I was playing Mr Gavin Dillon. Gavin has had a good run this year having only lost 1 in 13 games. He kept trying to remind me before the game that we had played before and I kept trying to tell him that he was mistaken… truth is, I knew we had played before, I think it was my first league game 3 years ago and he took me out by the root – but I wasn’t going to let on I knew this! The game was long, full of errors, lots of luck and ultimately I came through 3-2… having won the first 2 with a match point I then proceeded to lose the next two games and question whether I really should have given up badminton… thankfully a word from our standard bearer (Joe MacDonald) to the tune of “hit your drops shorter and everything else a bit tighter” before the 5th was enough to get the brain working. Gavin is a good sport which showed given the number of lucky nicks and frame shots I hit. (Cumulative score 8-5 Western)
    Next up Dr Dave Ritchie, playing 3rd String. Now Dave is our team Captain and takes his responsibilities very seriously. I often worry that there are untended patients lying about on a Wednesday night when Dave comes to play because rail, hail or snow you can guarantee that Dave will be there by 8.30pm. Again, didn’t get a chance to see much of this one as I was on the other court getting maximum value for money from my game. However, Dave set about his match with the vigour of a butcher’s dug. His opponent’s head was spinning as Dave moved him from side to side. I think Dave’s opponent was also dabbling in the physobabble because he chose to wear a sleeveless top and a bandana… “it’s squash pal, not a Skid Row concert!” (Google it Dougie) In any event, Dave brought home the bacon 3-1 and the dream was starting to become a reality! Well played Dave! (Cumulative Score 9-8 Western)
    Last on was Mr Joe MacDonald up against Mr Paul Whitely, with referee Gavin Dillon. Paul hits a clean ball but having looked at his results, he has had a more difficult time of it this season than his team mates, with a 40% success rate from his 10 games (that win rate would look good in our firsts but let’s not get into inter team banter). Joe on the other hand is in great form for the team having not dropped a game, never mind a match in 2015. This was to be a tense decider… for the referee. Joe gave Paul the run around in the first game to take home a commanding 15-8 win, at this stage we were all square in the match. Joe was looking good and the rest of the 2’s were nodding knowingly (and gratefully) to each other that our guy had the upper hand in this one. Joe hits such a well weighted ball that he could be accused of being slightly masochistic in his play. You always feel like you can just reach the ball, only to look like a complete turkey… thankfully for us, Paul didn’t chase too much so avoided the latter! The referee took a bit of abuse from his own guy in this match, however, it give all (including his own team) a good laugh and it all finished up with a 3-0 win to Joe (15-6 + 15-5 in the 2nd and 3rd).
    Final score 11 – 9… 3 bonus points for the winners. 14-9 Result DLWE Win.
    Evening rounded off with pasta bake, £8.30 left in the kitty for the next match and the sweet taste of revenge!

  58. February 5, 2015 at 9:42 am

    Wednesday 28th January 2015 – 3rd Team
    “If you want the Rainbow you gotta put up with the rain “
    Yon know what Philosopher said that, Dolly Parton, and people
    say she is just a big pair of tits.
    David Brent – The Office
    On Wednesday to have any realistic hope of promotion we had to turnover Allander 2, so did the rainbow shine or were
    we a big bunch of …s.
    Our team fought through the arctic conditions and had the luck to play on two courts that were free. This meant however I failed to see
    all the games which was maybe just as well.
    First on was our number 1 Alastair Mackenzie against Ken Findlay. Alastair ‘ might be just down from Skye and kinda shy’ but he
    has been round the block a few times and is a streetwise fighter. It was no surprise then to see against a good opponent
    Alastair going to the wire. As he himself said with a recent cold he is not quite back to full fitness and maybe that told in the end.
    However he did have two match points and will feel it was one that got away . I felt already an unravelling of our winning plan
    Loss 2-3 13-15 15-7 15-12 8-15 14-16
    Meanwhile David Wilson at 5 was playing John Millar . David started slowly in fact any comparisons with Usian Bolt would
    be meaningless. As a result he was quickly 2 down and then the oxygen started to flow and a comeback was on. It was
    not to be and in a tight third he was edged out . The rainbow was even further away.
    Loss 0-3 6-15 7-15 14-16
    At least I thought, myself on next at 2 against Donny Kneale could start the comeback. I felt confident and fit.
    Then the match started ! First game bad but tight ( Note for David Mazz’s enjoyment 14-14 served out ). What
    happened to me in the second and third not sure but it did not involve playing a game called squash. The rainbow now
    a tropical storm
    Loss 0-3 14-16 7-15 4-15
    Luke playing at 3 against Kevin Reilly (Yes the old warrior was there) was on at the same time as myself so only saw the end
    of the match. Luke played by all accounts pretty well and there was a good comparison between the runner and the hitter..
    I will let you think which was which . Anyway in a tight match the rainbow coalition lost but a good effort
    Loss 2-3 16-14 13-15 13-15 15-5 13-15
    Last on was Neil Ross at 4 against Hamish McKay. It was a good match and I felt as the match went on Neil would go on
    to win it. Hamish looked dead on his feet at times and Neil generally won any long rallies .It was not to be and Hamish
    capitalized on too many unenforced errors. I know the feeling Neil.
    Loss 1-3 14-16 8-15 15-13 10-15
    Because of the snow ,we all shot off for home missing out on the burger and chips offered at Macdonalds.
    Allander nice guys and it was good to see Kevin Reilly still calling for dodgy lets.
    Overall a disappointing night . I thought we had a pretty strong team and apart from myself all played well at times.
    The thirds are left in Kansa and the Rainbow is somewhere else
    As a postscript my night was summed up by failing to get up the hill skidding and sliding on the switchback ,
    and having to drive basically an extra 30 minutes via Maryhill . German Engineering .

  59. February 5, 2015 at 9:42 am

    Wednesday 28th January 2015 – 4th Team
    Unfamiliar Territory – not the venue, it was the outcome! Alastair dropped me off at the Royal as I was due to undergo an MRI scan at 6.45. It was so relaxing, and as I was asked to keep still for 20 minutes, despite the noise, I slept for the duration.
    I was dealt with promptly which allowed me to walk along Cathedral Street and arrive at Strathclyde Uni in time to see Donald Pirie (looking the worst for wear) win the final two points against Gavin Kydd to take the match 3-2. His final serve from left to right at match point was a non-returnable! I was informed that he lost the first two games, you could see in his face the effort he must have put in to win the next three. 15/5, 15/10, 12/15, 2/15 and 11/15. Already we’re 1 up and we’ve still 4 to go! Great start Donald.
    Alastair Brash went on next against Marco. Alastair just got it together from the start. His play was calm, organised and more importantly, directed towards the back of the court. However, he still managed to gain many points with his regular use of lazy drop shots! great when they work though.15/10,15/9 and 15/5. The scores speak for themselves, Alastair was in charge and he loved it!
    Gareth Rees was playing on the next court against Muhid. 15/1, 15/11, 15/12. Gareth played a powerful match hitting the ball well and long for the most part. Another comfortable win taking us deeper into unfamiliar territory. How much deeper can we go?
    Cameron Gauhl was well fired up before his match, I think because I hadn’t given him any advice. He was confident in his own ability from the start! Scott Grant is a good player. He hits the ball hard into the corners both left and right. Cameron dealt with it using great movement around the court and went all out to return everything. Often he looked beat during a point but more often than not, was able to turn it to his advantage and play a winning stroke. Watching Cameron when he’s not trying is painful for me, but in this match, he really did try. As I said, Scott is a good player but Cameron wanted it more on the night. 15/10, 15/10 and 15/9.
    Finally, now that we are so far in to unfamiliar territory, Iain Monaghan goes on court looking like he hasn’t a care in the world. His four team mates have all won and he’s on next, the pressure would see many a good man crumble. Iain was on against Iain Lindsay so he called himself ‘snoops’ to avoid any confusion. No, I didn’t ask! The match was fairly even and another one where the winner was the one who wanted it more on the night. That was our Iain and it’s fair to say he deserved it. Despite his apparent calmness there was a real desire to win and it showed more in the final game. Iain was 10/4 up and lost the next 5 points. I saw a change in Ian’s play that said he didn’t want to be the only one who lost on the night and he came good in the end. Another long match taking us as far into unfamiliar territory as we’ve ever been. 15/8, 6/15, 15/17, 15/12 and 12/15. Well done Iain and the rest of the team on a successful ‘win’ night.
    We gathered in Bar Home, Albion Street. The banter was good with the students, they are always great to chat with. Nice venue, food was excellent. Two of the opposing team went away after the match as did Gareth, Ian and Donald. This was a great opportunity for me to delve in as a non-player and I didn’t feel in the least bit guilty!!! Raymond

  60. February 6, 2015 at 2:39 pm

    Wednesday 4th February 2015 – 1st Team

  61. February 6, 2015 at 2:39 pm

    Wednesday 4th February 2015 – 2nd Team
    Match Report
    Giffnock 5 vs DLWE 2
    Correspondent – Michael Jackson
    This week’s report is an abridged version as your correspondent in the field is in the huff. Not one player has read the report from last week and I have a television to shout at!
    1st up was Mr John Turner, he was missing last week as he had dinner, or needed to wash his hair or something. This week he cut straight to the point and deposited 3 points to the away team. Not a scrap of foodhope was spared as the home took nil points. 0-3 DLWE – Well played John!
    2nd up at roughly the same time was Joe ‘the masochist’ MacDonald (you will need to read last week’s report Joe) and he was also in no mood for niceties. Joe was playing Jon Cota and it was close in the first. Joe seemed to be distracted by some awful calls from the referee (me) but managed to push on through to win the first. Jon feel apart after that and I suspect he played well below his usual standard. 3-0 Joe (Cumulative 0-6 DLWE)
    3rd up was MJ and I had to play the youngest member of the Giffnock team, Daniel O’Sullivan. It was a fun game and I think I enjoyed it a bit more than Daniel. That’s often the case when you win or lose and you guessed it, Michael (this one bullies kiddies) Jackson came through 1-3 winner. I’m not going to mention the point dropped other than to say I went easy on the kid! (Cumulative 1-9 DLWE)
    At the same time was Dave Ritchie playing on Court 1. I didn’t see any of this but as I look at the score card for some inspiration I can tell that Dave was in good form tonight only dropping 18 points across 3 games. Dave (Captain Dave to members of the 2nds) is loving his squash at the moment and every week we all look forward to some enthusiastic call to arms before the game. I had to rush off tonight as I have an early start in the morning but can imagine Dave working out the league tables over the lovely lasagne (served by a tall lady from the former Eastern Bloc) at Giffnock – “I know Dave – We can do it!!”
    Talking about Eastern Bloc, next on was Piotr and he looked like he was ready to follow the rest of the boys to a win. Unknown to all of us, Piotr was playing the squash equivalent of Obi Wan Kenobi (from the original Star Wars – not that Scottish Gimp) aka Ed Swan. Ed is essentially an inspiration to all folk who travel for free on the bus as he skipped around the court and boasted Piotr into a state of disarray. At one point Piotr must have thought his frame was much slighter than it actually is because he seemed to imply to the referee that Obi Wan should have lobbed the ball over him, rather than claim a stroke – We all laughed, Piotr didn’t  Unfortunately a 3-0 lose for us but with a final team score of 4-15 (including bonus) we’ll not dwell on it.
    Next week a crucial match away to Hamilton so attendance is compulsory! (no injuries from the 1st team either please)

  62. February 6, 2015 at 2:40 pm

    Wednesday 4th February 2015 – 3rd Team

  63. February 6, 2015 at 2:40 pm

    Wednesday 4th February 2015 – 4th Team
    A fired up team arrived at the club looking fresh and full of enthusiasm following the win against Strathclyde Uni 3 last week. Team Scotstoun arrived with the usual look of determination and we were intimidated from the word go despite being on home soil. I couldn’t help noticing that there were 3 players on their team that I had come up against in the past, all of whom had beaten me 3-0 (surprise, surprise)!
    In my mind I had lots of ‘words of advice’ regarding what was ahead. I decided to say little as I’ve proved in the past that I’m not much help.
    Azmat Sadozye playing at 5 came up against Paul Wynne. They met the last time and the outcome was the same, 0-3. Azmat struggled to keep up in the first 2 games although he was getting to grips with Paul’s style of play by the third. I said to Azmat that given more time he could have conquered as his performance in the third made it look possible that he could have turned the match around. As we all know, the third is the hardest to win when you’re 2 up. It wasn’t to be. 5/15, 6/15 and 11/15.
    Alastair Brash was up next against Graeme Gemmell and a very similar performance ensued resulting in a 3-0 defeat. Alastair is still a much improved player, and he knows (just like the rest of us) what he needs to do to get the better of his opponent. I’m going to tell him he looks like he’s playing drafts on a chess board and hope he understands! 7/15, 6/15 and 10/15.
    Jonny McDonald continued the theme by loosing 3-0 to my namesake Raymond (Brown) a really nice fella that gave me a right run-around when I was at his mercy some time ago. Jonny proved a much worthier opponent for Raymond and made all 3 games close. 16/14, 15/11 and 15/12.
    Cameron Gauhl was given a little advice from me before he went on against Stewart Henderson. I told him that when I played him he beat me convincingly and he is on the court to get the job done. A focused and experienced player at this level, Stewart did what he does well and came as close as you can to winning without winning. Cameron occasionally brings a certain element of wonder to the game he plays, against Stewart, he gave his best because he had to in order to get the better of him. Some really good rally’s and some really good squash. I would say that Cameron won through on strength, speed and fitness, the three things that I was lacking in my encounter against this player. Cameron won 17/15, 15/11 and 17/15.
    Luke Steven played at No.1 against Abid Ali and it was a touch uncomfortable to watch. The walls and the glass absorbed a lot of Luke’s frustration. Most of it unnecessary in my opinion, if Luke channelled all his energy into the game the outcome would be different for sure. He has shown that he can play a decent game when I’ve watched him before, but tonight, in fairness, he was over powered by a much better player. I would defend Luke and say that Abid played in such a way that I also would have felt a little intimidated. His command of the ‘T’ and every square inch within a four foot radius meant that Luke had no option but to run square circles round him in order NOT to reach the ball (if you see what I mean)!!! He served, in particular from the left with so much acceleration that his foot was rarely in the box when he struck the ball and overshot the ‘T’. When this was repeated on the serve from the right, Luke rarely had more than a couple of feet width to direct the ball to the front wall. We all have our own style and neither Luke or myself have any great qualms about the way the match went, it just seemed fair to mention!
    As a team (myself included when fit) we need to be more forthright in raising our hand when our play is impeded by our opponents. I have to admit that I struggle with it and I see it ‘not happening’ regularly with my team mates. When the scores are as close as they sometimes, rarely, not very often are, it could mean the difference between winning and loosing!!!!
    Anyway, we got a beating and they are truly all really nice guys from Scotstoun.
    Food was of the usual standard, just different!

  64. February 16, 2015 at 11:20 am

    Wednesday 11th February 2015 – 1st Teams
    Last Wednesday the 1st team played SSRC and we’d heard it through the grapevine that the SSRC superstars from Edinburgh were not available (due to tournaments and girlfriends) so could this be our chance to put a few points on the board for the team the club and our ‘Kelvin Financial Planning’ Sponsor! Oh yes!

    First on with the early start was David Craig. This week he brought the whole family, so my mascot minding duties were limited. Dave played Rahul Gupta at No.4 and went on court like a coiled………banana! Yup the usual 0-1 start from the big man, mind you he was soon up 10-3 in the 2nd game and obviously wasn’t going to lose this one? You’d think! Well Dave tried his hardest to lose it, as Rahul came back to 10-9, but Dave obviously had it all in control and won the next point (I slapped him with a wet fish when he came off court!).

    The next two were hard fought but Dave was always in control with and won the match; taking none of the 10 (or so) strokes on offer, although Rauhl was looking for a few strokes that weren’t even lets!

    (3-1 DLWE)

    On at the same time was Dougie (MacMillan) against Dave McCormick (at No.2). The two players know each other well and big Robert (Dougies old man) joined in the fun by marking the match. I didn’t see the match, but Doug seemed to stroll the first two games, then it became more interesting in the 3rd at 10-9 to Dave (and 12-12!). However Doug wrestled victory from the jaws of defeat and won 3-0 (it didn’t stop Dave claiming the moral victory for almost taking a game though!).

    (6-1 DLWE)

    Colin (Clark) went on next against Martin Sullivan (at No.5) and when he was safely 2-0 up I knew he would bring the match home so I went on court myself about then.

    I was on against Chris Holt who I’d had a few tussles with over the years. And I wasn’t helped by not feeling 100%: the racket felt like I was playing with a tennis bat. Still I was moving OK and won the 1st by volleying well – having said that I lost the 2nd by not volleying. So it was good to get some sound advice from Doug after the 2nd “Volley more you idiot!” The legs were feeling heavy as well, but I managed to keep the advise in mind and won the match 3-1.

    So we must be 4-0 up in the match, no? NO?!?! Colin was in the 5th game against Martin and at 8-8 it could have gone either way. Fortunately Colin got the last 3 points and won 3-2. Colin claimed he was just looking for value for money for the night!

    (12-4 DLWE)

    Last on was Craig (Valentie-Wallace) against Brian Robertson at No.1. Brian came off after the 1st saying “I hate playing guys who get absolutely everything back!” and he was looking suitably red-in-the-face as he said it – having just lost 11-8. However when Brian won the 2nd game he came off and said “I hate playing guys who get absolutely everything back!!”.

    Craig had let him in the 2nd by not playing with 100% intensity, but this was the last chance he gave Brian as he made fewer mistakes after that and won the next 2 much more comfortably.

    So a win! And our first of the second half! It’s good to win – event the dinner tastes better!

    (18-5 DLWE)

  65. February 16, 2015 at 11:20 am

    Wednesday 11th February 2015 – 2nd Team
    Hamilton (3) vs DLWE (2)
    Correspondent – M Jackson
    With only 1 point separating the two teams on the overall league table, this had close match written all over it. Your correspondent had never had the pleasure of visiting the sauna squash courts at Hamilton and this produced the usual pantomime between me and the sat nav. I’m glad to report there was a happy ending!
    On court 1st was Dr Dave, playing in 4th position, with a banana in hand. Dave was playing Kevin who had the potential to cause a few slip ups (peaked right there!). In addition to being a tricky player, Kevin also had the honour of being coached from the back of the court by local squash legend, Mr Peter O’Hara (fresh off the court from making a squash ball do a bouncy ball impression). Now you are probably thinking that Dr Dave was going to struggle, what with the coaching ‘n aw that. Well. No. He had JT and I nodding and clapping like a pair of dolphins at the back of the court. Score 1-3 Dave (making him better than Peter O’Hara apparently)
    2nd up was Piotr on one of the outer courts, playing in 5th position. For future reference, the outer courts appear to have temperatures lower than the surface of planet Mercury (note to self). Piotr was playing Peter and this seemed like a good opportunity for these guys to play for the right to be called Peter – alas they didn’t think of that one and they are both still called Peter. However, right from the off, (their) Peter showed that he had a strong temperament along with consistency. Piotr was intent on rewriting the rule book again this week on the same issue as last week (stroke against, on a loose drive as a result of not getting back to T). His McEnroe impression is getting very good by this stage in the season and we all enjoyed the banter. To assist Piotr for next week I have decided to introduce a video to assist with squash rules . Unfortunately, when all the verbal jousting was complete, Piotr had burnt himself out but at least there was no need for deed poll. Score 3-0 (Cumulative 4-3)
    3rd up on court was John Turner, playing in 3rd position, looking reasonably pleased that he didn’t have to play Andy Simpson for his match. I didn’t see a huge amount of this match because McEnroe’s game was on at the same time. However, I did see the warm up and John won it, so I knew he would be fine. (I was also hiding from refereeing as I would be on next) John had the strongest performance for the team tonight giving away only 21 points across 3 games. I heard the advice being given to his opponent between games and it was straight out of my game book “hit it to his back hand” – clearly John was in front and clearly the squash adviser was as clueless as me when it comes to this game. Result 0-3 (Cumulative 4-6)
    4th up was Joe ‘the masochist’, playing in 1st position. Joe seems to like his new nickname. However, as provider of this nickname I am disappointed that I didn’t call him Joe ‘bondage’ as he wears more bandages than an Egyptian Mummy! To the game – Joe was on before me as I had sneakily avoided refereeing and Andy (my opponent) had been roped in. Joe set about his opponent like an Egyptian Hawker round a tourist bus and before Neil knew what was going on he was on the first flight home. Score 0-3 (Cumulative 4-9) *match secured*
    Last up was myself against Andy Simpson and I have to admit I was feeling good and full of confidence. By this stage of the evening (9.30pm) court temperatures were so severe that the local fire service were on standby. The first game was very close with DLWE coming in 15-12 victors. Partway through the 2nd game (9-2 up to be exact) I started to feel like Bear Grylls just before he drank his own pee in the desert. The heat was genuinely taking its toll and I was looking for the closest bin to make a deposit. Andy started to claw his way back into it and at 14-14 I was feeling less confident. I remembered then that John had told me to be more aggressive – point taken. MJ takes the game 19-17 – water please! The final game was close as well and the only major issue was McEnroe (the referee) having a laugh by giving a stroke against me when in fact I had hit a clear winner when it wasn’t even a let!!! (watch the video Piotr!) It’s not like I’m still bitter about it! Score 0-3 –felt more like a 2-3. Cumulative (4-12 + 3 bonus) 4-15 DLWE 2
    Summary, the team are on a roll and there is a very slight possibility of promotion. The next few games will be critical as we have fixtures against teams who are above us.

  66. February 16, 2015 at 11:23 am

    Wednesday 11th February 2015 – 3rd Teams
    3rds went to SSRC 5 on Wednesday for match v team lying 4th (compared to us in 6th =).
    Half term / skiing holidays affected us a bit but SSRC 5 seemed weaker than normal too.
    1st on Cameron Gauhl (at No 4) who was looking below par / lacking aggression, when I picked up the match during 3rd game versus Katy Hodgson. Perhaps he liked her? Anyway, he went on to win the game, and the match 3-0. 15-9, 15-10, 15-12.
    Then me at no 2 against Andy Duff (formerly Drymen). Two very close games, but I pulled through 17-15, 15-6, 17-15. Thanks to Raymond for marking.
    Then David Wilson at number 3 against Fraser Thompson. Fraser won the 1st game, but David, with all his experience worked out how to play this one, and ended up recoding a good victory with a 3-1 win. 10-15, 15-13, 15-5, 15-9.
    Meanwhile Alastair McKenzie on another court against Frenchman Nico Ferrand. Didn’t see this game but Alastair lost 3 very close games to 13, 12 & 14 – sounds like he was unlucky not to get something out of the game.
    Finally, Johnny Macdonald (I didn’t know him from Adam!), our man at no 5 versus Omar Sharif, not the backgammon player from Doctor Zhivago, but more like an aging Iron Man (5), wrapped up in so much bandaging. He had quite an entourage of support from friends / relatives in the viewing section. Quite a handy man with a squash racquet, but the poor chap could barely move. Johnny sussed this out and came through 3-1 winner. 7-15; 15-11; 15-10; 15-10.
    A good victory 15-5, compared to 12-7 loss in the Autumn.
    This may seem fanciful, when looking at the table below, but I think a promotion spot is possible. 2 new players in 2nd team squad makes such a huge difference, and the Teuchter back as well. 4 of our remaining fixtures are against sides well below us in the Division (not least DLWE 4!) maximum points a requirement, which leaves Wanderers in 3rd. If we were to beat them 18-0 as well, then you just never know … “this is our flag, these are our squash courts ! … ”
    I am cancelling business trips and holidays to make myself available for all remaining fixtures. And Belinda is going to have to go by herself to see “50 Shades of Broadberry” at the Grosvenor next Wednesday.

  67. February 16, 2015 at 11:23 am

    Wednesday 11th February 2015 – 4th Team
    ‘Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm’
    (Sir Winston Churchill, presumably with DLWE 4th Team and/or my love life in mind)

    After avoiding playing squash (and writing match reports) for a couple of months, I finally ran out of excuses and found myself back in the team for the visit of Glasgow University 3. Many thanks to the Assistant 4th Team Correspondent (aka Raymond Gauhl) for filling in so admirably!

    First up was our new boy, Andrew Glen, who was playing at number five against a dental student called Rebecca Baird (no relation to Al Baird, as far as I know.) I’d love to be able to give a detailed analysis of this match but I can’t because I spent most of it staring at Rebecca’s legs. This is a sad and pathetic admission to have to make. But there you go. Fortunately, Andrew is too young to know the frustration of pining after unobtainable women and was therefore able to concentrate on his game. He must have played pretty well because he won 3-1 (15-6 12-15 15-10 15-10). So, well done Andrew! Hopefully the first win of many.

    Next up was Azmat Sadozye, playing at number three against Dan Stuart. I didn’t see a single point of this match, not because I was eyeing either of them up but because I was playing my match at the same time. Sadly for us, Azmat lost 3-0 (4-15 9-15 11-15).

    I was playing at number four against David Firstbrook. This was only the second time I’d played squash since mid-December and I’d put on so much weight since then that I could barely squeeze into my size medium ‘Kelvin Financial Planning’ shirt (Jason, do you have any size Large left? I’m going to need one. It’s either that or going on a diet.)

    Needless to say, my expectations were low. They were even lower after I lost the first game 15-1. It was so one-sided that memories came flooding back of my infamous match against Ben Mazzucco in the 2013 Club Championship, which I lost 15-0 15-0 15-1! To make matters worse, I kept catching glimpses of my protruding stomach on the glass wall of court one. This was almost as distracting as Rebecca’s legs, although in a far less pleasant way.

    In situations such as this, all you can do is ‘KBO’ (Keep Buggering On), as the great Winston Churchill liked to say. Not the most sophisticated squash tactic, admittedly, but it worked surprisingly well in the second game, which I somehow managed to win 18-16. At this point I was all for declaring a moral victory and going home but my sadistic teammates shoved me back onto the court, insisting that I finish the match. My efforts in the second game cost me the third but I continued to KBO throughout the fourth and was able to level the match at 2-2. Into the decider and a little more KBO saw me leading 10-6. Probable humiliation had turned to possible victory. This, of course, is where it all went wrong. I wavered, David grabbed the momentum and no amount of KBO could stop him closing out the match. Final score was 1-15 18-16 11-15 15-10 13-15. Perhaps I should be pleased to have made a match of it but, in the end, I should have won. I was distraught to have allowed victory to slip through my fingers.

    It was now up to Donald Pirie and Alastair Brash to save the team. Donald played at number one against Calum Brown. Calum beat me pretty easily in the first half of the season but I was hopeful Donald might give him more of a match. From what I saw (which wasn’t much), Donald played pretty well but it didn’t stop him losing 3-0 (4-15 9-15 13-15). I would have seen more of the match but I was back in the changing room trying not to throw up.

    Last but not least was Alastair Brash, at number two, against Joshua O’Donovan. If I hadn’t bottled it at the end of my match, this one would have been the decider. But it wasn’t. Nevertheless, it was still a nail-biter. In fact, it was very similar to my match – squash of dubious quality but plenty of drama! Alastair won the first two games and, at that point, I couldn’t see him losing. But what do I know? He lost the next two and it was all up for grabs again. A quick tactics talk from Jason seemed to do the trick and Alastair regained the momentum. At 14-10 in the fifth, he looked as sure of victory as the Seattle Seahawks on the 1-yard line with 30 seconds left in the Super Bowl. But like the Seahawks (and me) he managed to grab defeat from the jaws of victory. Final score – 15-9 19-17 5-15 13-15 14-16.

    So near and yet so far! If Alastair and I had won our matches (and we both know we should have), the team would have won. As it was, we lost 16-7. So what are we going to do about it? KBO, of course! Onto SSRC next week!

  68. February 19, 2015 at 7:43 am

    Wednesday 18th February 2015 – 1st Team
    Hamilton away tonight and we beat them in the first half of the season, but we got wind that it would be Hamilton & Edinburgh tonight, so we were up against this week – and after last week’s heroics we knew that we were in for a tough night. And so it proved.
    First on was Big Davie (Craig) at No.4 against Allan McKay (who played No.1 last time!). A decent first and last game from the big man, but Allan was in control of most of the match and won 3-0.
    Craig (V-W) played Alistair Mutch at No.1 next. Ali’s only lost to Kevin Moran, Dougie Kempsell & Peter O’Hara so far this season so Craig was really up against it – to say the least. However great touch, fantastic movement and excellent volleying…………and Ali was pretty decent as well. However 3-0 to Hamilton & Edinburgh.
    Colin (Clark) was on at No.5 next against David McAleese. This was the tussle of the night with both players making mistakes by the bucket load and every game was very close. Colin had his chances in the 4th and even had a match ball, but a Dave wrestled it back and he went on to win the 5th as well.
    I was on next against ex-U19 No.1 (from the 1990s) Chris Grey. Great bloke and a great talent and I was so outclassed it must have looked ridiculous at times (it certainly felt it). Encouraging words from Doug in-between games with comments like “Seeing as you’re getting tanked you’re actually doing quite well!” helped.
    Having said that, the night was not entirely wasted as I invented a new game in the 2nd when I shouted:
    “So many times” as I hit another backhand into the tin. A thought came to me, so I followed it up, when the ball came back to me very quickly, by shouting:
    “It happened so fast” – do you see where this is going? Well you’re obviously from the 80s & 90s then! The next shout would be more difficult! Would Chris notice?
    Another point lost:
    “Trade your passion Jason!” he didn’t seem to notice. Next I would need a great shot for the next line – sublime forehand boast:
    “For Glory” I shouted. Chris didn’t seem to either know what I was up to (or care!) I can’t believe he didn’t hear me!!
    Doug wasn’t very impressed when I told him either (mind you he didn’t recognise the ‘Eye of the Tiger’ lyrics – he must be from the noughties!). Or maybe it’s just a that ‘little amuses the innocent’
    Anyway I got thumped and didn’t really get a great run either – it was good to watch Chris play though!
    Last up was Doug (Macmillan) v Seigo Masuda (from Japan, via London & now living in Edinburgh). This lad could run! Craig mentioned that he’s had a massive 3-2 with him once and it had lasted about an hour and a half, so when I came out of the shower I wasn’t surprised to find out it was only the 2nd game. Doug was playing well and he won the 2nd to even things up. Seigo didn’t have a bead of sweat on him!
    At 16-16 in the 3rd Doug would need to win this one to have a chance in the match, unfortunately he didn’t and lost the 4th as well. However he did play very well.
    So a tough 18-3 loss and we’ve slipped back into 3rd last spot in the table. It’s close though
    PS – I see Giffnock beat Newlands last night 15-5 (good win for Pistol Pete though!) – we’ve got them next week!!

  69. February 19, 2015 at 7:44 am

    Wednesday 18th February 2015 – 2nd Team Match Report
    DLWE 2 vs SSRC 4
    Correspondent – M Jackson

    The team are riding the crest of a wave at the minute on a 6 game winning streak (heading into tonight) and a 15 point average. Chests were puffed out tonight in advance of this match and your correspondent felt so confident that when the 1st member of the opposition turning up at 6.30 and announced that he played in 1st position, we decided to compromise and relegate him to 2nd so we could get our game on.

    1st up therefore was MJ vs Dave Shanks playing 2nd string. Dave hit the ball so hard in the warm-up that I was beginning to have reservations about playing this guy. Things got worse when I asked him how his team was getting on this season (if only a little smugly) as we about 40 points ahead of them. He replied by telling me that he normally plays in a higher team and has been playing division 2 / 3 all season “ok, hold the bus, where’s Joe??”. Then I remembered that I’ve been hanging out with the professionals in division one, so without any effort to hide this fact, I told him it was hard for me to remember we have to play to 15 in this league (what a di*k I am)… what with me actually spending most of the first have the season up with Big Jase and the gang. Anyway, this is running away from me a bit but I obviously didn’t tell him I ended up getting pumped every week. To the game, 1st game he got a bit lucky and I played a bit badly so I let him have it. Jason Grinton was reffing and I meant it when I told him I had the other guy on the run. Anyway, I was right and he ran out of puff. Result 3-1 (DLWE), not much else to report other than I was glad to get off the court. Dave could have turned me over on another day and I know this!

    2nd up was Jason Grinton vs Paul Paton playing 5th string. By this stage I had heard from numerous sources that SSRC had a very strong team out this week (btw we are already a game up folks!) Jason is on the recovery trail and has been working very hard up in the gym stretching and perving on birds. He has been away in S Africa for a fortnight, but when he was sent an ‘international text’ calling him up for the match he answered loud and clear! (good man!) Jason lost the first game but looked steady. He stepped it up a gear having invested heavily in his opponents lungs in the first game. From game 2 onwards, he pulled away from Paul showing signs of his trademark accuracy and vision – perhaps the same vision he has been utilising in the gym??? A strong win, 3-1 (DLWE) Cumulative score 6-2

    3rd up was Dr Dave vs Dave Sturman, in 4th string, this could have been the game to decide who…. Oh, I used that joke last week! Anyway, Dr Dave was having a pretty tough time of it when I made it across to support him. Dave Sturman is a wily fox and knew how to use the smallest of things to his advantage. The main one I noticed was serving repeatedly below the red line! We made it through two refs and both commented on it but both ignored it… anyway, Dr Dave is too classy to comment on that sort of thing, but your correspondent is not! On a less searing note Dave Sturman played very well in the rallying part of the games and ended up the deserved winner in this one. Dr Dave was very disappointed to lose a game and secretly we all like to see how much it means to him. Result 0-3 (SSRC) Chin up Dr Dave, you are our spiritual leader! Cumulative score 6-5

    4th game was John Turner vs Nikhil Pande, playing 3rd string. I refereed this game and didn’t actually look up to see who John was playing until the racquet was tossed up. When I knew this would be a good game. Regarding Nikhil, I had a good laugh one night at SSRC watching Nikhil play. He has great touch and plays some lovely drops and volleys. I know from speaking to him that he is a very keen and accomplished cricketer. He represented his ‘county’ in India at cricket and it was clear to see this guy was coordinated. John started in the first game well by hitting a few boundaries and Nikhil struggled as John was on the ball quickly and not giving him much time. John was finding good length and had great results when he got the ball in behind Nikhil. 2nd game was a different matter when John started playing Nikhil’s game (1-1) John was swiftly told by him team mates to stop messing around and get in there and bang it, 3rd game, much closer with John edging it 19-17. Final game Nikhil was burst to begin with, but ended closely 16-14. A hard game for both players, John took the trophy with a 3-1 win. Cumulative score 9-6.

    Final game and Joe (I mean business) MacDonald was up against Nick Allan. Nick is a Geordie and this realisation sent him and Jason Grinton into all sorts of regional accents and sayings. Joe was clinical as usual hitting great length and weight, Nick countered by running about all over the place and for the most part getting it back. It was at this stage that I asked ‘Big John’ McIntrye what he thought Nick Allan was thinking and the big man just laughed and said “oh f**K” – concurred. Joe played well and took the tie 3-0. However, he commented afterwards on how annoying it was that Nick kept getting it back (a major compliment in my book). Result 3-0 Cumulative 15-5 DLWE.

    Next week is away to somewhere in North Ayrshire, Jason Grinton is driving the team down. Meet at the club at 6. I’ve called ‘shotgun’ so get it roon ye! Ps I am predicting this going right down the wire J

  70. February 24, 2015 at 1:31 pm

    Wednesday 18th February 2015 – 3rd Team
    “ I always wanted to be a hairdresser “ – David Beckham

    The thirds were up against Scotstoun 2 last Wednesday

    Should our sporting heroes have been Hairdressers or did the dream continue ?

    I apologise for the delay and shortness in the report so all the details are a bit hazy but the result is the same as the actress said to the Bishop.

    The Col playing 2 was on first as he had left his son Home alone . I only saw the end of this game but the last game was the closest but from what I saw Graham always in command.

    Win 3-0 15-5 15-7 15-13

    Thanks to the Seconds all wanting to play in the show court, bunch of 1980’s poseurs – not sure which ones wore the leggings, we grabbed the other two courts and were able to rattle through the games.

    Luke was on next and victory was never really in doubt albeit not completely one sided.

    Win 3-0 15-10 15- 9 15-10

    I playing 3 was then on court and again had relatively comfortable win

    Win 3-0 15-7 15-9 15-10

    To complete the pattern Alastair at 1 then dominated his match

    Win 3-0 15-7 15-5 15-6

    This left Neil, who had been late due to the joys of Fatherhood. Neil played Sandy Niven and had the luck or misfortune to play probably their best player on the night. This was compounded by the age of Sandy who looked as though he could barely pick up a 140 weight squash racquet.

    Sandy won the first game 15-7 and all of us watching waited for the racquet toss from Neil or at least a good swearing outburst. None came, how Fatherhood changes you. Instead Neil aware probably he was on a hiding to nothing started hitting the ball hard . The whole matched turned and Neil won comfortably. Sandy was a wee bit upset at the end, but should be happy with his efforts.

    Win 3-1 7-15 15-1 15-7 15-7

    Overall Win 18-1 and the promotion dream is still on.

    Chat was good after the match and the food ….was half decent

    Our days of crimping and colouring are still in the future..

  71. February 25, 2015 at 2:13 pm

    Wednesday 18th February 2015 – 4th Team
    This week the 4th team were away to SSRC 6. I’ll try to keep this week’s report brief, which I’m sure will come as a great relief to both my readers.
    I arrived to find three matches already underway. One of them involved Alastair Brash, at number four, against Donald MacKinnon (formerly of DLWE). The first game was close but that was as good as it got for Alastair. He lost 3-0 (15-17 9-15 11-15).
    Also on court was Jonny McDonald, playing at number two against Nico Ferrand. Both players played lots of good squash and it was a keenly contested match. The most memorable moment was a particularly ostentatious drop shot from Nico, followed by a frustrated scream of ‘What more do I have to do!’ from Jonny. In the end, he couldn’t do quite enough and lost 3-1 (8-15 15-11 7-15 8-15)
    The other match on court was Andrew Glen, at number five, against fellow junior Jack Fenton. Jack’s claim to infamy is that’s he’s the only player ever to lose to Raymond Gauhl. This is the kind of crushing psychological blow that could end a young career before it even starts. However it seems that Jack has bounced back well. It was a good contest between the two youngsters and Andrew certainly had his moments, but it ended in another 3-1 defeat for us (7-15 15-9 7-15 7-15)
    Next up was me, at number three, against Fraser Thomson (another DLWE old boy). Fraser didn’t appear to have improved much since the last time I played him and I’m sure I could have beaten him, if it wasn’t for the fact that I haven’t improved either! The first two games were woeful but the third was better. I should have won it but I didn’t take my chances and was deservedly beaten 3-0 (9-15 8-15 15-17).
    The final match was Cameron Gauhl, at number one, against Josh Bain. It was a terrific contest to watch – almost like proper squash! Cameron and Josh matched each other shot for shot and it was no surprise that it went to a fifth game. I popped down to the changing room at the end of the fourth game and was surprised to encounter Cameron preparing for the deciding game in unusual fashion – by blow-drying his hair! I expressed my doubts about this tactic but Cameron wasn’t having any of it. And I’ll never doubt him again, because it worked brilliantly! The fifth game looked as if it could go either way for the most part but Cameron stepped up his game at the crucial moments to secure a 3-2 win (16-14 9-15 15-8 12-15 15-10). Obviously the ‘hairdryer treatment’ was just what he needed!
    So a 17-5 defeat for the team. Well done to Cameron for saving us (again!) from complete humiliation.
    Post-match food was soup and sandwiches. Raymond took issue with the description of the soup as ‘home-made’, insisting that, technically, it was ‘squash-club-made’! Fortunately the nice lady responsible for making soup took this in the right spirit and didn’t pour a bowl over Raymond’s head.
    On to Newlands 8 next. Please God, don’t make me play the child prodigy Orla Young!

  72. March 4, 2015 at 2:14 pm

    Wednesday 25th February 2015 – 1st Team

  73. March 4, 2015 at 2:14 pm

    Wednesday 25th February 2015 – 2nd Team

  74. March 4, 2015 at 2:15 pm

    Wednesday 25th February 2015 – 3rd Team
    DLWE 3 vs SSRC 6

    A friend of mine stopped smoking, drinking ,overeating and chasing women
    -all at the same time. It was a lovely funeral – Unknown

    As we near the end of the leagues all the members of the thirds are practicing this mantra. Alastair for instance only downed one pint of lager on Wednesday night and Piotr is a shadow of his former self.

    No first team excesses here – Jason take note

    So it was that a team of squash athletes visited Maryhill on Wednesday, namely Hamilton Firsts, and we also turned up.

    I having travelled from Aberdeen arrived after 7 so missed most of the first match with Alastair at 2 up against Andy Duff. I did see the third game and with Alastair getting fitter as the weeks go by he was just too sharp for Andy.

    Score Win 3-0 15-8 15-3 15-10

    The Col was on next playing at 3 against another of these awkward baby boomers from the new century namely Jack Fenton. Jack played pretty well but Graham had the bit between his teeth like a 50 shades of Grey novel and was dominant throughout. Unfortunately Jack went over on his ankle at the end of the second game and tried to continue but quite rightly was advised to desist .

    Score Win 3-0 15-8 15-11 15-4

    Johnny Mcdonald on a 5 then took on Jacks dad Paul. I have only seen Johnny a couple of times but when hit the ball fairly fizzes of his racket. He also I can see is getting fitter and also more court aware . He basically played well on the whole and also had 50 Shades of dominance.

    Score Win 3-0 15-5 15-6 15-5

    I was not so 50 shades in my game against Omar. Omar while not the quickest does hit a clean ball and again I suffer runs of bad points. However as I increasingly played short to the front the points came my way.

    Score Win 3-0 15-12 15-12 15-8

    Last up was Piotr at 1 against the Frenchman Nico . Most right minded people abhor giving national characteristics so I will not use the one about the crafty Pole against the mercurial Frenchman. It was hands up to mark this and Alastair mistaking the shout for another pint of lager raised his hand. How he loved that decision. The match started with great squash from both but by the end it was down to who would blink first. I never doubted our man and Piotr came out on top. Still handshakes were warm at the end and Nico was particularly praising on the number of let calls raised by Piotr. I think the record for a 6th division match was reached. Good entertainment for the fans anyway.

    Score Win 3-2 12-15 19-17 15-12 14-16 15-6

    Overall Win 18-2

    Food of soup and sandwiches went down well and the Martin Luther King – I have a dream, is still possible

  75. March 4, 2015 at 2:15 pm

    Wednesday 25th February 2015 – 4th Team
    The fourths were at home to Newlands 8 this week. It was an eventful evening, if not exactly a successful one.

    Cameron Gauhl, playing at number one, drew the short straw and had to play rising starlet Orla Young. It turned out to be an even shorter straw than he could have imagined. More on this one later, because I didn’t actually see any of it. I was marking our own new hope, Andrew Glen, who was playing at number five against Alastair MacLeod. It was a really great match to watch and neither player really deserved to lose. Andrew led 2-1 after three very close games before having a bit of a wobble in the fourth. But he kept calm and raised his game again in the fifth to clinch a 3-2 win (15-12 17-19 16-14 4-15 15-10). His ability to play his best squash on the most important points was very impressive.

    Meanwhile, I was missing all the drama in the other match between Cameron and Orla. It wouldn’t be right for me to comment on what happened because I didn’t see it, so I’ll stick to the facts as I know them. Cameron won the first two games comfortably, at which point some gamesmanship ensued from Team Newlands (although not from Orla herself, as far as I know). The result of all this was that Cameron seemingly lost all momentum and, with it, the match (15-6 15-6 12-15 9-15 5-15). Following the match, various things were said by various people, almost resulting in fisticuffs between Raymond and Colin McIntyre of Newlands. And that’s all I’m saying about that!

    Luke Steven was back in the fourth team this week and played at number two against Cameron Moss. I only saw the first game because I had to play my own match. Luke got off to a slow start, which cost him the first game, although he did save a whole succession of game balls in impressive fashion. He then won the second game but ended up losing 3-1 (11-15 15-7 8-15 11-15).

    Next up was me, at number three, against Callum Bruce. Chris McNally summed up this one better than I ever could, when he told me after the match, ‘I watched until midway through the third game and then decided I couldn’t watch any more of that pish!’ I lost 3-0 (11-15 6-15 7-15).

    Alastair Brash was last up, playing at number four against Frank Logie. Alastair didn’t play his best match but he was always going to be up against it against the more experienced Frank and ended up losing 3-0 as well (6-15 11-15 9-15).

    The final score was 17-6 to Newlands. Only three weeks left of the season but there’s still plenty to play for. Two of our last three matches are against promotion contenders (including a certain DLWE 3), so at least we’ve got a chance to make a nuisance of ourselves!

    On to Allander 2 next week.


  1. November 22, 2014 at 8:08 am
  2. December 3, 2014 at 9:54 am
  3. December 3, 2014 at 9:58 am
  4. December 3, 2014 at 10:03 am
  5. December 19, 2014 at 1:29 am
  6. January 6, 2015 at 12:20 am
  7. January 19, 2015 at 3:52 pm

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