Match Reports DLWE 2015/16


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  1. October 14, 2015 at 2:48 pm

    Wednesday 30th September 2015 – 1st Team
    Well team squash is back for another season and I was getting the usual questions about how Doug can’t have been playing much if I was playing above him! Bloody cheek I say! I may not be in the best shape of my life (in fact it’s always amazed me how much ‘Exercise’ and ‘Extra Fries’ sound alike!) but the shots are getting better.
    The teams looked great in the new ‘Kelvin Financial Planning’ bottle green t-shirts and many thanks to Michael Jackson for sponsoring the squads again this year (and I’m optimistic for all the teams this season as the depth at the club is growing).
    We’ve strengthened our team squads this year and the 1st team now has the services of the DL Renfrew coach, Jason Lang. He’s making the trip North of the river to come and join the squad at No.2. Jason and I used to play together at Renfrew, when I coached there, and in retrospect what a team we were building with Kevin Moran, Dougie Kempsell, the two Jasons and Sean Norris (in fact Sean was the only weak link we had!!). I think that team playing now would have a good chance of winning the league, but we were all much younger then (except Sean and I who were much older!)
    Anyway back to the match and it was just as well we had new Jase, as our opponents (Whitecraigs Rugby) had also strengthened at No.2 – and it was all down to the No.2s at the end of the night!
    Joe (McDonald) was ready to go on and leave early, but there was no sign of his opponent so first on was the aforementioned Doug (Macmillan) v Harry Anderson at No.3. I missed most of this match as I was on mascot sitting duties for the 2nd team and she didn’t want to watch Doug! Harry played well apparently and took the game to Doug and although the early stages were tight Harry eventually won 3-1.
    Joe was still ready to go, but still no sign of his opponent so I went on next at No.3 against Dougie Emery. Dougie beat me the last time we played so this was going to be tough at best. But I got an amazing start and took the first; however this had happened before and he came back to go 2-1 up last time so I was like a coiled spring in the 2nd (well a coiled banana anyway) and that game came my way as well – must have been lucky. Be ready for the come-back in the 3rd. However I managed to dominate the last game as well and was very relieved/happy/surprised to finish it before Dougie really got going! So the match was all square (3-0 win to us).
    Joe was ready to go on next, but as his opponent still wasn’t there the No.1s went on next. Craig (Valente-Wallace) took on Whitecraigs No.1 Andy McBean. Craig took a 1-0 lead with some good early pace. Unfortunately Andy gained control of the pace and momentum and Craig eventually lost 3-1
    The Whitecraigs RFC No.5, Colin Hutton, arrived during the 1st match and he and Joe went on and I marked this one so I missed a lot of the No.1’s match. Colin took the 1st game as Joe was playing far too much on his forehand (the left). I pointed this out to Joe and he completely ignored me in the 2nd! This made things very tight indeed and only when Joe got the ball on the right was he making any progress at all (Michael Jackson was trying to force the point home by only applauding when Joe played on the right!). I explained again to Joe the tactic and this time he went back on court and won 11-0! Well I was delighted with that! So more of the same please Joe – and although it was tighter in the 4th Joe brought the match home 3-1.
    So 2-2 in matches and the debutantes were on last at No.2 – Jason (Lang) for us and Ewan Hearns for the rugby club. Euan had beaten Jason at the weekend, so the signs were not looking good, however Jason played well tonight and although the pace was frenetic at times Jason was using the angles really well and volleying Ewan short at the right times winning the first game. And this turned out to be the theme of the match; Jason dominated the centre of the court and volleyed well keeping Euan guessing and brought him the next 2 games and a 3-0 win.
    So a great start to the season with a 14-7 win. But with 2 veggies tonight I had to give up my dinner to the guests! Doah!). Still good chat with the Whitecraigs Rugby lads and I look forward to the return on those strange courts!

  2. October 14, 2015 at 2:59 pm

    Wednesday 30th September 2015 – 2nd Team

  3. October 14, 2015 at 3:00 pm

    Wednesday 30th September 2015 – 3rd Team
    “God Save the Queen
    The Fascist Regime
    It made you a moron
    Potential H Bomb “
    The Sex Pistols
    Yes the thirds were up against youthful rebellion on Wednesday night in the shape of Strathclyde Uni. Since the 70’s however the chances of anarchy and revolution have diminished rapidly and we are left hoping for a man in his mid 60’s with ill fitting Sports Jackets and a dodgy look to start a revolution, or at least not sing the National Anthem. But enough about Jason. Punks might now be a thing of the past but could the Clash of DLWE beat the Jam of Strathclyde Uni.
    I arrived to find Alistair on court playing at 1, involved in a tussle apparently longer than the Hundred years war . His opponent Malcolm Jardine was young fit and eager, while Alastair was eager. However our Johnny Rotten used all his experience and also a more svelte like appearance to keep in the match . He basically kept the ball in play until Malcolm make mistakes and won a good match in the end – Win 3-2 19/17 15/5 8/15 12/15 15/9
    Meanwhile Paul playing at 5, was also up against a young fit and eager opponent in Gavin Kydd. I saw more of this game than Alastair’s and as usual was impressed with Paul’s ability to put the ball to where he wanted to . I know that seems a basic rule, but take a view of one of my matches one day. His opponent apparently is a good Badminton player, but our Paul was a better Squash player.
    Win 3-1 – No scores unfortunately their Captain lost the sheet!
    I then marked our young, fit and eager player in Johnny, ok it’s all comparative. Johnny was playing at 2 against Brian Foo. Johnny when he hits it, he hits it and I did like some of his clean crisp drives.
    I also liked when after winning the first he shook Brian’s hand completely confusing him! All games were nip and tuck with both players playing one point well and then Johnny Rotten the next. Our Johnny was ultimately a bit more savvy and won the match
    Win 3-1 – 15/12 10/15 17/15 17/15
    The Colonel was on at the same time against Eric Williamson playing at 3. I only saw one point of this match and Graham won it. The rest of the match, London or is that France must have been calling
    because he lost 3-0. Maybe he is more a New Romantic
    Loss 0-3- 7/15 7/15 12/15
    I was on last at 4 against Scott Lorimer . Scott like all the ‘Tech boys’ fitted the young fit and eager category. I was wearing the jolly green giant T-shirt had again maybe more knowledge, and apart from a run of points where I was attempting to hit like an Egyptian but instead walked like one, won my match.
    Win 3-1 – 15/11 15/4 11/15 15/5
    We then repaired to a trendy Merchant City Bar. Alastair and I fitted in but alas no young trendy girls appeared to ask us about our large …rackets.
    A good start and looking ahead, the matches against Robert McNicol’s 4ths will be the bankers that get us the coveted title.
    Overall Win 15-8

  4. October 14, 2015 at 3:00 pm

    Wednesday 30th September 2015 – 3rd Team
    It was 6:30 pm on a late September evening. I was sitting in the back of a car while the two middle-aged men in front stared blankly at the sat nav. They were arguing about how many ‘R’s there are in ‘Barrhead’ and whether ‘sports centre’ was all one word or two. All this could only mean one thing! Team squash was back!
    Eventually Raymond, Alastair and I arrived at Barrhead Sports Centre (or is it Barhead Sportscentre?) for our match against Giffnock 6. There was immediate drama when we were greeted with the news that Giffnock had forgotten to book the courts. One of the courts was being used by members of the public and the other one had a dodgy door and a table tennis table in the middle of it. So the match was off! But, just as we were starting to celebrate our glorious 18-0 default triumph, we were told the match was on again! The door was fixed, the table tennis table was removed and it was agreed that we could use the other court between bookings by the public!
    The setback of actually having to play squash might have broken lesser teams. But not us! Luke Steven got the season underway, playing at number one against Gerry Murphy. Luke breezed through the first game 15-6 and looked to be heading for a routine victory. Gerry spent the break between games lying flat out on the court. I was worried that he might be dead but it turned out he was just stretching. This seemed to work wonders because Gerry dominated the second game, winning it 15-5. Not to worry, though. Luke was back in control at the start of the third. He took the next two games 15-8 15-6 to secure a comfortable 3-1 win.
    Ewan MacAndie played at number two, against Stevie O’Neill. I didn’t see any of this match because I was marking on the other court but Ewan’s dad told me that he played very well, apart from a bit of a wobble in the third game. The result was 3-1 to Ewan (15-8 15-11 6-15 15-11). So the two youngsters in the team had got us off to the perfect start and it was up to Alastair, Raymond and me to finish the job.
    The previous night I had played a mini-league match against Alastair Brash. At stake, in addition to the usual ten points, was the coveted number three spot in the team. Alastair won a tight match 3-2. His reward for this was to be thrashed by an 11-year-old! The 11-year-old in question was called Huzaifah Ali and he played superbly for someone so young. Alastair, on the other hand, seemed below par. His normally lethal drop shots were nowhere to be seen. He had his chances in the second game but it wasn’t to be and Huzaifah won 3-0 (15-8 16-14 15-10).
    I played at number four against Sally Binnie who, if I read the Giffnock honours board correctly, is the eight-time former ladies’ club champion. She wasn’t exactly at the peak of her career anymore but she still knew her way around a squash court well enough to make me look rather foolish at times. Relying on my advantage in power and speed, I won a close first game. But just when I thought I had it all under control, Sally began to baffle me with the sort of squash you usually only see from the gnarled veterans of the DLWE 3rd team – all floaty serves and clever boasts from the front of the court. It was like playing Iain Beveridge in a skirt. Sally won the second game easily but I gradually began to read her game better and managed to win the third. The fourth was very close and I had to save a game ball but eventually I was able to close out a 3-1 win (15-11 8-15 15-10 17-15).
    I was relieved at avoiding a fifth game, mostly because I was worried that the simmering feud between Sally and Luke (who was marking) might boil over. Sally wasn’t at all impressed with Luke’s ‘confident’ style of officiating. “I’m so sorry, he’s a Glasgow High boy”, I explained to her during a break between games.
    Raymond Gauhl played at number five against Gerard McGumity. It was great to see Raymond back after an absence from the club for several months. However, having not played for so long, a Raymond victory was about as likely as Jeremy Corbyn becoming leader of the Labour Party. Needless to say, Raymond won a landslide 3-0 victory (15-13 15-11 15-12). Just like Corbyn, Raymond was as surprised as anyone at his own win. “Have you ever played squash before”, he kept asking his opponent! The implications of this surprise win are yet to become clear. Given the decisiveness of his triumph, Raymond has a huge mandate to remain in the team, despite serious concerns that his continued presence may consign us to squash oblivion. Only time will tell how it all turns out. Perhaps he’ll surprise us all and lead us to the top of the table!
    So an eventful evening ended with an unexpected 15-6 win and we all headed back to Giffnock for pizza and chips. The 4th team has been struggling in the lower reaches of division six for the last couple of seasons but it might just be different this year!

  5. October 14, 2015 at 3:02 pm

    Wednesday 7th October 2015 – 1st Team
    Just a quick report as it’s been so long since the last match (must do better….on and of the court!)

    It’s always a tough match playing Western 1 away and when I arranged an early start it looked even more tough,as I was playing Liam Dickson at No.3! Either I’m getting older or all the No.3s in Div.1 are getting significantly better! Anyway needless to say the battle of the veggies was won by the younger man as Liam beat me 3-0 (the 3-0 score line flatters me a bit as it wasn’t even that close!!??! In fact at one point Doug’s advice was just try something outrageous as you’re getting chopped anyway! I did and that didn’t work either!).

    Next on at No.5 was Joe (McDonald) against Mhairi Charlton and this was a real tough one for both players. Mhairi has really come on since I last saw her and she put Joe under a huge amount of pressure throughout the match. The only thing Joe could do was hang in and try to wear her down, but even that was a tough ask. Mhairi probably should have won this game 3-0 but Joe hung in really well to steal the third game (with some help from Mhairi hitting a game ball into the tin). However Mhairi closed the game out 3-1 even though she (and Joe) both looked very tired.

    Third on was our new No.2 Jason (Lang) and he was up against it this week as he was playing Steven Halliday. I didn’t see the early exchanges as I nipped off for a shower, however I soon heard that Jason had won the first game which was great news. However by the time I got there he was 2-1 down and Steven was well in control. The final result was 3-1 to Steven but Jason must have played really well to get that first game and a team point (they’re all crucial for us!).

    Next on were the number for pairing Doug Macmillan against Joe Ghaemi. This was a 3-2 thriller and when Doug was 2-0 down it looked like there was no chance. But he sneaked the 3rd game and Joe looked like he was tiring, and if he wasn’t tiring then he certainly was by the 5th and Doug was now in the driving seat. He brought home the match 3-2, once again good digging from Doug.

    Last on were the No.1 pairing of Craig (Vallente-Wallace) v Peter Halliday. It didn’t surprise me that everyone disappeared from the balcony as they were knocking up so it was left to muggins here to take this one on. Peter started brilliantly and really had Craig under pressure from the word go, in fact he was 2-0 up before Craig knew what had hit him. Well I feared the worst, but that serves me right for not having enough faith! Craig battled back and really played well to dig in and win both the 3rd & 4th games. Well I don’t know if the players were nervous, but I certainly was doing the marking! In fact towards the end of the match there was a point where both players disagreed with each other and both halves of the balcony would have given different decision (#nightmare) and as I couldn’t see the only thing I could do was play a ‘yes let’. In the end I think Craig was just the fitter man in the last few points (although I’m sure Peter would dispute this, in fact he did!) but either way it was an amazing comeback from Craig and certainly the best I have seen him play for the team.

    So we retired to the bar for the traditional Western Chinese takeaway. Another good Wednesday night out and it’s always good chat after the meal (although I then had to drive 2 hours south to Blackpool! Now that’s commitment!)

  6. October 14, 2015 at 3:07 pm

    Wednesday 7th October 2015 – 2nd Team
    A satisfactory evening for the seconds away in the leafy suburbs of Glasgow Southside at Whitecraigs LT&SC, not a cold baked potato in sight.

    First up was David Craig, prowling around the court like a graceful panther, and despite trying his level best to throw the third game away, beat Tim Ross 3-0 (8, 8, and 13). Great start. DC then headed off to watch the Bake Off final (whilst claiming he had to look after his daughter)

    Next up was David Moulsdale against the rather interesting character of Fred Laing. David powered through the first winning to 4 and not even breaking sweat, somehow contrived to lose the second to 8, then rediscovered form to take the third to 4 and took the fourth 17-15. Fred managed to irritate David a little, not helped by a howler of a call from the marker (me, sorry David), but kept his composure to bag the victory 3-1. DM then also headed off to catch the end of the Bake Off ( whilst claiming he had an early start in the morning).

    Michael Jackson , perspicacious as ever, noted that it meant “more food for me then” – before heading onto court to turn Gordon McLure over 3-1 – some moments of hot squash from our very own King of Pop, nice work.

    JT did alright in his first match of the season ( no ridiculous ‘no ferry’ excuses this week ) to beat Gian Manini 3-1 – one or two nice length shots for a change even if I say so myself.

    Didn’t get the chance to see Colin Clark’s 3-0 demolition (7,8 and 4) of Iain C, but according to Colin it was an outstanding performance of elegance, power, control, grace, a thing of pure beauty, a demonstration of the highest quality squash, with many moments of genius beyond comparison………….

    Pizza and chips were spot on – no potato gate issues, and good banter with the Whitecraigs gents – MJ (typically) managed to blag a whisky miniature off of Our Fred, whilst polishing off the remaining Pepperoni and Hawaiian.

    So, 18-3 victory on top of last weeks 18-1 win. Magic darts.


  7. October 21, 2015 at 9:56 am

    Wednesday 7th October 2015 – 3rd Team

  8. October 21, 2015 at 9:57 am

    Wednesday 7th October 2015 – 4th Team
    While Iain Beveridge and the other fading stars of the 3rd team laboured to an unconvincing win over Glasgow University 3, the 4th team surged to the top of Division 6 with a sparkling performance at home against Strathclyde University 3.

    Despite his resounding victory the previous week, Raymond Gauhl was brutally purged from the team amid fears that his participation made us un-promotable. A week is a long time in squash! Raymond wasn’t taking no for an answer, though. He turned up anyway and spent most of the evening puffing defiantly on his e-cigarette. If that doesn’t help him regain his place, nothing will.

    Alastair Brash was first on, at number four, against Muhid Shahid. Alastair needed to get away early to pick up something for his work, so he was keen to win quickly. After a shaky start, he edged the first game 15-11 and then stormed through the second 15-5, playing some really good squash. He fell behind in the third but came back strongly and eventually reached match ball. But, just when it looked all over, Muhid fought back and edged the game 17-15. Alastair was furious with himself. Fortunately he was able to channel his irritation in the right way and he breezed through the fourth game 15-3. So Alastair was able to get away just in time to make his collection, having delivered a full three points for the team. He even made it back in time for the post-match food. How’s that for commitment to the team!

    Luke Steven played at number one against Nick Rogers. There’s not much to say about this one because Luke made it look so easy. Nick wasn’t a bad player by any means but Luke destroyed him 15-6 15-7 15-17 in no time at all. Luke is playing some lovely squash this season but don’t tell him I said that! He’s quite confident enough as it is!

    I didn’t see much of the matches involving Andrew Glen or Ewan MacAndie, due to marking duties and my own match. But I’m happy to report 3-0 victories for both of our new young stars. Andrew beat David Ramsay 15-10 15-13 15-7 at number two and Ewan beat Andy Murray (no, not that one!) 15-12 17-15 15-10 at number three.

    Last and least was me, at number five, against Rachit Agarwal. Rachit was making his team squash debut and seemed quite nervous. He took quite a lot of persuading to end the warm-up and start the match. Unfortunately for him, he never really got over his nerves and I won the match very comfortably, 15-5 15-2 15-5. I’m not used to winning that easily (or winning at all, come to think of it!), so it all felt a bit strange.

    So the final score was 18-1 to us and we sit proudly in joint top position in the table, alongside Wanderers 2. Promotion looks inevitable. Meanwhile, the 3rd team trail in a distant third place, a full point behind. Surely the best they can hope for is mid-table obscurity.

    The evening ended on a sour note, with accusations of baked potato theft directed at us by jealous 3rd team members. We, however, prefer to do our talking on the court and look forward to doing so on 2nd December!

  9. October 28, 2015 at 8:15 am

    Wednesday 21st October 2015 – 1st Team
    Okay so the report is still late but at least it is earlier than last weeks! And with two weeks between the last match and this, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I sat on the couch last Wednesday and when the wife said “What’s on TV” I don’t think she appreciated the reply “Dust!”

    Anyway Townend 1 came to this end of town last week (do you see what I did there!) and despite trying to get an early start none of the ties really matched up. First on at No.5 was Joe McDonald V Peter Shivas. Peter still looks ‘regal’ on court and it is great to see him still playing 1st division squash. He still has the ability to pull out a perfect length shot to the back of the court whenever he needs it, and ultimately this is why he won 3-0. He kept Joe to the back and even if the ball came back it was dispatched. Joe was disappointed with his performance and his racket got the full brunt of his frustration and almost my head; however I thought Peter dominated well and didn’t really let Joe get his foot in the door.

    Next on court were the No.1s as Craig Valente Wallace took on Rory Stewart. I don’t think Craig really believed he could win this one, so he must have surprised himself because he played well. Every game was tight and the first two were tie-breakers (the 1st to Rory and the 2nd to Craig). I thought Craig was really in the match and a few more lucky breaks (and a little bit more belief) and who knows, as the 3rd and 4th games only had two points in each of them (9-11 9-11). Unfortunately Rory won them both and so took the match 3-1.

    So we were 2-0 down and would need to win every other tie.

    Doug took to the court next against Scotty (Shabana) Bradford! This match was hilarious as Scott is a real character on and off the court. Every time he did the splits I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry! Or Cry with laughter!! It was a great 1st game and Doug was fortunate at 11-11 to bring home the last two points. However after this he seems to have picked up as the next 2 games were reasonably comfortable.
    So the comeback was on with Doug’s 3-0 win at No.4

    The No.2 pairing was on next as Jason Lang played Ross McHoul. I didn’t know how to call this one and thought it could go either way. And do you know what? It did! Unfortunately I didn’t see it, as I had to go on court myself.

    I was playing at No.3 against Ross Allan. As I went on court the heat hit me which was very unlike our courts. I think this suited Ross as he proceeded to give me the run-around! We traded games, Ross winning the 1st and me the 2nd etc until we reached the 5th (I obviously won’t mention the game point in the 4th, when Ross declared my ball was a double bounce and walked off the court – slipping the referee a tenner as he went – with me looking mystified and waiting to serve! I definitely won’t mention that!).

    Anyway by that time, the news was that Jason had won his match at No.2 – and so at 2-2 in matches and Ross and I at 2-2 it made the 5th a bit spicy!

    Fortunately for me I got Ross on the end of a really long rally, early on in the 5th and after that I found the going much easier. 6-0 became 9-3 and I knew I was going to be tough to beat from there. So a fortunate 3-2 win for me and the match was secured (hold on did I win that match on fitness!).

    Well what a team come back! And talking of come-backs it was ‘good’ to see the pasta-bake back on the menu for dinner (everyone seems to hate it except me).

    Most of the players had disappeared by the time I made it to the table, maybe they didn’t fancy my chat! So it just left Doug, Jason and myself to decide on Saturday 12th December for the Christmas night out – Craig is banned after getting me too drunk last time!!

  10. October 28, 2015 at 8:16 am

    Wednesday 21st October 2015 – 2nd Team
    With the international break week now out of the way, it was back to bithneth as usual for the seconds playing at home (aka the centre of culinary excellence). Having efficiently disposed of the Whitecraigs Tennis lot in the last match ( report passim 07/10/15), it was now the turn of Whitecraigs Rugby – what is it about Whitecraigs that they always have to disguise their squash teams under the pseudonym of another sport – what will it be next, Whitecraigs Hang Gliding ? A debate for another day, possibly…….
    Anyways, with David Craig not available due to a pressing tennis commitment, we all had to “move on up” ( as the late and very great Curtis Mayfield would have put it ) the pecking order.
    First ones on kicking off the evenings entertainment were ‘Doctor Dave’ Ritchie at 4 against Andy Walker in the very warm sauna like conditions of Court 3 (yes, really), and Michael Wacko Jacko at 2 against Alastair Ross on 2.
    Dave played pretty damn well against an excellent player, some very strong rallies, but Andy managed to close out the match 3-0 (13;12 and 10) – Dave deserved more than that, and on another day……..
    Michael pulled off a very decent 3-1 victory over on Court 2 – looked like an effective opponent with even more of those sneaky slidy boast shots than MJ , so good work.
    After two rubbers (oooh matron) then it was one apiece. Next up on sweltering Court 3 was David Molsdale at 5 against Robert Steel. An excellent start for David taking the first 15-12, but Robert fought back to take the next three to 9, 12 and 17-15. David certainly has the power, reach and shots – just a fraction more consistency could easily have swung the result his way.
    So at 2-1 down in the match overall, I went on against Niall Davidson and came away with 3-0 win to 11, 6 and 16-14 – nice result.
    All square at 2-2 then, cue the ‘cometh the hour, cometh the man’ moment in the battle of the number ones, and indeed the battle of the two Colin’s – our very own Mr Clark vs Rugby’s Mr Hutton. Numerous calls of c’mon Colin, great shot Colin, and occasionally for Christ sake Colin from the growing masses gathering behind the court, noses pressed against the glass…. The first two games were just ‘tight as’ with the home hero winning the first 18-16, only to go down 12-15 in the second. Deep breath, steely eyes and our man stepped up into the power game breezing through the third 15-3 and taking the next to 11 for a magnificent and impressive 3-1 win and to clinch the match. One notable moment of ‘body line’ squash when CC , uncharacteristically out of position, took a pretty fast moving ball to the side of the head/ear – yeah, everyone knows that that’s quite a large area, but even so we all felt that one. No blood either, as CC returned to his rhythm to close out the match.
    So, a 3-2 victory for the seconds at 12-8.
    It was back to pasta – certainly decent enough – and barely a mention of potato gate. They were a decent bunch of guys and good banter.
    MJ’s first question on discovering that we are away at SSRC next week was ‘what’s the food like there ?’, leading to another favourite discussion about food that is served up on the circuit, pizzas, Chinese, pies. MJ right in there with that one ( see 07/10/15 report) . And so endeth another satisfactory evening for the foot soldiers of the second team.

  11. October 28, 2015 at 8:16 am

    Wednesday 21st Oct 2015 – 3rd Team
    DLWE 3 vs Scotstoun 3
    “And all I can do is keep on telling you
    I want you
    I need you
    But there aint no way Im ever going to love you
    Now don’t be sad
    Cause two out of three aint bad
    Now don’t be sad
    Cause two out of three aint bad”
    Meat Loaf
    You might well ask what is the relevance of a fat American singing about the vagaries of love ,have to do with winter squash in darkest Glasgow …well read on
    Scotstoun is famous for the Glasgow Warriors , building ships in the past and the Squash finals at the Commonwealth Games . A combination of all three
    in the Scotstoun team could have caused us palpitations last night but we must have played a team transported from genteel Bearsden – no offence to David Mazzucco !
    as without spoiling the story we all won.
    First up was Johnny Macdonald playing at 2 against Colin Tait. We have two Jonnies in the team which reminds me of Alastair’s tale of his visit to Amsterdam…
    Anyway I digress Johnny No 1 played pretty well and was always in control even if at times I thought he had a side bet on the number of points he could give his
    opponent . A fairly easy win.
    Win 3-0 15-7 15-9 15-5
    Johnny one then headed off for an American Football night out, minus unfortunately the cheerleaders, hence none of us were tempted to join him.
    That left next on, the new boy Jonny 2 or how is Mum calls him Johnathan Neil playing at 5 against Sandy Niven. Sandy is of an age where Oasis or even Lady Ga Ga
    were something he was looking forward to researching in studying history at the big school next year. He had not even heard of the multiple singing and squash talents of
    Michael Jackson in our second team. Anyway you get the picture a youngster . As I have witnessed before looks can be deceiving when it comes to squash talents..look
    at our first team ,so Johnny 2 still had to be careful. As is Johnny 2 apart from maybe first night nerves…like my wedding night… settled into a rhythm, played it long and into the corners
    and won fairly easily in the end, so nothing like my wedding night.
    At one point Sandy who certainly acquitted himself well overall ,had a bit of a tiny tot tantrum and had a bit of the Neil Ross chuck the racket routine which gave further entertainment.
    Win 3-0 15-10 15- 11 15-7
    I then went on at 3 against Ryan Prentice . Apart from the usual mid court boosts that are crying out to be hit I was always I think in control
    Win 3-0 15-4 15-7 15-7
    Alastair McKenzie then stepped up at 1 against David Naylor . This again was more or less one sided, albeit David did get Alastair to mutter a few words your maiden aunt would not
    be accustomed to. The usual play it long and kill at the T sufficed.
    Win 3-0 15-6 15-6 15-5
    Last up was Paul Hannah at 4 against the token woman Rachel McNaughton . A hundred years after emancipation West squash leagues are still dominated by middle aged white semi literate males.
    Roll on the revolution ,over to you Mr Corbyn a white middle aged man. Anyway I actually thought Rachel was possibly the best of the Scotstoun team but who I am I to judge squash prowess.
    Paul played as usual precise squash shots that got Rachel chasing all over the court and the scores reflect a comfortable victory but as I said Paul had to work at it.
    Win 3-0 15-6 15-5 15-7
    Overall Win 18-0
    We went on to the Three Craws for food and we all reminisced over the delicious food we were missing at DLWE as we tucked into Nachos/Pizza/Chips and Onion rings.
    Scotstoun team, friendly bunch and I enjoyed the fact able to have a beer and walk home
    Now we are at the top of the league, just behind the fourth team who also have a great club, great coach and great players….two out of three aint bad…

  12. October 28, 2015 at 8:16 am

    Wednesday 21st October 2015 – 4th Team
    The 4th team juggernaut rolled on this week with a crushing victory away to Broomhill 3.

    We were 3-0 up before a shot was played due to Broomhill being a player short. This meant that Raymond Gauhl, who had been due to play at number five, was able to stay at home and watch his box set of ‘Dexter’.

    I was first on, at number three, against Craig McColl. The whole match was a bit of a struggle for me. My play was strangely lethargic (although not for the lack of trying), whereas Craig was getting everything back. Craig won the first and third games comfortably but I managed to win the second and fourth, mostly due to Craig making a few more errors. Into the fifth and I just about managed to get myself going. I led for most of the game but somehow still contrived to find myself match ball down. Fortunately I pulled myself together just in time to save it and come through 17-15 in the end. What a relief! It’s always nice to win a close one but I knew I’d won it more through bloody-mindedness than good squash. Game scores were 6-15 15-6 7-15 15-11 17-15. Last year at Broomhill I had to save six match balls before winning (who will ever forget the Miracle of Broomhill?), so I guess I’m learning to make it a bit easier for myself!

    After all this unnecessary excitement, I instructed the rest of the team to just go and win without any of the drama. And they didn’t let me down.

    Andrew Glen played at number two against Angus Thorburn, who is apparently also a member a David Lloyd West End. ‘I’m going to get some lessons from that Aussie coach’ Angus told me. ‘He’s not Australian’, I replied. ‘Oh’, said Angus, ‘he must be a Kiwi then.’

    The first two games of Andrew’s match with Angus were polar opposites. Andrew dominated the first game and looked like the inevitable winner. But in the second, Angus looked like the vastly superior player. Fortunately Andrew was able to reassert himself at the start of the third and eventually ran out a comfortable 3-1 winner (15-7 8-15 15-8 15-6).

    Next up was Alastair Brash, at number four, against Graeme Hutcheon. Alastair won the first game comfortably but had to mount a terrific comeback in the second to take a decisive 2-0 lead. Alastair let the third game slip through his fingers but went up a gear in the fourth to finish off his tiring opponent, 3-1 (15-8 15-13 13-15 15-4).

    Last but not least was Luke Steven, at number one, against Gerry Rainey. Gerry had been drafted in after not playing team squash for several years but he was clearly an experienced and talented player. Watching the early exchanges, I didn’t really fancy Luke’s chances against this wily veteran. Fortunately Luke had plenty of confidence in himself and his performance demonstrated why. Both players played some great squash and all the games were very tight. But Luke was just a little better in each one and ran out a 3-0 winner (15-12 15-13 15-12).

    So an 18-4 win for the fourths and we remain top of division 6, one point ahead of some mob of no-hopers called David Lloyd West End 3. Having only won three matches in the whole of last season, we’ve won three already this season. What a difference a year makes! Scotstoun 3 is the next flock of lambs to the slaughter. No doubt the records will continue to tumble!

  13. November 3, 2015 at 1:59 pm

    Wednesday 28th October 2015 – 1st Team
    I’d organised 6:30 PM starts for Doug and I against Hamilton last Wednesday, so obviously the match started about 7:15 PM! To be fair traffic is a nightmare about our club at match time and the Hamilton guys had to fight their way through the M8 traffic to boot.

    Doug eventually made it on first against Chris McGeady and I went on around the same time against Allan Mackay so I missed a lot of Doug’s match. However he appeared to dominate from the word go it appears and won his match 3-0 by keeping it simple and not letting Chris in for a moment.

    After our previous ding dong battles in the past couple of seasons I personally was really hoping not to have to pay Calum Philip again (!) so was delighted to hear that he’d challenged his way up to No.2 for this match. Like Doug, I also won 3-0 but my score line flatters me somewhat. Don’t get me wrong I thought I played really well and I was trying to mix it up against Allan. However I was lucky to win the third from 8-2 down, and in fact I was worried throughout the match that it could have gone either way at any time (including at 12-12 in the 2nd!). Win in three don’t lose in five as my old man always used to say to me (I can’t believe I’m quoting my dad! He’ll not let me forget this!)

    Next up at No.5 was Joe McDonald v Stephen Healy and this was a real tough one. Joe took the 1st game 11-9 but it was nip and tuck all the way. And it only got tighter from there on as the 2nd and 3rd game games were even closer and Joe unfortunately lost both of them 10-12. Stephen was really tricky to play and it was very difficult to predict his next shot. The 4th game was much easier for Stephen and he won it 11-6 as Joe tired. But an excellent tussle and a 3-1 win for Hamilton.

    Jason Lang took to the court next against Calum Philip. Calum apparently was apparently equally as relieved not to play me as I was not to play him! However it was out of the frying pan into the fire as he took on t’other Jason, who is very much in form. Having said that at 1-1 Calum was playing really well and crashing his normal shots all over the court and normally in the nic! However Jason managed to regain control and took the 3rd and 4th games by getting excellent leads in both and despite comebacks from Calum he had just too much of a lead

    Last on was Craig Valente-Wallace v Kenny Boyle at No.1. No Craig is loving his tough matches this year so it was no surprise that this one was going the whole way!
    An excellent 1st game for Craig was followed by a great comeback from Kenny as he went 2-1 up in the match. Craig clawed back the 4th to set up a grandstand finish on the 5th.
    Both men must have been very tired, but I suspect that Craig didn’t realise just how tired Kenny was becoming. Despite this Kenny gave it everything in the 5th and came home with a 3-2 win. However I would have liked to see Craig really make Kenny work in the 2nd and 3rd games and then see if the 5th went the same way. Obviously we will never know and fairplay to Kenny as he looks as sharp and determined as ever.

    So another excellent 3-2 win for the team and it was just in time for baked potatoes for dinner. This will have taken Jason back to his Renfrew days – it certainly took me back as well! And it was good to see that the 4th team did not nick all the food this week!

    I pointed my camera phone at Doug & Jase and said smile for the MOTM award guys, but I had it on ‘selfie mode’ obviously! (mind you Craig almost got it again this week).

  14. November 3, 2015 at 2:00 pm

    Wednesday 28th October 2015 – 2nd Team
    A breezy 18-0 victory for the second team cavaliers at SSRC 4 last night; the closest any of us came to getting anxious and a sweat on was when someone joked to Michael Jackson that all of the food was gone……
    On arrival we were informed that the 4th team were seriously depleted and that we were playing guys who usually turned out for the 5ths but had had to step up. They were decent fellas, but they had as much chance as the Christians in the Coliseum, and we all knew it…….
    First up, it was good to see our old friend Donald McKinnon, who was playing at 5 against Doctor Dave. Dave, jaw sticking out and with the physiognomy of Alexander the Great in his prime, commenced the whitewash. Nice line, length and rhythmn for the first nail in their coffin.
    Within 30 minutes of that Colin, Michael and I had all bagged our victories and were contemplating getting off to catch the end of Coronation Street. However, our ‘new boy’ playing at 2 Paul Treog’s opponent was however nowhere to be seen, but was allegedly ‘on his way’. We waited and waited, I knocked up with him for about half an hour. The Scarlett Pimpernell still hadn’t shown, and we were close to 9 pm by now. Eventually, he appeared, grumpy, thought he was playing at 5 – when he was told he was at 2 he looked about as happy as a penguin in a microwave. Paul then grannied him in the first game ( and Paul’s first ever game for DLWE – what a stellar way to announce your arrival on the scene (either that or there’s only one way to go from there……)) which didn’t appear to brighten his spirits any !! Paul polished him off in very short order from there.
    There will be stiffer tests ahead no doubt – but 4 out of 4 victories for the seconds so far. We also have SSRC 3 to play – including Rob McMillan – which will at least be entertaining. A continuous supply of garlic bread, pizza and chips kept MJ and the boys happy.
    Walking out, with SSRC located on a one way street, Dave commented that he had driven the wrong way down it and then turned his car around so no one would notice. So Dave !

  15. November 3, 2015 at 2:00 pm

    Wednesday 28th Oct 2015 – 3rd Team
    In touch with the ground

    I’m on a hunt I’m after you

    I smell like I sound I’m lost and I’m found

    And I’m Hungry like the wolf

    Duran Duran

    Now when it comes to look a likey we have a big guy who wears leg warmers , plays squash and is a hit with the ladies.

    That is Simon le Bon by the way not our Jason who has leg warmers.

    Anyway last Wednesday night the thirds faced the mighty Strathclyde thirds. Having disposed of the Uni seconds earlier on in the season
    I was reasonably confident. Especially when I heard our fourths had even beaten them.

    I turned up and for the first and probably only time was there before the rest of the team. I was able to watch the Uni boys have a bit of
    Team bonding on one court ,whereby four or five of them huddled together around a squash ball .. waiting for the wolves.

    I then went on first at three against Dan Rae who seemed to the oldest and most experienced of the lambs. As it was this wolf was in danger
    of being flayed as I narrowly won the first and lost the second badly. Jonny McDonald who had arrived ,said at the end of second stop hitting it
    too hard and for once I listened and won comfortably. On the 4th game at the start I had the mental picture of playing a fourth team guy and the
    next minute I was 14-0 up but as usual for the fourth team he got a lucky nick and I only won 15-1

    Win 3-1 15-13 6-15 15-8 15-1

    Up next was one of our Jonnies – Macdonald at 2 against David Ramsay. Jonny was basically too good and won convincingly . It was a long way
    from working at Campbelltown to play 30 mins of squash but shows the work ethic of the thirds as they strive to the top…or possibly there is bugger
    all to do in Campbelltown.

    Win 3-0 15-12 15-7 15-8

    Paul Hannah then played at 4 against Muhid Shahid who later in the night confessed to having been destroyed . Now Paul unlike most Lawyers
    or to be fair Accountants, is a nice guy and would not crow about his virtues but on the squash court there are many. Length placement technique etc
    are all there, a bit of running round like an idiot and he would be the complete package. Fitness every game is improving and it will be interesting to see on a five gamer
    how its improving, not that Paul will be wanting to found out too soon .

    Win 3-0 15-13 15-4 15-8

    I ,while Paul was playing, marked our second Jonny – Neil at 5 against Ben Mowie. Now this was Ben’s debut for the Uni and to continue the wedding night analogy from last week
    he could have 2 tablets of Viagra and still not got the job done. I refer to two tablets as David Mazzucco said this is the normal dosage although Al Baird has three. To be fair to
    Ben he ran around gamely and as all us have to go through, team squash is a hard lesson where only playing gets you better. Jonny played well and into the corners the drives went.

    Win 3-0 15-4 15-4 15-6

    Alastair McKenzie who has never seen Viagra in his life as being from the highlands a man is naturally vigorous….and sheep nervous, was on next at one . His opponent Saran Khan
    even before play started indicated he was due to play lower down the team ie he was not confident. So it transpired Alastair barely broke sweat and even did not have a good curse.

    Win 3-0 15-5 15-5 15-6

    Overall 18-1

    We all then repaired to the trendy Merchant City Bar where again Alastair and I were unable to catch the eye of any of the girls hockey team . Food and chat good, albeit partly
    my fault the thirds chatted about the merits of restaurants in the West End ..oh how the students were fascinated.

    The second of December is approaching for the fourths….Hungry like the wolf

  16. November 3, 2015 at 2:00 pm

    Wednesday 28th October 2015 – 4th Team
    It was top v bottom this week as the 4th team took on Scotstoun 3 at home. Scotstoun lost 18-0 to the 3rd team last week, so the pressure was on us to win convincingly and maintain our unbeaten start to the season.
    Luke Steven was first up, playing at number one against David Naylor. Luke wasn’t at it his best but he didn’t need to be. Right from the start, it was clear that Luke was going to win comfortably and it didn’t take him long to wrap up a 3-0 victory (15-7 15-11 15-10).
    Next on was Alastair Brash, playing at number five, against the 12-year-old Sandy Niven. Sandy had beaten Uncle Bill’s grandson in a junior tournament at the weekend, so it was up to Alastair to put him in his place (Alastair didn’t actually know anything about this, but why spoil a good revenge narrative!)
    Like Luke, Alastair wasn’t quite at his best but was never in any real danger of losing a game. Sandy put up a good fight in the first two games but faded a bit in the third. As the inevitability of defeat dawned on him, it looked like he was about to start crying. I know this feeling well! I was marking the match and, when Sandy looked right at me, tears welling up in his eyes, I was tempted to add a few points onto his score. But I was relying on Alastair for a lift home, so I thought better of it. 3-0 to Alastair it was (15-10 15-13 15-8). Then Sandy’s mum arrived with a piece of cake for him and all was well again.
    Andrew Glen played at number two, against Colin Tait. I didn’t see any of this one because I was on court at the same time but the game scores indicate an impressive performance from Andrew. Another 3-0 win for us (15-5 15-3 15-12).
    I played at number four, against Rachel McNaughton. Iain Beveridge said in last week’s 3rd team match report that Rachel looked like the best of the Scotstoun 3 players. Some of Iain’s views are a bit odd but I’d happily agree with him on this issue. The first game was very close and I was lucky to win it. I was playing right into Rachel’s strengths and failing to get a grip on the match. Despite some words of wisdom from Jason, I was even worse at the start of the second game. Perhaps Jason’s advice had a delayed effect because I managed to turn a 9-5 deficit into a 15-11 win. In the third game I actually played some decent squash to wrap up a 3-0 victory (15-13 15-11 15-5). It was a comfortable enough win in the end but I made it harder than it should have been.
    Rounding off the evening was Ewan MacAndie, playing at number three against Ryan Prentice. Ewan played well but wasn’t really pushed at any time by his opponent, who’s serve resembled a man drunkenly stumbling out of a pub. So a 3-0 win for Ewan (15-10 15-4 15-6)
    Our 18-0 win keeps us top of division six. Meanwhile, the 3rd team continue to lurch from crisis to crisis. They could only win 18-1 against Strathclyde Uni 3 and remain a point behind us in second place.
    Putting my realistic hat on for a moment, we’ve been lucky to face the weakest teams first. The next few weeks will tell us whether we’re serious promotion contenders or destined for mid-table obscurity. Up next is third-placed Linwood 2. Win this one and everyone will know we’re the real deal!

  17. November 6, 2015 at 11:20 am

    Wednesday 4th November 2015 – 1st Team
    First up today on Wednesday was me as I was greeted by a very keen Gavin (Picken) who was ready and raring to go. I was subsequently told that Gavin competed in Ironman events and had recently came 2nd in an impressive 105 mile competition (it was fortunate that no one told me this to start with as The thought of running round like a maniac all evening would probably have put me off).

    Anyway as we were knocking up I was testing out a few shots to see how Gavin reacted and I noticed that every time I gave him an easy backhand volley he didn’t take it, interesting! So the plan was hatched. If he was going to stand back that far I would see if my boast to his backhand would catch him out. Master plan! The first two games sailed by with me in complete control. His teammates were down in between games trying to point out the problem and as I went on for the 3rd Hamish said in a stage whisper “….and if that doesn’t work resort to violence!”

    Well Gavin came back on a changed man and he kept it deep on the backhand and started volleying everything and suddenly I was 0-6 down. Well I regained some composure and came back to eventually win the game and the match, before he was able to really work for me out. I must say he was lightning to any shots I played, so it was good to beat Ironman-105.

    While I was playing I noticed this blond bloke on the balcony, but didn’t recognise him at all and assumed he was playing for Western 2. When he passed me to go on court I again assumed it was one of their team wearing the same colour shirts as us; then their No.1 Mhairi went on with him and it struck me that it was actually Craig!?! Well he certainly wins the master of disguise prize! Anyway he played Mhairi Charlton and after Mhairi’s epic performance against us a few weeks ago (winning 3-1 for their 1st team) she was really up against it tonight. Craig was just physically too strong and could get all of her, (brilliant) shots and then he could twist and turn her with pace and power. Mhairi battled really well, but it was inevitable that Craig could turn up the power at any time and so he won 3-0.

    Next on was Jason Lang at No.2 against Hamish Foster. Jason also didn’t recognise Craig, but I did recognise the now familiar silky movement from Jason – and he doesn’t half whack the ball. Hamish was beaten for pace (he was also beaten for skill & movement!). It was a nice gentle run out for Jason and an easy 3-0.

    Doug went on next at No.4 against ‘Dangerous Dave Kelly’ and this turned out to be the match of the night. It was obvious that Doug’s Head wasn’t really in the game tonight and Dave took full advantage of this. At 1-2 down Doug would have to pull something out to win this one. Fortunately, ‘cometh the hour….’ and all that rubbish and Doug was determined to make a fist of it. Dave hasn’t played many team matches this season and so he was tiring quickly. Doug must have sensed victory because he upped the pace and subtly changed all of his crosscourt thwackes to include some good straight driving. The tide was turning! And so to the 5th! Grim determination saw Doug through this match to win 3-2 and this must have helped as i’m sure I saw him smile after!

    Joe went on at the same time as Doug so I lost I missed a lot of this one. He appeared to win the 1st reasonably easily (v Jon Moore) but then lost the 2nd. I watched the 3rd game and he played very well to dominate his opponent, keeping Jon on the end of every rally and tying him up at the back of the court. In-between games I went down and asked Joe how he managed to lose the 2nd as I had seen nothing to indicate he should have. So the (brilliant!) advice was as ever “Keep doing what you’re doing and don’t do what you did in the 2nd!” I then went back to watch the No.4 string and wasn’t massively surprised to hear that Joe had run out a 3-1 winner by getting an unassailable lead in the 4th (despite a mini come back from Jon).

    So an 18-3 win for us which I think is our first this season this season. And loads of pizza from the newly opened Western restaurant (including a goats cheese and sweet potato one, no really it was actually quite nice – especially with chilly sauce and chips. The food of athletes!)

  18. November 6, 2015 at 11:22 am

    Wednesday 4th November 2015 – 2nd Team
    The second team juggernaut, moving with the purpose of a Panzer division, rolled into the sub tropical environment of the Hamilton Ice Rink on Wednesday night to take on the bottom of the league Hamilton 4ths, for a free sauna with our squash game. No Michael Jackson this week as he opted to stay at home – mostly to avoid references to the King of Pop in the match reports I think – seems an ‘Off the Wall’ excuse to me.

    First up then was Doctor Dave, star of TV, against Phil Leek. Dave got off to a flyer, polishing off the first game to 5 and walking on water. Rapidly followed by descent into madness ( not the only one to do this tonight ) and contriving to lose the second 18-16. The ‘pep talk’ after that consisted of advice to ‘get your bloody act together’ and ‘do what you were doing in the first game’ – Dave did exactly that and won the next two to 5 and 7 – so a 3-1 victory.

    JT up next against Sophie York – so the ‘playing a girl’ pressure was on, somewhat ramped up by the knock up when it became evident that she knew how to play. So, doing his best to stay focussed, JT won the first to 7, and was 13-4 up in the second when he hit the mental ‘off’ switch – 2 minutes later she had won 11 points on the trot, and eventually she closed it off 17-15. Idiot boy. The ‘pep talk’ consisted of advice to ‘get your bloody act together’ and ‘do what you were doing in the first game’ – didn’t quite pick it up like Doctor Dave, but managed to just close out the next to 17-15, and the next to 10 – so, another 3-1 victory.

    Whilst I was making a meal of it against Sophie, our number 1 Colin Clark had got changed, gone on, won to 6, 4 and 9 against Tom Kane, got showered and changed again, did his emails, and was back in time to watch my last game. So, I didn’t see CC’s match – but he assures me that he was completely outstanding, and delivered a masterclass in power and control……

    On next at 3 was last weeks ‘Granny hero’ Paul Troel, against Liam Grimshaw. The crowd massed, expectant – after winning the first to 7, Paul really went for the granny in the next two, eyes narrowed, and despite playing like Robin Hood in the Nottingham super league and getting to 10-0 in each, he fell just short – to 3 and 2. Funny thing was when Liam shouted ‘Grannies Aff’ on both occasions – with some relief.

    Finally at 2 , and playing first match for the seconds was Findlay McGhee against Jim McFadyen. Impressive and collected squash from Findlay who closed out his opponent to 4, 8 and 9. Very satisfactory indeed, even if he did fall short of Paul’s ‘granny in the first ever game’ standard from last week.

    So, 18-2 to the seconds, who stay in prime position at the top of the league. There was actually a choice of Chicken Curry or Chilli – so a good show from our Hamilton hosts – MJ gutted to have missed that food, but thanks to modern technology we were able to email the scoresheet to MJ at Chez Jackson who then had the scores up on Sporty before 10 pm – impressive or what ??

    Back for ‘pasta surprise’ next Weds with SSRC 3 at home. C’mon !!!


  19. November 11, 2015 at 7:46 am

    Wednesday 4th November 2015 – 3rd Team

    “You just slip out the back, Jack
    Make a new plan Stan
    You don’t need to be coy Roy
    Just get yourself free
    Hop on the bus Gus
    You don’t need to discuss much
    Just drop of the key Lee
    And get yourself free “

    50 Ways to leave your lover – P Simon

    At home for the visit of Wanderers 2nds we had two goals ,win to put pressure on the 4ths on top of the table and enjoy the food afterwards.
    It is fair to say we approx achieved both.

    First up was the returning hero that makes the young women’s knees buckle and grannies swoon, yes David Mazzucco. Unfortunately it also made his opponent Jim Smith at 5, happy as well. I marked this game and David as you would maybe expect started badly and improved with every game . The problem was the trajectory of improvement did not tally with winning games . If as he should have had, won the third I am pretty sure he would have the match. His ring as he said is a bit rusty, cue the sniggers!

    Loss 0-3 11-15 8-15 14-16

    Johnny MacDonald played next against Vic Halec on the show court at 2 . Not much to report on this beyond always in control . These trips to Campbelltown seem to be helping his squash, have they got a good coach there!

    Win 3-0 15-6 15-10 15-8

    Paul then took on Peter Wynn at 4 . I was playing my game so did not see one point. I know Peter is a decent player so it was good to hear Paul continued his winning ways, 100% record, get him in the firsts!

    Win 3-1 15-9 15-10 14-16 15-9

    I at the same time played Craig Jones at 3. To say I was disappointed with my play is taking it lightly. Never showed any control and only kept in match by the old tactic of running round like a man getting chased by a savage dog, all arms, legs and no pattern. After winning the first I decided to have the same dream as the previous week of the fourth team player, this time I must have dreamt I was one as I lost that game 15-1. Close in the fifth but to be honest did not deserve to take the match.

    Loss 2-3 15-5 1-15 15-12 6-15 13-15

    This left the match result depending on Alastair at 1 against Tom Bowm. Alastair later told me Tom is a decent player but with myself marking I did not see it in the first two games. With a mixture of clever serves and domination of the T Alastair strolled the games. The only contrary event was an accidental clash where I felt Tom had got a bit close and Alastair caught him on the head with his racket. Sore but no blood.
    I don’t know if this fired up Tom or a combination of a couple of lets I gave but he played much better in the third and Alastair just kept in the game. At 12-12 Al hit a ball back court and thought Tom had double hit (as did other watchers ) I did not see, so ultimately called a ‘let’ which led Tom to take umbrage.
    He stormed off the court refusing to shake Alastair’s hand (I’m sure on reflection he regrets that) and headed for the hills.

    50 ways to leave a squash court

    Win 3-0 15-4 15-6 15-12

    Even with this international incident we tucked into decent food afterwards with the rest of the Wanderers, all decent guys and as usual Squash gives you it all, highs and lows.
    Top of the league, have we peaked too early or was that the fourths !

  20. November 11, 2015 at 3:57 pm

    Wednesday 4th November 2015 – 4th Team
    The 4th team encountered a minor bump on the road to inevitable promotion, in the form of an unlucky defeat at home to Linwood 2.

    The best action of the evening took place early on, with Luke Steven and Ewan MacAndie involved in simultaneous five-game thrillers. Luke played at number one against Frank Davidson, who looked old enough to be Luke’s grandfather but was a deceptively good player. When Luke won the first game I thought he might go on to win the match quite comfortably. But I’d underestimated Frank, who fought back to lead 2-1. Luke, however, simply isn’t capable of losing (at least that’s what he keeps telling us) and he upped his game to level at 2-2 and then edge a very close fifth game. All in all, an excellent performance from Luke, especially the way he played those crucial last few points when the match really could have gone either way. Final score was 15-13 10-15 10-15 15-9 15-13.

    Meanwhile Ewan was playing at number three against Allan Wright. Just like Luke, Ewan won the first game, lost the next two but fought back to win the fourth. What Ewan needed at this point was some incisive tactical advice from someone with a deep understanding of the game of squash. Cue Raymond Gauhl, who advised Ewan to ‘do more of what you did in the first and fourth games and less of what you did in the second and third.’ Fortunately the 3rd team’s Paul Hannah spotted the danger, shooed Raymond away and gave Ewan some proper advice. Having said all that, perhaps Ewan should just have listened to Raymond because he ended up losing the fifth game and the match 3-2 (15-13 8-15 11-15 15-11 8-15). Still, it was a valiant effort from Ewan. He was up against a good opponent and he wasn’t far off winning.

    Up next was me, at number four, against Kenny Wright. I breezed through the first game 15-5 and all was well with the world. What happened next was the stuff of squash nightmares. Right from start of the second game, Kenny was a different player. I’m still not sure what he was doing differently but I do know that I couldn’t cope with it. He wasn’t doing anything spectacular but I just couldn’t read his game at all. I kept trying hard in the hope of turning the match round again but it just kept getting worse and worse. I must have looked like I’d never played squash before. By the end, I was left feeling that I didn’t deserve to ever play again. Result was 3-1 to Kenny (15-5 2-15 5-15 4-15).

    Playing at number two this week, against Russell Forsyth, was the tastefully named Robert McNaught. This was Robert’s team debut. Like Ewan MacAndie and Andrew Glen, Robert is a Glasgow Academy boy. The proliferation of Glasgow Academy boys in the fourth team will be the subject of a future column (er, I mean match report).

    I didn’t see any of Robert’s match because I was marking on another court but it seems to have been a bit of a baptism of fire. He lost 3-0 (6-15 11-15 10-15) but he was unlucky to be making his debut against one of the top teams, whereas the rest of us have had a few easy wins against the minnows of division six to ease us into the season. I’m sure he won’t have long to wait for his first victory.

    Speaking of waiting a long time for your first victory, Raymond Gauhl played at number five against Blair Wright. I have no idea if Blair, Kenny and Allan Wright are all related to each other. I meant to ask but I forgot. Anyway, Blair completed a good night for the Wrights by stuffing Raymond 3-0 (3-15 9-15 5-15). It was a wholehearted but ultimately futile effort from Raymond, although he did win one epic point in the second game despite ending up in a heap on the floor with a nasty looking graze on his leg.

    So the result was 17-6 to Linwood, who go above us into second place. We are temporarily third. Keeping the top spot warm for us are the thirds, who had a controversial win over a noble and plucky Wanders team, thanks mostly to some dodgy umpiring from Iain Beveridge.

    Glasgow University 3 up next for the fourths. Expect normal service to be resumed.

  21. November 11, 2015 at 4:01 pm

    Wednesday 11th November 2015 – 1st Team
    A HOME match tonight against Giffnock 2nd team. I was first at the HOME venue, because it was at HOME and not away at Giffnock. Craig went to Giffnock!

    First on tonight at the same time was myself and Joe (McDonald) against Matthew Stout and Mark Coil respectively. I didn’t see Joe’s match but he told me that Mark was just too quick and too good and he lost 3-0.

    Matthew, my opponent, was also too quick and too good, but that didn’t deter me. Even at 0-2 down I was still desperately thinking of how to get myself in to a winning position. Fortunately for me, it was probably more to do with Matthew taking the foot off the gas than me playing amazingly (although I was quite pleased with my shots and change of pace) and I did sneak the 3rd game. The 4th was also close but Matthew always kept the lead and in retrospect I think I was lucky to get one game (and I strained my Achilles again! Sport hurts!).

    From the way things went tonight I felt like I lived every match, but in reality I only really saw one other game which was Jason (Lang) v Patrick O’Sullivan at No.2. These two had the longest warm up in the history of squash, but eventually graced the court with their presence. And it was worth the wait and this was a real cracker to watch. The games ebbed and flowed and just when I thought Patrick was on top Jason came back at him again and again. Inevitably this went to 5 and by this time both players had put a massive amount of work and were looking pretty tired. However this did not stop either of them from giving everything again in the last game. It was very close and (from memory) Jason had a chance to go 10-10, however he tinned one just at the wrong time and Patrick cleared up the crumbs to win 3-2. I’d give Patrick MOTM tonight for his performance (pleasure to ref as well – from both men).

    Craig turned up at last (via Giffnock) and with a damaged right hand, so we were treated to a very ‘Un-Craig-like’ performance from him as he lobbed and dropped his way through the match. I missed most of the match as I was marking Jason’s epic, but I joined it in the 5th! It was great to see Craig playing all the shots in the book and use the height of the court against Stuart Pitt at No.1. And it was a right ding-dong between them as well – craig had the better movement which kept him in it and time and again he fizzed an unplayable shot to keep him in the match. In the end this went all the way and either man could have won it, but it was Craig who held his nerve and won 3-2 (MOTM to Craig for playing with an injury and winning!).

    Doug was also on at the same time and he was playing Mark. I saw young Mark warm up and wondered if he had too many shots for his own good, but the answer to that was no! I only saw the last game and was also watching Craig at the same time (we had all 3 courts by that time) but Doug wasn’t able to get the ball behind his opponent often enough to use his strength. Having said that Mark was excellent and will be a top player in the future (still it’s always painful to loose to an apprentice welder – the goggles!).

    A real good squash match tonight, very enjoyable (and although I lost I’m taking credit for winning at No.4 in the 2nd team with the advice I gave to Michael Jackson!)

  22. November 11, 2015 at 11:11 pm

    Wednesday 11th November 2015 – 2nd Team
    Short match report from the Resurgent Seconds this week – due to the match reporter’s failure to arrive on time for the first two matches ; and in any event, one wouldn’t wish to intrude on the impressive competition between the 3rds and 4ths which is clearly now manifesting itself in the competing match reports – much to the admiration and entertainment of fellow travellers.


    before I had arrived both David Craig and Michael Jackson had closed out their matches 3-1

    whilst I was on Finlay McGhee won 3-0

    I lost 3-0 to our old mucker Rob McMillan ( Rob played well, I felt unwell and played total garbage )

    And we then all watched Colin ‘CC’ Clark put on the gas very impressively against a good opponent to finish him off 3-0. Sharp, dominant squash from our Col.

    So, 15-5 victory.

    The SSRC guys , I suspect having previously experienced the DLWE Pasta Supper Experience all left early before the food – except for Rob. However, there must be some sort of pasta shortage on at the moment as the humble baked potatto put in another appearance with the delicious accompaniments of tuna, beans and cheese. I kinda think that the Michelin star inspectors weren’t exactly expected. Rob declined potato offerings, I was not feeling like eating anything, and even Michael ( yes, note all, even Michael ‘Feed the World’ ( but only after me) Jackson ) could only manage one. Good chat with Rob though – this weeks subject = drinking during the week.

    The seconds bandwagon rolls on !


  23. November 19, 2015 at 2:15 pm

    Wednesday 11th November 2015 – 3rd Team

  24. November 19, 2015 at 2:15 pm

    Wednesday 11th November 2015 – 4th Team
    Week 6 – 11/11/2015 – Glasgow Uni 3 (Away)

    Luke Steven was made to work hard by Craig Everett but came through 3-2, as we all knew he would (13-15 16-14 13-15 15-13 15-9)

    Robert McNaught played superbly to secure his first ever win for the team, 3-2 against Ollie Edwards (9-15 15-11 9-15 15-13 15-11)

    Ewan MacAndie played well in patches but lacked the consistency to match Josh O’Donovan and lost 3-0 (11-15 10-15 10-15)

    I forgot to start playing until the third game and was soundly thrashed, 3-0, by Tom Jakeman (15-7 15-4 15-13)

    So it all came down to the last game between Alastair Brash and Ross Simpson. Alastair lost the first two games but fought back bravely to level at 2-2. Alastair was really fired up and we were pretty confident he was going to win now. Alas, we were wrong and it was Ross who won the final game and the match, 3-2 (15-5 17-15 13-15 11-15 15-10)

    If Alastair had won that last game, we’d have had the unusual score of 12-12. But, as it was, the students won 16-8. A frustrating result but far from fatal to our promotion prospects.

  25. November 19, 2015 at 2:33 pm

    Wednesday 18th November 2015 – 1st Team
    At 3pm today I was in sunny Spain having a relaxing time on the beach, but just aPicture2 few hours later I battled my way through Storm Barney (when did we start naming storms?) to reach Strathgryffe a little late, at around 7.15pm – but it turns out I was very early!
    First up tonight and starting early (as he had to leave early) was Joe against Dave at number five. When I arrived the pair were having some humongous rallies and I thought this must be really close. However I soon learned that they were just playing a friendly as Joe had already won! Well he obviously wasn’t that keen to get away! Still 3 points on the board for us!
    The number 4s went on next as Doug took on Graham Proud. I had never seen Graham play before and was impressed with his range of shots. This wasn’t one of Doug’s finest games however and he was well beaten.
    My opponent still hadn’t turned up so next on at No.1 were Craig against Martin Woods. This was an interesting game as it appears that Craig is now in a position to really challenge Martin. I had the pleasure of marking this one and I said to both players before they went on “Call your own pickups and don’t moan at my decisions” Craig replied that he could only do one of these requests so I would have to pick!
    This game was all about whether Craig could put enough physical pressure on Martin to tire him out. After the 1st I was sure he could, but when Martin came back and won the 2nd things were not quite as certain. However Craig knuckled down and really made Martin work harder and harder as the match progressed. It was soon obvious that Martin didn’t have the legs to run all of Craig’s rallies down. So a good 3-1 win for Craig – although neither man seem to want to take the last point and in the end it took an amazing fluke from Craig to secure the match (I would be inclined to give Craig MOTM again this week).
    Still no sign of my opponent so on at No.2 was Jason Lang returning to his old club against Ross (Red) Lawrie. Jason has been playing very well recently and so I thought he would be too strong for Ross. But squash constantly surprises you and Ross was playing brilliantly and his range of shots was amazing. Every time Jason went cross-court, Ross was on it in a flash and often volleying away a winner or playing some ridiculously good shot!
    So could Jase keep the ball to a good length and straight? Well at 2-2 in games it appeared that he couldn’t do it often enough; so now it was anyone’s game! Ross was putting away all services on the volley time after time and Jason was struggling to straighten the shots, so consequently Ross was dominating the ‘T’ and putting Jason’s cross-court returns away. It was all very close in the end (about 10-10) and it was a shame that the match finished on a stroke, but there you have it and Ross fully deserved the 3-2 victory. MOTM to Ross for them I would say.
    Still no sign of my opponent Dave McCormack at 9:05pm – however I was told that he was on his way direct from work. We eventually started around 9:30pm and I was told later that we finished just 12 minutes later. I won 3-0 quite comfortably although the last two rallies in the 3rd game were particularly tough.
    So I went for a shower, but Dave just put his clothes on and went back to work (well that’s the first for me in 35 years of league squash!).
    The pizzas were even later than Dave! But they were worth waiting for especially the vegetarian one! We chatted all things squash and what could be better than that for a Wednesday night out!
    And later, when I did that Facebook thing to see what the main words that I used on Facebook this year were, I don’t think anyone will be too surprised to see the results!

  26. November 19, 2015 at 2:34 pm

    Wednesday 18th November 2015 – 2nd Team
    A bright and breezy 18-0 for the seconds at home to Western 5 last night – with all the boys on fine form – Colin, Finlay, Paul, Michael and Doctor Dave all in the 3-0 and ‘no mercy‘ zone – and ensuring that we stay ahead of the pack at the top of the league in number 1 spot.
    The match reporter didn’t actually see any of the games (save the last two minutes of Finlay’s) but according to Colin, Colin played outstanding, high calibre and impressive squash at an impeccable standard, albeit against an opponent who used all his best shots up in the warm up. Colin did manage to incessantly mention in the post match chat that he is away on holiday to Atlanta the next two weeks, demonstrating poor commitment to the cause and alienating his team colleagues, but expects us still to be top of the table on his return. No pressure then.
    Paul, following his spectacular ‘granny’ in his first ever team match a few weeks back is determined to show that it was no fluke and is in hot pursuit of granny number 2. No luck this week, not helped by his losing the first point in two of his games. The voice in his head that screams ‘granny’s aff’ is now getting louder and louder every week, it’ll soon be driving him mad going round and round in there…………
    Post match chat, led by our master in world affairs (aka King of Pop Michael Jackson), was the theme of ‘how do you nuke ISIS ?’ – we managed to think of a few options that probably haven’t occurred to NATO yet….
    What redemptive qualities that there may have been in the mushroom pasta were obliterated by the amount of congealed cheese sitting on top of it – not that that put Dave off a massive plateful and seconds. Close examination to determine whether they were porcini, shiitake or chanterelle mushrooms could only conclude that they were in fact ‘cheesy mushrooms’.
    The Seconds Roadshow rolls back into the sauna at Hamilton next week

  27. November 25, 2015 at 3:15 pm

    Wednesday 18th November 2015 – 3rd Team
    ‘We’re on the march wi Ally’s Army
    We’re going tae the Argentine
    And We’ll really shake them up
    When we win the world Cup
    Cause Scotland is the greatest Football Team “

    Andy Cameron

    Short report this week like a Scotland participation at World Cups(Home before the Postcards)

    As a boy I remember 78 and the feeling Scotland were onto something…. Those were the days
    England didn’t qualify and Scotland’s squad was so good that the player of the year in England did not
    even make the squad (I will let anyone interested ,Google the answer).

    So it is with the Thirds we are now among the favourites to win the league , our squad is so good that
    players such as David Mazzucco player of the year 1971 is not guaranteed a spot.

    Are we at the hubris stage and is a Peru waiting in the sidelines or is it that the 4ths !

    Scotstoun 2nds were no Iran and whilst not scoring like Archie Gemmil we ran out comfortable winners

    The bare facts

    At one Alastair played Mark Dodd and I saw some of this and was a routine victory

    Win 3-0 15-8 15-10 15-7

    Johnny Macdonald on at 2 against Tom Blaker again a routine victory(Had a wobble in the third game)

    Win 3-0 15-9 15-11 16-14

    Me at three kept the run above going, against Graham Jones

    Win 3-0 15-7 15-5 15-8

    Cameron Gauhl on his debut for thirds looked particularly good giving the selectors ie Jason further problems
    Playing at 5 against I thought decent player won comfortably

    Win 3-0 15-9 15-7 15-4

    That left Paul at 4 against Brian Canty , the usual above result ,no hang on a minute Paul remembering
    perhaps Scotland missed penalty against Peru managed to lose one game (He said not to mention that)

    Win 3-1 15-9 15-8 13-15 15-8

    Overall 18-1

    The march to Argentine goes on ,top of the league, what can go wrong !!

  28. December 9, 2015 at 3:07 am

    Wednesday 18th November 2015 – 4th Team
    Week 7 – 18/11/2015 – Newlands 8 (Away)

    It was my turn to be ‘rotated’ this week so I sat this one out. But, being a conscientious captain, I made sure to keep in touch with proceedings. By the end of the night, Alastair Brash must have been thoroughly sick of my texts asking ‘Have we won yet?’ Anyway, here’s a summary of events:

    Luke Steven lost 3-2 to Cameron Moss (20-18 16-18 11-15 17-15 11-15). How this could have happened, I have no idea. Luke assured us at the start of the season that he was literally unbeatable. But there you go. Hopefully this setback won’t dent his fragile self-confidence too much.

    Andrew Glen beat Frank Logie 3-0 (15-9 16-14 16-14). It’s always a good sign when you can sneak those close games.

    Robert McNaught beat Anthony Pelosi 3-0 (15-2 15-9 15-12). Very refreshing to have a Robert in team who can actually play squash.

    Ewan MacAndie lost 3-1 to Calum Young (15-11 10-15 10-15 13-15). Sounds like a close match that could have gone either way. Apparently Calum is related to Orla Young, which means he must be good. And the following week he beat Iain Beveridge, which means not very much at all…

    Alastair Brash, for the second consecutive week, found himself 2-0 down. And, for the second consecutive week, he fought back to 2-2. But, unlike the previous week, he was able to complete the comeback and secure a hard-fought 3-2 victory over Alastair MacLeod (10-15 14-16 15-11 15-11 15-13). ‘You need to stop losing the first two games’, I texted Alastair afterwards. ‘Yeah but I won’ was his reply. Point taken!

    So the final score was 15-8 to us, the push for promotion is back on and I’m starting to suspect that non-playing captain may be my best position.

  29. December 9, 2015 at 3:07 am

    Wednesday 25th November 2015 – 2nd Team
    There was a total shock for the seconds on Wednesday night, sort of thing that left everyone speechless, gobsmacked – but more of that later……..
    It was in fact an ice cool performance from the caballeros of the second team in the sweltering conditions of the Hamilton Squash Courts on Wednesday night – having disposed of Hamilton 4 there a few weeks back, the stiffer (ooh matron !) challenge of Hamilton 3 awaited. It’s never ‘no sweat’ there, but we were always in control, even if Colin Clark decided he had better things to do like go to Atlanta for two weeks (lightweight excuse). The Hamilton team shirt is a killer – bright fluorescent dayglo greens/yellow and sponsored by ‘The Bellshill Barber’ (a good pseudonym for suspect number 1 in all the unsolved Lanarkshire murder cases I would think …….) – but that didna faze us.
    In short, we all bar one won 3-0. We all included:
    David Craig – Always in control despite losing first 4 points – I only got to see some of his match as I was rather preoccupied playing My Little Pony games with Elvie – good fun ( and much better than talking to my team mates)
    Finlay McGee – quite a tough opponent, Finlay’s fitness coming through in the end
    JT – another toughie against someone I lost twice to last year
    Paul Treen – he got to 10-0 up in the first, glory beckoned (again !), before losing a point and the Granny being “aff”
    On this occasion it was Michael ‘Smooth Criminal’ Jackson who committed the offence and spoiled the clean sheet, only winning 3-1. He also managed to break the strings in two rackets during the match – hitting it too hard ‘Off the Wall’ I reckon.
    So , 18-1 victory – get in !!
    Oh yeah – the shocker – On repairing to the Hamilton lounge for their excellent Chicken Curry MJ declared that he wasn’t hungry and didn’t want anything to eat. Stunned. You could hear a pin drop. He explained that he had had a big steak and chips for lunch – Paul immediately accused him of lack of match preparation ( and general lack of commitment to the cause similar to that of Colin ‘Stateside’ Clark ), by comparison to his own meticulous vitamin/ isotonic preparation. MJ however couldn’t resist , and went and got his curry – phew, normal service resumed. Meanwhile Finlay claimed ‘student rights’ whilst availing himself of a second helping. Good chat with the Hamilton guys.
    Subjects of conversation during the night included :
    – My Little Pony ( of course)
    – my own disbelief that teammates had never heard of the poetry of Robert Service – check out Johnny Cash’s version of The Cremation of Sam McGee on YouTube. (Hopefully no relation to our Finlay)
    – whether it is possible to truly enjoy a big steak and chips without red wine ( MJ led conversation)
    – and of course how damn hot the courts were ( that’s a standing item in any discussion at Hamilton)
    Still top of the league – next week Newlands 7 (7 ???) chez nous – c’mon

  30. December 9, 2015 at 3:07 am

    Wednesday 25th November 2015 – 3rd Team

  31. December 9, 2015 at 3:08 am

    Wednesday 25th November 2015 – 4th Team
    Week 8 – 25/11/2015 – Wanderers 2 (Home)

    Wanderers were slightly understrength for this one due to their number one having suffered a heart attack. I’m sure Iain Beveridge’s dodgy marking from two weeks previously played absolutely no part in this. Apparently he’s recovering well, which is good. Team squash can be very competitive at times, and rightly so. But it does rather put things in perspective when you hear news like that.

    Luke Steven was back to winning ways this week, beating John McTiernan 3-1 (15-6 18-16 17-19 15-6). He should probably have wrapped it up more easily but a win is a win.

    Andrew Glen beat Tom Clancy 3-0 (16-14 15-12 18-16). Once again, Andrew showed the useful knack of playing his best squash on the big points. It was a really good win against an opponent who posed a clear and present danger throughout the match.

    Robert McNaught beat Peter Wynne 3-0 (15-8 15-6 15-10). I didn’t see much of this match but, from what I did see, it was another very impressive performance from Robert.

    Ewan MacAndie had a tough 3-2 loss to Jim Smith (16-14 5-15 7-15 15-5 9-15). Jim wasn’t exactly the most mobile of squash players. In fact, watching him hobble around the court was almost painful. So it was it really quite remarkable that he still managed to cover the court well enough to beat a talented youngster like Ewan. It was a real lesson in how technique and experience can keep you competitive once your physical powers are on the wane.

    I lost 3-0 to Mike Dewar (11-15 9-15 11-15). It was a match I never felt entirely out off. But, on the other hand, I was never really in it either.

    Final score was 14-7 to us. We’re fourth in the table, one spot behind the promotion places. Next up are the vastly overrated David Lloyd West End 3, who find themselves top of the table more through luck than talent. The full 18 points are ours for the taking!

  32. December 9, 2015 at 3:08 am

    Wednesday 2nd December 2015 – 1st Team

  33. December 9, 2015 at 3:08 am

    Wednesday 2nd December 2015 – 2nd Team
    “The Girl Is Mine,
    The Doggone Girl Is Mine” Michael Jackson ( and Paul McCartney )

    ” Don’t mention the war – or the girl – I think I did once but I got away with it ” JT to Drs Dave and Paul ( Troon, not McCartney, 10 pm on 01/12/15 )

    Sometimes , less is more; saying a little says a lot – so I will ‘skirt’ around the main talking point from our adventure at home against W7 and leave it to what imagination the reader may possess to fill in the blanks………

    Another satisfactory evening for the seconds with a 17-4 victory – and possession of the leagues top spot at the Christmas break half way point beckons……

    First up was Doctor Dave – sporting as usual his and our favourite sports fashion item – the 70’s style sky blue trackie top – which reminds me, I think that next year’s team shirts ( as sponsored by the fantastic Kelvin Financial Planning of course ) should be in the sky blue colour as a tribute – or perhaps they could get us all replica matching trackie tops too ?? – anyway, after a sluggish start, Dave got it together winning the first 16-14, then breezing lightly through the rest of the match to take it 3-0. Great start, points on the Board.

    Next , I went on Court 3 against Bryn Boland, whilst Michael went on Court 2 against young Orla Young – oh, how the young bucks from the fourth team ( absolutely great to see so many young lads playing, where did they all come from all of a sudden ??) crowded round to watch Michael knock up, or perhaps it was Orla they had their eyes on ?? At least her Dad was on hand to ensure good order was maintained.

    I had a tough one against Bryn who really pushed me hard, but I came through 3-1 in the end. Michael fought back from 2-0 down to level it, before losing 15-13 in the fifth. So tight, the margins between winning and complete humiliation.

    So, with the match at 2-1 in our favour, Finlay goes on against a good opponent, promptly went 10-0 up in the first ( no granny tho – it was then ‘aff’ ), and kept in front all the way in from there – although in must be said that there was some excellent squash from both, and some really tight points. Finlay is just so quick around the court, a significant factor in his 3-0 win.

    With the match in the bag then, Paul ‘Granny’ Treen goes on at number 1, determination and concentration written all over his face – and what a crowd pleaser he is !! Yep, just like Britney, he went and done it again with a granny in the first game, winning second to 6, and third to 1. He did actually win 15 points on the trot from second to third, so not bad stuff – he will have nightmares about the ‘1’ in the third though, and his post match postulation that ‘ had it gone up, it would have been an excellent shot’ was nothing but a thin veil over the depth of despair of knowing that he would have got the two grannies in one match special prize of free pints all night on club night out from Colin ‘still stateside, that’s how committed I am to the team’ Clark.

    So, 17-4 and still tops.

    Good banter from the Western guys over ‘luncheon’ – ubiquitous veggie pasta ( only Dr Dave went for second helpings ! ) – the main topics of conversation being :
    – that thing that I am not going to mention
    – keeping builders keen (!)
    – lime wood not burning very well in the Jackson stove
    – whether we could get some meat with the food if we paid a ‘meat supplement’
    – the health benefits of watching females trampolining ( a Dr Dave led politically not very correct discussion )

    Neither the thirds nor the fourths thanked us for allowing them to use ‘our ‘ court for their little face off – looking forward to the reports on all that…….

    Next week – University Challenge


  34. December 9, 2015 at 3:09 am

    Wednesday 2nd December 2015 – 3rd Team
    DLWE 3 V DLWE 4
    “I could tell the meaning of a word like serene
    I could get some O Grades when I was sixteen
    I can tell the difference between margarine and butter
    I can say “Saskatchewan” without starting to stutter

    But I can’t understand why we let someone else rule our land
    We’re Cap in Hand “

    The Proclaimers

    As I thought of this report I considered the song to start. The list of triumphal ones are many , we are the champions etc
    or the pure football chants ie He’s big he’s mean he’s our number 1, Al Mackenzie etc.

    However I then thought how would I annoy the fourths, most of the team are at the age when Taylor Swift is a teenage dream and
    the Rolling Stones are a Geography lesson so maybe music is not relevant .
    Thus it came down to my fellow reporter in the fourths and noted no campaigner Robert, hope you enjoy the song…

    I arrived on Wednesday night to find most of the players there standing around the bike sheds. I tried to get us started but was informed by the boys that they were
    hoping to wait for their Coach. I had expected the fourths to take the match seriously but bringing along a coach … do they make a

    Anyway we could wait no longer as tension filled the air and thus Jonny Neil playing at 5 started things off against Ewan McCandie.
    Luke Skywalker sorry Steven was keen to mark so Jonny was already at a disadvantage. However he played well and the long looping
    left drive and studied drops at the front got Ewan in trouble from the first. As all the games would show Ewan probably deserved more
    as he gave all and hit a variety of excellent shots but Jonny just too consistent in placement and speed.

    Win 3-0 15-10 15-5 15-11

    On court one at the same time was probably the highlight of the evening as Johnny Macdonald and Cameron Gauhl played I thought a blinder of
    a match. Excellent shots were produced from the start and overall I thought Jonny played his best game of the season.. he had too.
    Cameron after losing the first two games managed to lose the third having had at least 5 game points . Alternatively you could say Jonny won the match
    saving 5 game points. It was an excellent match reminding me of Jason and Doug McMillan’s exhibition matches albeit at a faster pace.

    Win 3-0 15-8 15-10 18-16

    I then went on at 3 against Andrew Glen. Andrew is certainly a good prospect for the club and with his coach there, gave a good account of himself.
    All our games were close and I had to play some of my best squash this season. His coach certainly had lots to say between each game whether it was
    You can’t lose to this …. I don’t know but ultimately I took the match . As an aside our resident coach for the thirds is Paul who as someone who has
    witnessed a few matches in his day always has useful advice. The previous week against Newlands Alastair was in a bit of bother ,had lost a game, looked
    knackered and had got the run a round . He looked at Paul for a bit of sagacity and Paul said about his opponent …”I do not see any weaknesses”
    Fortunately Alastair was inspired and went on to the match . Anyway my result

    Win 3-1 15-12 10-15 15-12 15-13

    Paul then played at 4 with Robert McNaught . This proved to be again a good old one against a good young one….age always triumphs or I always thought
    and then saw Michael “Its Bad” Jackson playing for the seconds had lost to Orla Young, who I think is starting or has started high school. Anyway I digress
    Paul with the usual placement and shot selection extended his unbeaten run . To be fair to Robert, Paul was certainly not fresh as a daisy by the end.

    Win 3-0 15-4 15-9 15-13

    With the clamour to appear for DLWE, we were able to have in addition to the five counting matches an exhibition match between the thirds legend
    David Wilson and the fourths hoping to be a legend Robert McNicol . I marked this match and was richly entertained . David won the first two at a canter
    but somehow Robert dragged himself into the match and it went to a fifth . Enjoyably neither player looked at the match as a friendly and Robert
    uttering more Yes’s than Meg Ryan took the match . Well played to both

    Loss 2-3 15-12 15-7 11-15 9-15 8-15

    That left the last match at one with Darth Vader Al Mackenzie taking on Luke . Again like all the matches you can see the quality improvement in all players
    and it was good to watch. Al just had too much for Luke, with his volleying mid court in particular producing a bundle of points. Luke played well
    but to no avail the Empire did strike back.

    Win 3-1 15-12 12-15 15-8 15-5

    Overall 18-2

    Food later was enjoyable for the thirds ,even the overdone Pasta tasted okay. For once Luke was not quite Tigger from Pooh and was almost quiet !
    Robert also did not mention “we do our talking on court” but anyway a hard fought series of matches which augurs well for the future of both teams

  35. December 9, 2015 at 3:09 am

    Wednesday 2nd December 2015 – 4th Team

  36. December 16, 2015 at 12:48 am

    Wednesday 9th December 2015 – 1st Team
    A real tough match on Wednesday against top of the table (and 2014/15 champs) Giffnock 1 (it was a task akin to Bournemouth going to Chelsea! Except they played nothing like Chelsea and we played nothing like Bournemouth!)

    On first on was Joe McDonald against Patrick O’Sullivan at No.5 (Patrick has already played against us for the 2nd team…. at No.2!). I will gloss over the first game and definitely won’t mention the granny (!) – but after that Joe did really well by dragging Patrick into his game. So much so that he almost nicked the 3rd game and only lost 16-14

    I (Jason Broadberry) went on next against Owen (Haddaway – baby don’t hurt me) Hadden at No.3. This was a bit of a non-game as I suspected it might be. I tried to play a lot straighter as that was the only thing that was keeping me in the rally (but only by a few shots per rally). I could go into all the technical reasons that Owen is much better than me but needless to say I got chopped 3-0 (Haddaway hurt me!).

    Doug went on next against Naill Morris at No.5 and played really well in patches, including nicking the 2nd game (a team point is gold dust tonight). It was good to see him turn it up this week, having said that he played rubbish in patches as well! But then I can hardly talk as I was much worse! Still he was really up against it as Naill has only lost one game in about 3 years! (I remember the day Naill – you could be like me in a few years! Remember inside every old person is a young person wondering what the f*** happened!)

    Next up was Jason Lang against James Singh at No.2 and as they went on court Owen said to James ‘and you can put your fishing rod away if I’m marking as well!” – he didn’t!

    This was always going to be a tough one as both players are young and can get anything – and so it proved. James got the first, but only because of a couple of mistakes at the business end of the game (and a stroke on game ball) and then went 2-0 up with some good tactical advice (and another stroke on game ball). Jase came back in to win a lung busting 3rd, but James had plenty left to win the match 3-1.

    Craig went on next at number one against Stuart George. He played particularly well in the first game as Stuart was slightly off the pace, and he managed to sneak this one. After that I felt that Craig lost a little bit of belief. Don’t get me wrong Stuart really stepped it up, but I felt Craig didn’t really take the momentum of the first game into the rest of the match. Having said that he did very well to secure another team point so fair play to him, but Stuart was ruthless for the rest of the match and won 3-1.

    Well all of our team disappeared in a steady stream, so it was left to me to talk to the Giffnock lads over about 20 pizzas! James Singh had 4 chips for dinner and was completely full! Whereas Owen and I had about four pizzas each! And you’ll never guess who was the only one to have a beer all night!

  37. December 16, 2015 at 12:49 am

    Wednesday 9th December 2015 – 2nd Team
    Another satisfactory evening for the seconds with a 14-7 victory against the students at Glasgow University, however as usual it was not without a few twists and turns ( most notably of Colin ‘Lo, I have returned from America to save the seconds ‘ Clark’s calf muscle ) – and one which left Michael ‘Ma ma se, Ma ma sa, Ma Ma Coo Sa’ Jackson a much happier camper, even though he wasn’t actually playing for the team following ‘Girl Gate’ the previous week……
    Don’t ya just love the students……bright, chatty, fun, and dead honest and straightforward too – as evidenced in the first match – David Craig playing at 1 against Blake managed to lose the first 18-16, then at 14-14 in the second, despite referee Dr Dave giving Blake the point, Blake insisted he had done a double bounce – something nobody inc DC saw – and DC then went on to win it 17-15 and then to close out the match 3-1. Big up Blake I say – setting a standard that , one would observe, a few others fall short of. Oh, how we could learn a few things from the young ones…….
    Next up was JT at 4 who with a cold/virus thing was not a well boy (spent the morning trying to get out of playing, and the afternoon in bed ). Turned up and ran around a bit in a trance like condition against Jesse who beat me 3-0. Not good.
    Dr Dave and his sky blue trackie top went on next , excellent performance against Lawrie and a 3-0 victory in the bag.
    Colin had drawn the ‘oh no – I gotta play a girl’ card that Michael drew last week – Becky was particularly bright and chatty – and damn, the knock up revealed that 1 – she was a leftie ; and 2 – she had clearly been well coached and knew what she was doing. The little MJ voice worm was clearly going round and round inside Col’s head as he managed to drop shot into the tin on a very frequent basis in the first which he construed to lose from a winning position in most rallies. The Col comeback brought him back to a 2-1 lead before his calf popped in the fourth and he had to concede the match injured – bad luck indeed for our returnee – but as a beaming (I imagine, cos he wasn’t actually there, but managed to send a lot of text traffic) MJ noted, the actual recorded score shows that CC lost 3-2, emulating MJs feat of the week before. Col was quick to point out that at least his opponent had actually left High School, rather than had not actually started it yet…….
    So, with the match at 2-2, cometh the hour, cometh the man, Paul Treom against our good friend Gregor McMurray. Gregor has clearly improved in the last few months, and whilst our very own granny specialist got nowhere near repeating previous granny glories, Paul still had way too much for Gregor, and bagged a 3-0 victory. Nice work
    So 14-7 overall. The students took us to a great little bar round the corner, nice beer, decent pizza and chips ( including a contender for the longest chip ever world record ( Colin disposed of the evidence smartly)), and good company, despite some of them actually having exams the next morning.Oh, to be young again…….
    Next weeks final first half match home vs Parklands, who are second to us in the league, so a decent victory against them would leave us all sitting , but not necessarily looking, pretty at the top for the Christmas break.
    C’mon !!

  38. December 16, 2015 at 12:49 am

    Wednesday 9th December 2015 – 3rd Team

  39. December 16, 2015 at 12:49 am

    Wednesday 9th December 2015 – 4th Team

  40. January 11, 2016 at 9:47 am

    Wednesday 15th December 2015 – 1st Team

  41. January 11, 2016 at 9:47 am

    Wednesday 15th December 2015 – 2nd Team
    I had done my research before agreeing to play on Wednesday and had an answer to the big question.

    Within 30 seconds of arriving at’Club ( say that in your mind with a Yorkshire accent – and add ‘lad’ onto it as in “at’Club lad” ) Paul asked me that big question and I was able to assure him that no, there weren’t any girls playing in the Parklife (also known as Parklands ) team – relief all round………

    Well, this was our last match of the first half of the season, and having won every one so far we did not want to give an inch (ooh matron !) to our closest contenders – and we didn’t !! – as we delivered a crushing 17-3 victory and sent them back to the Park, to think again…..

    With David Craig having to play up in the firsts ( due apparently to Joe McDonald’s complete lack of commitment to the team ) and Colin still nursing both his pride ( after the Becky-Gate alleged calf injury scandal of the previous week ) and his hangover after 2 halfs of lager at the club ‘bash’ on Saturday night ; first up was Rockin’ Robin MJ at 3 getting off to a flyer (10-0 up in the first game) against an opponent who was not averse to chancing it a bit , but our man from Norn Iron kept his cool and focus, closing out a 3-0 victory with panache.

    Next up, I went on at 4, whilst simultaneously “Mr Blue Sky” Doctor Dave Ritchie and the trackie top was playing at 5. My opponent was quite a big lad, but could hit the ball beautifully and had some great angles – I knew that if I could make him move I had a decent chance, but if I played it to him he would kill me. At 12-3 up in the first I thought I had it nailed, but about 90 seconds later at 13-13 in the first I thought he had me nailed. Anyways, I squeaked through that 16-14, and the second 15/13 and eventually ran out a 3-0 win, phew !

    Meanwhile on centre court Dr Dre was at 2-2 but 13-10 down. He battled bravely to get back to 13 a piece, including volunteering to play a let on a point we all thought he had won cleanly, only to then tin a drop shot with his opponent stranded at the back and looking the other way – we all felt the pain big time as the Doc lost 3-2

    Finlay playing at 2 was outstanding , some really good tight shots, and running everything down, so good to watch. Nice and easy 3-0 and top marks.

    Finally, our other man from Norn Iron, Paul Teron at 1. Paul seems determined not to wear the team shirt ( as sponsored by the most excellent Kelvin FP of course ), he claims because it’s in the wash, but in reality it’s because he thinks he’s special and different…….Anyway, Paul breezed through his match as per usual, no granny ( boo !) – but his opponent did remark that he wished he’d had his pint of Amstel before the match, not after it. 3-0, bish bash, good work.

    So , 17-3 and looking good – can we keep it up ???

    Main talking point of the night was the food – not quite melt in your mouth seafood linguine, but still a very decent ( yes, it was ) seafood pasta – which everyone, yes everyone, went up for second helpings of – so, that’s a first for the season. Praise where it’s due. They were a good bunch , main talking points being :

    We are top of the league, you’re not, you’re not

    Michael’s best school friend has had a sex change operation, and when Facebook contact was made he wondered who this bird was who was chatting him up…….

    Michael deciding to bunk off school the day that a bomb went off nearby in Belfast ( going missing at times like that caused stress for the Jackson parents )

    Finlay’s quick disappearance the moment his girlfriend turned up – well, they had been apart for over an hour, and he probably had some energy still left to expend……

    Coupled with Finlay offering £15 as a contribution to the £20 he owed for the food over the weeks , bloody students

    Why have diet Pepsi and then go for two helpings of pasta

    We are top of the league, and you’re not

    And of course, in the firsts match Doug lost to a girl ( albeit a very good girl ), which rekindled fond memories of Michael’s ‘Orla anguish’ and the missing Colin’s ‘Becky Gate’ matches, which are becoming a subject of reflection, justification, joy and pain.

    All to be continued………………..

    Merry Christmas all – see you next year !


    PS We are top of the league……….

  42. January 11, 2016 at 9:47 am

    Wednesday 15th December 2015 – 3rd Team

  43. January 11, 2016 at 9:47 am

    Wednesday 15th December 2015 – 4th Team

  44. January 11, 2016 at 9:48 am

    Wednesday 6th January 2016 – 1st Team
    You know when you come back after Christmas and you think that the first match will be okay as everyone else is in the same boat as you having eaten and drunk too much all through the festive period? Well this was nothing like that!
    This was a real tough one for us in the first half (when we only sneaked a 3-2 win). This time we were missing our No.2 and so everybody had to play up one position which ultimately meant carnage……..for our team!
    Still at least we got an early start and we also had 2 courts. On at number five was David Craig and he played Aberdeen University’s Alex Ross (will be interesting to see if West Squash enforce the “You have to play 3 matches in the 1st half” rule!!). The 1st game was a real hum-dinger and it finished 21-19. Both players had their chances, but Alex eventually came through to clinch it. In the second game Alex really got into his stride and Dave didn’t volley well enough, so the game began to slip away from him. The 3rd was also close and we almost secured a crucial team point, but it wasn’t to be (or not to be!).
    I noticed that the ball was a bit strange and found out that it wasn’t the normal Dunlop one, so I soon asked for a change of ball. I went on the other court and played at No.2 against Ewan Hearns and was out of the starting blocks like ‘s*** off a shovel’ and secured the golden team point. However after that Ewan woke up and won the next 3 easily! (although I had a sniff in the 3rd?!?!).
    Next up was Joe McDonald against Harry Anderson. Harry has got all the shots these days so I advised Joe just to do as much as he could to keep in the match. I didn’t see much of the match as I was on court, but he must have done this quite well as he appeared to be in every game. I joined it late on in the 3rd with Harry 2-0 up – however Joe was 10-6 up. Unfortunately he couldn’t capitalise on the lead (especially painful was one ‘tinned’ drop, were the whole crowd groaned in sympathy) as Harry dug in. In the end Harry won on a tiebreaker and so three more points to the Rugby Club.
    Next on was ‘The clash of the Dougies’ with Dougie Macmillan against Dougie Emery (as I realized when I said “Come on Dougie” halfway through the 1st game). This was 3 easy points to Dougie – t’other Doug had been up all night studying for an exam and I’m not sure he had played much over the festive period, so no real surprise. Three more points to Whitecraigs.
    Last on was Craig Valente-Wallace v Andy MacBean. These guys had an exciting 3-1 last time so this could have potentially been a real tight one. But it wasn’t to be tonight as Craig never really got going and (I believe) personal circumstances meant we didn’t see the best of him tonight. So The final three points to the Rugby Club.
    So off to the bar for veggie chilli for Ewan and I and ordinary chilli for everyone else to celebrate the 1 point gained tonight (down 13 on last time!).
    We need a big push in the next few weeks to capitalise on the great start we made last year.

  45. January 11, 2016 at 9:48 am

    Wednesday 6th January 2016 – 2nd Team
    Happy New Year to all readers and followers of the mighty DLWE second team.
    Just a short report to start the calendar year – but be assured, it was business as usual as we won out 15 – 5 winners at the pithily named ( not ) Giffnock 5 at Barrhead team. First time I have ever been there – the courts just felt weird, slightly cavernous, obviously been Dulux whitewashed recently, cold, floorboards not been changed or polished since 1953, and with a communal water machine right outside the court doors with a puddle that you had a to paddle through on and off court. Home advantage and a half.
    JT lost 3-0. Awful. Played awful. Somewhat unusual opponent – awful. Served – awful. Too much turkey and red wine – awful. You get the picture.
    Whilst I was on Michael Jackson was on the other court, managed to edge it 3 – 2 against a decent opponent. MJ actually playing in a Giffnock shirt – not sure how or why, but weird. Now, MJ was not a well boy, he kept saying he shouldn’t be playing and felt ‘Bad’ having been on antibiotics and in his bed for the previous week – he even asked Paul for a ‘GP medical opinion’ at one point. He played well but looked shocking and went straight home after with out staying for the food ( now that’s a total shocker in itself !!! ) Next day he tells me he has had pneumonia. Now, one can only reflect admirably on his commitment to the cause ( Colin are you reading this ??)
    Excellent pizza and chips from the Giffnock hosts – and with MJ not there, we all got an opportunity to have a good old scoff.
    Dr Dave led great conversations about sports fashion and colour coordination ( yes he did !) , the old football home internationals ( which was well before Finlay’s time ) and Northern Ireland in the 1982 World Cup !!!!

  46. January 11, 2016 at 9:48 am

    Wednesday 6th January 2016 – 3rd Team

  47. January 11, 2016 at 9:48 am

    Wednesday 6th January 2016 – 4th Team
    Well the Colonel is back, and if you add together the ages of my 4 team mates, they get to about my age. If you’re wondering about my maths, David Mazzucco deputised his position at number 5 to his close relative (and slightly better player) Sandro Mazzucco.
    And 3 of the team are at Glasgow Academy (or were) and disciples of John Kirby (as my son Ben ought to be!)
    First up Cameron Gauhl at Number 1 against Ally Martin. Cameron seemed well in control the bits I saw. But there must have been a lapse in Game 3, as the overall result was a 3-1 win (15-9, 15-11, 4-15, 15-12). A good performance at number 1.
    Next was Andrew Glen at number 2 who found himself in a close contest against old Jim Kerr, who seemed to be playing better than I recall. A tough match and bravely marked by Euan McAndie, Result a 3-2 win (15-9, 8-15, 17-19, 15-10 & 15-10). Well played.
    Then Sandro Mazz took to court against another useful youngster Daniel Paul, and a good quality intense and tiring match, ably marked by … Me! My main thought was how can I compete in Rubber 4, if this is the standard set in Rubber 5. Sandro played really well, but tired at times, plus a few trademark lapses which cost a few points each time. Result a 2-3 loss in an extremely close match which could have gone the other way. Best I’ve seen Sandro play (12-15, 15-11, 16-14, 7-17, 13-15). PS “you ain’t no muslim son !” said the bold Mazzucco to his son as he headed out to play.
    Meanwhile Euan McAndie was on the other court against eccentric Stewart Hamilton and I’m sorry to say I wasn’t able to watch the game. It seems he couldn’t deal with Stewart’s awkward ways and the result a 0-3 loss (8-15, 7-15, 11-15).
    The decider was down to the 4th rubber, me against young Joseph O’Sullivan. And during the warm up, I was already drafting my match report which was to boast unashamedly about my strong marking skills which sadly would not be matched by my squash. However, surprisingly things didn’t turn out that way and I managed a 3-0 win (15-6, 15-5, 15-9).
    So a pleasing 11-9 win for the 4ths (do we still get 3 bonus points as well?) If so 14-9, no idea what that means in the division. And can anyone tell me codes etc to enter scores? Unless someone else can actually do it on the strength of the scores put in here ….
    So to my surprise I like squash again, but I don’t like the food which was more of that thai jarred sauce in with a couple of soggy bits of broccoli and yellow pepper.
    And many many pints and a good few wines made their way onto our 4th team bill. Given that most of us are at school (incl 2 of giffnock’s team), and I am off the sauce this week, how is it that drinks get onto the wrong bill – maybe staff error? Shall we all make an effort to make sure our orders do go to the right place? Nothing against the nice folks in the 3rds – if I was to suffer a concentration lapse I might even buy some of them a pint!
    Nite Nite Col

  48. January 26, 2016 at 10:13 am

    Wednesday 13th January 2016 – 1st Team

  49. January 26, 2016 at 10:13 am

    Wednesday 13th January 2016 – 2nd Team
    Thursday night – it’s getting late. I’ve lost track of time. There’s just me, a white screen and a pool of light from the desk lamp. A glass of Glenlivet sits, ice cubes clink, it’s Amber refraction dancing across the keyboard, peace, harmony, wistful thoughts and faraway dreams……..then…

    …….oh shit…….

    …….gotta write the bloody match report again, where the hell to start.

    Easy bit – the Heroes of the seconds won 18-2, another regulation win – we were not Under Pressure at any point really, in fact it was a ‘god awful small affair’ against one of the Whitecraigs teams – David ( not White) Craig, ‘Starman’ Finlay ( sporting a rather dashing pair of board shorts and not wearing the team shirt )and Paul Trio ( who was actually setting his own personal record of wearing the team shirt on two consecutive weeks) all coasting to 3-0 wins ( no granny again for Paul, best he did was 15-1, poor show I thought), and both Dr Dave ( ooh la la la la la la la la la lalala ‘Fashion’ ) Ritchie and that trackie top and John (‘I’m Only Dancing’ ) Turner both winning 3-1. Gutted that we have no one in the team called (Major) Tom , or indeed any Young Americans.

    There had been some Ch Ch Ch Changes in the team from last week, what with Michael Jackson having been taking a lot of drugs for his pneumonia, and Colin Clark feigning injury once more as he’s so shit scared he may have to play a girl again – but that didn’t stop them both from turning up to ensure that the second team Boys kept swinging, and to keep an eye on those Scary Monsters in the first team.

    MJ took me to one side and said ‘ look JT, just for once can we drop the Michael Jackson references in the report, how about a Bowie themed tribute report ‘ – I thought it was a Bad idea, but when I knew that the match report had to be written and that I Gotta Be Starting Something down in ‘Black or White’ I thought again. This report might not be a Thriller, and I have definitely missed my chance of Fame, but these are Golden Years for the second team, so I will give it a crack ( that’s a reference to Bowie’s 70’s drug habit by the way ).

    Col actually only turned up to watch Jason (Let’s Dance) Broadberry play ( and Col hoped lose to, for some kind of reverse bragging rights) a girl – think her name may not have been Jean ( Genie ) , she didn’t look like a China Girl, her hair wasn’t a mess, she hadn’t torn her dress, and actually Jason beat her. Col was seething with anger, his hopes of a Jason loss to a girl dashed and were in Ashes (To Ashes). Although he hadn’t either played or paid, he still turned up for the food (if only the mercurial Bowie had written a song called ‘Pasta Surprise’ or perhaps ‘We’re Closing The Bar Now’ ) and there was plenty of it as 1, some of their guys headed straight off and 2, Michael had gone by then. He’ll be reading this thinking ‘Shit, I missed out on food’.

    Topics of banter amongst the seconds – except for DC who had left with Elvie, and Finlay who had gone off to ‘catch up’ (yeah , right ! ) with his girlfriend ( Modern Love I guess) each of which I could explain at length but won’t were :

    1. The way to Whitecraigs Rugby Club is left at the Waitrose roundabout, up past the fruit and veg and posh French cheese, right at the houmus

    2. Legends from the Greek Classics – specifically was it Medusa or Methusala who had snakes in her hair, what was the difference between Icarus and Lazarus, and what was Cassandra’s curse

    3. Finlay having called Col from the actual Whitecraigs Car Park to say that he couldn’t find his way to Whitecraigs. What an Absolute Beginner.

    4. The Whitecraigs team colour was kinda sky blue, but not the proper ‘trackie top’ sky blue sky Blue (Jeans).

    5. With the TV on we got the Sound and Vision of the Liverpool Arsenal match.

    6. Weather has been crap for cycling – Wild Is The Wind at this time of year

    7. And finally Dr Dave doing his usual Space (Oddity) cowboy bit by saying – ‘ music isn’t really my thing, what songs did Bowie actually do – I know he did that Major Tom one, is that what it’s called ?’

    Look Dave, please don’t ask me, I don’t know………

    And Ziggy Played Guitar………

    Still top of the league by a country mile



    PS – if you think I have missed any out, which I surely have, please keep it to yourself !

  50. January 26, 2016 at 10:14 am

    Wednesday 13th January 2016 – 3rd Team
    ‘All the way from Washington
    Her bread- winner begs off the bathroom floor
    “We live for these twenty years
    Do we have to die for fifty more”

    All night
    He wants the young American
    Young American young American ,he wants the young American
    All right
    He wants the young American ‘

    David Bowie

    After again another excellent and annoyingly early David Bowie packed report from JT in the seconds I thought of moving away from
    The David Bowie theme but as half the third team spent their teenage years stoned listening to lyrics such as the above I had to go for it. Of course they all never inhaled!

    The young students of today are more focussed on graduate employment and getting a mortgage. They also seem to be putting
    efforts on improving their squash as we found last Wed night against Glasgow Uni 3rds.

    I am not sure if ‘The Col’ ever inhaled but playing first against Joss shy boy O’Donovan he did plenty of exhaling. I marked this
    and initially Joss looked in command. However Graham gradually got a toe hold into the match and Joss increasingly looked tired
    and mistakes as a result came through . An excellent hard worked win and continuing the tradition of the 3rds having their girlfriends watching Graham was able to show off to his (Or at least I hope it was!) the athletic man he said he was.

    Win 3-2 12-15 15-12 5-15 15-13 15-7

    Meanwhile playing at one Alastair had also a real ding dong against Craig Everett . I only saw the last part of the match but the Squash looked good and Alastair certainly came close to losing his first match. Again I thought in the bit I saw excellent serving and domination of the ‘T’ ultimately won him the game.

    Win 3-2 16-14 13-15 15-9 12-15 15-10

    Paul was on next against Daniel Stuart and as rare as Halleys Comet appearing i.e. every 76 years Paul actually lost the match.
    I only saw glimpses as I was playing at the same time but Daniel whom Paul beat in the reverse fixture had like all the Uni players
    Improved and a match that could have gone either way went with the Uni

    Loss 2-3 10-15 15-10 13-15 15-13 10-15

    Johnny MacDonald went on as I was playing and again I only saw the last game which was high quality. Johnny had game points but could not convert. Afterwards he felt a bit down especially with his initial play but to be truly down try to be a Dundee United fan.

    Loss 0-3 3-15 11-15 17-19

    To keep the suspense going I have kept my match to last if the reader has made it this far. In actual timings I finished just before Johnny. Anyway I lost the first two and faced two match points in the third. I thought then what would all my squash heroes from the club have done say a Mcmillan a Ritchie or …a Mazzucco (David that is not Sandro)…. probably look forward to a pint and a pie, but no I managed to scrape the game and ultimately won the last two.

    Win 3-2 14-16 11-15 16-14 15-12 15-13

    Overall win 14-12

    Probably our hardest match of the season and easy to see why Glasgow Uni are second in the league so overall good to keep the unbeaten train still rolling.

    Food afterwards best of the season forgot the name of Pub but basically put our offerings to shame.

    Pub full of young trendy folk plus the DLWE 3rds

    Keep on rolling Young Americans !

  51. January 26, 2016 at 10:14 am

    Wednesday 13th January 2016 – 4th Team

  52. January 26, 2016 at 10:14 am

    Wednesday 20th January 2016 – 1st Team
    Away to deepest darkest Ayrshire this week to what proved to be a tough one and on the week o ‘Burns Night’ as well!
    Townend away and the team was hoping to pick up some points this week, especially as we won the first half battle at home, albeit with a close 3-2.

    First on was the ‘Great Chieftain o the Puddin-race’ Doug at No.4 and this was a bit of a low point in Doug’s season with none of the attributes he’s known for on show tonight. Kenny Hardy his opponent played well and deserved 3 points tonight. Doug left soon after (thro his pores the dews distil, like amber bead!).

    I went on next (but mark the Rustic, veggie haggis-fed!) against Scotty ‘Shabana’ Bradford. All good fun and games, but I frustrated Scott tonight with some good boasting and volleying to win 3-0 reasonably comfortably.

    Joe (McDonald) went on next at No.5 and played James Ramage. This was a great match up and went all the way to 5 games. At the end of the day it was all about who could hit the best length (as it often is) and James got to grips with it just that little bit better than Joe, all the games were tight but having been 2-0 up, it was disappointing to lose this one. Still Joe put in a big effort and gave it 100% (game for game, they stretch an strive: Deil tak the hindmost, on they drive).

    Jason Lang stepped up this week in every sense (Clap in his walie nieve a squash racket, he’ll make it whissle). He is still coming back from that fulie/chesty thing that everyone seemed to have over the Christmas and at 2-2 it looked like that was going to be the difference. It was a great game up to this point with Ross McHoul just managing to qualify for the 2nd half (by sneaking in the last 2 matches of the 1st half). Ross was flashing the shots all over the court and a 100% fit Jason would probably have been able to keep chasing, but not tonight as Ross took the match 3-2. Still you can’t fault the commitment from Jason and he really did everything he could on the night.

    A real tough one tonight for Craig at No.1 (Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face) against his friend Rory Stewart. This was close in the first half, but tonight Rory was playing a different brand of squash. He volleyed well and was right on top of his game. Craig gave it everything (the court see rustic Labour dight) but tonight he was just up against a man in form.

    Still good effort from the Townend lads on the catering front with plenty of (veggie) pizza!

  53. January 26, 2016 at 10:14 am

    Wednesday 20th January 2016 – 2nd Team
    Wednesday evening arrives and Glasgow is shrouded in a cloak of fog. Reports are coming in via the SMS service of 90 minute tailbacks from Newton Mearns. My journey was a breeze, which is only to be expected if you leave the house at 7pm. After a short diversion to pick up ‘the talent’ (David Craig) and ‘the mascot’ (Wee Elvie) off we toddled with a rendition of ‘the wheels on the bus’ and some complaints from the mascot about the suspension in my car.

    We arrived and were greeted by Jonny Mac coming off court. Unfortunately it was a 3-0 loss. I can’t comment on the match but know that Jonny put in 100%. If that wasn’t 100% he has a problem with his sweat glands and he should seek professional advice. The sponsor made a mental note to remind Jason B that Jonny will need 2 t shirts next season and possibly a sealable, water resistant bag to store them in. All joking aside, the team were grateful that Jonny answered the call.

    With only a brief moment to speak to Kenny Lumsden before his match, I felt it was important to gauge his mood and make sure he was in the zone. Unfortunately it didn’t take long to work out that 90 minutes on the M8 had induced some kind of post traumatic stress disorder in him. This became even more evident when Kenny persisted in shouting ‘MOVE’ throughout his game. With whom he was communicating, I will never know… But I suspect they weren’t listening. Unfortunately another 3-0 loss. It was great to see Kenny out playing for the team on a Wednesday night. It is a pleasure to listen to his analysis of the game and I was very thankful for his support in putting the referee in my match right on the rules.

    After two losses, we needed some points so the Captain used the mascot as the excuse to get David Craig on next. In a break of protocol it was the no. 1s on next. David made light work of his opponent finishing him off in record time. 3-0 DLWE. The mood improves.

    Breaking from reality, Paul T went on next at 2. Paul has been dependable, consistent and ruthless so far this season and he continued with another 3-0 win. Paul hasn’t dropped a game this year, never mind a match and assuming we go up we might need to improve the home match menu if we want to keep him.

    At 6-6 heading into the last match, your reporter had the opportunity to take the glory. For anyone I haven’t told, I am lucky to be alive, having recently suffered a dose of Pneumonia. I really shouldn’t be playing any sport but when you have the likes of Colin Clark (Daniel Sturridge??) in the team, you have to expect some heavy lifting when he breaks a toenail. On that matter I was slightly upset this week when Jason Grinton informed me that he once had ‘double pneumonia’ thus trumping my version of this cruel cruel illness…. Anyway, I lost 3-2, the ref had an impact on the game but I think Ali deserved the match. To rub salt in the wound I had no towel with me and had to blow my nose on my tshirt so no lasagna for me😞

    That’s our first loss of the season, disappointing but we are still league leaders. It’s important that we turn out for the rest of the season as we need league 3 next season.

  54. January 26, 2016 at 10:14 am

    Wednesday 20th January 2016 – 3rd Team
    “Well. I’m running down the road
    Tryin’ to loosen my load
    I’ve got seven women on
    My mind
    Four that wanna own me
    Two that wanna stone me,
    One says she is a friend of mine
    Take it easy,take it easy “

    The Eagles

    What with David Bowie going back to the stars and now Glen Frey seeing if Hell freezes over ,icons of the 70’s are dropping down.
    If I was part of the Wurzels I would be very worried indeed !

    As it was the thirds took it easy last Wednesday and even with seven women on their mind were too good I think for Scotstoun 3rds.

    Alastair was on first playing at one against Brian Canty . Even with man flu and waiting at Winslow Arizona his game was too good
    for Brian . Comfortable victory . Come on baby don’t say maybe

    Win 3-0 15-5 15- 8 15-12

    Because of the seconds sudden realisation they needed some quality players from the thirds I played at two instead of Johnny.
    I did have a swollen ankle from playing five a side (No excuses ) so was even slower than usual . However after sneaking the first
    against David Naylor Its a girl my Lord in a flatbed Ford slowin down to look at me.

    Win 3-0 16-14 15-10 15-9

    Paul at three was back to the usual groove against Josh Thornhill with a close but always predestined win . Again that lovely lob to the
    back, I gotta know if your sweet love is Gonna save me

    Win 3-0 15-12 16-14 15-9

    The transfer signing of the close season the Col was playing at 4. He managed to do a Jonny Macdonald by dropping a game but still too
    strong for Colin Tait. Don’t let the sound of your own Wheels make you crazy

    Win 3-1 10-15 15-7 15-7 15-10

    Last up was the transfer signing of the 1986 season David who playing Ryan Prentice managed to avoid the Windy Miller swings of his opponent
    and break his duck for the year (Even Sandro won for the fourths as well) . Lookin for a lover who won’t blow my …

    Win 3-0 15-10 15-9 15-11

    Overall 18-1

    Food was ok ,some of the Scotstoun guys had seconds ! Plans already being made for after gig party at end of season. Let’s hope rivals
    The Eagles legendary excesses.

  55. January 26, 2016 at 10:15 am

    Wednesday 20th January 2016 – 4th Team

  56. January 26, 2016 at 10:15 am

    Wednesday 27th January 2016 – 1st Team
    It was a 6 AM start tonight for the team as we played away at Hamilton. And it was just as well considering the amount of matches that went to 5 games!

    We played this match in reverse order with the No.1s going on first. So Craig against Alan Mackay. This looks like it was going to be an easy 3-0 to Craig, right up until he lost the third on a tie-break. Alan completely turned the tide in the 4th and so to the 5th. Fortunately for us, Craig got is mojo back and dominated the early stages of the 5th game. By the time Alan had recovered it was too late and Craig had too big a lead. So the first points on the board to us 3-2.

    Next on at No.2 was Jason Lang against Calum Philips. This had been an interesting one in the first half with Jason winning 3-1 but tonight he dominated proceedings, despite all of Calum’s great shots. 3-0.

    I went on next against Chris McGeady and like Craig it was all looking good at 2-0 to me. But Craig fought back really well and was making life very difficult for me. I thought he played well to come back in the 3rd and then he dominated the 4th and quite a lot of the 5th as well. I was staring down the barrel at 5-9 down thinking these youngsters are bloody annoying when they run for everything! So a change of plan was required and not a moment too soon as it turned out. I took the pace of the ball and just tried to fade it into the corners and what do you know one point turned into two and three et cetera and not too soon after I was match ball up. Well that was a bit of a get out of jail free card for me (I felt a bit older after that!)

    Next onwards Doug Macmillan at No.4 against Colin towers. Colin was playing well tonight and didn’t give Doug a sniff. Doug didn’t really appear to be timing the ball that well, which didn’t help his cause, but nonetheless well played to Colin who kept the pressure on and never let up. So 3-0 to Hamilton.

    Last on at No.5 was Joe McDonald against Stephen Healey – this was a bit of a match! Stephen was 2-0 up and really dominating proceedings and even in the 3rd game he was well up. In fact he had match balls. But Joe was tenacious at this point and did some unbelievable digging to stay in the match. He eventually wrestled back about four match balls to win the 3rd and then started to dominate the 4th. About that time Stephen pulled a calf muscle and started hobbling and from then on he really had no chance in that game. I was amazed to see him walk back on the court for the 5th but at 5-1 down I think Stephen realised he should not have come back on and conceded the match. This was some fight back for Joe and he showed a and amazing desire to win this one. It just goes to show that if you stick in you never know what will happen. Definitely man of the match to Joe for me

  57. January 26, 2016 at 10:15 am

    Wednesday 27th January 2016 – 2nd Team
    Short report this week on the seconds, mostly because I forgot all about doing a report and now can’t remember very much……..?

    Anyways, a regulation 18-1 victory – all very straightforward and with David Craig, Paul Tern , Finlay and JT all bagging 3-0 victories the main topic of conversation was about who lost the one. According to Michael he was still recovering his fitness and sharpness (!) from his alcohol induced bout of pneumonia, and he tried to persuade us that a victory is still a victory. If he hadn’t been engaging in so much banter, joking and chit chat with his opponent whilst losing that one game we might have shown some sympathy.

    Although he wasn’t playing, it was good to see Doctor Dave pitch up to lend his support to the team – sadly the trackie top wasn’t in evidence ; and also not playing was Colin Clark who not only turned up to support his colleagues, but also bravely volunteered to help out with the Veggie Lasagne – two helpings Clark ! That’s help out as in eat it rather than pay for it. His continuous questioning of who exactly lost the 1 game was a source of great satisfaction and amusement to all concerned – except Mr Jackson of course.

    Next up – Hamilton 4 at home !

    Still well top of the league


  58. January 26, 2016 at 10:15 am

    Wednesday 27th January 2016 – 3rd Team

  59. January 26, 2016 at 10:16 am

    Wednesday 27th January 2016 – 4th Team

  60. February 10, 2016 at 12:34 pm

    Wednesday 3rd Februuary 2016 – 1st Team
    It was a Western showdown last week and so hopefully our chance to pick up a few points against their 2nd team.

    I was only a couple of minutes late, but when I arrived there was already the discussion that many teams must have most weeks! And I’m equally sure it goes like this for everyone “Oh well if you are No.3 and I am No.4 and we’re here first let’s just play and get things started as there’s not much difference between the numbers” !!!

    I managed to divert this and at the same time get on first against the other No.3! So I played against Gavin Picken (who I had sparred with in the first half). I remembered he was an Ironman athlete and a good tennis player so the tactic of trying ‘not’ to get into too much of a run around would be crucial! For me!

    So inevitably the first rally seemed to last for an absolute age and I thought I’ve got no chance if this carries on. Fortunately it didn’t and I managed to hit a very good dying length (helped by the fact that Gavin didn’t volley much). In the end the result was comfortable looking, although I can’t help thinking it would have been much closer if I hadn’t got my tactics right. Another frustrated opponent and another one chalked up to experience for me!

    At No.2 Jason (Lang) went on next against Dave ‘Hello sailor’ Kelly. I joined this in the third game and Jason was comfortably in control. Unfortunately for Dangerous Dave he was just too quick and so Jase won comfortably 3-0 (no innuendo intended towards Dave, he’s just a sailor! #FrigginInTheRiggin)

    Craig (Valente-Wallace) went on next at No.1 against Sam Peacock and at the same time I marked the No.4 match which was Joe (McDonald) against Joseph Ghaemi, so I didn’t see any of Craig’s match. However, he seemed to be winning comfortably 2-0; but then Sam made a great comeback in the 3rd game, but ultimately Craig must have reapplied the pressure as the 4th was comfortable and he won the match 3-1. Sam was delighted with the point and presumably gave himself MOTM!

    Meanwhile, in the No.4 match up, our Joe was 2-0 down and not really getting the ball deep enough, then just like the match next door Joe won the 3rd game and looked good doing it with a much better length ball. However the 4th game was quite scrappy with both guys fighting for the dominant ‘T’ position; unfortunately for us Western’s Joe got on the ‘T’ more often than our Joe and eventually won the 4th game to take the match 3-1.

    Last on and making his 1st team debut was Finlay McGhee (which comes out as ‘Friendly Maggie’ on my voice recognition doofer!) against Jon Moore. Great performance in the 1st game saw him winning 11-3, but his opponent came back to take the 2nd – game on!

    Once again it was length to the back that was going to make the difference and this time Finlay managed to be the one to create the pressure and bring home the match 3-1. MOTM for Finlay the debutant.

    So a good 16 points for the team and I think we are getting vertigo with our lofty position in the 1st Division! So maybe we were due a special dinner to celebrate?? Nope Jacket potatoes! Yuck!!

  61. February 10, 2016 at 12:34 pm

    Wednesday 3rd Februuary 2016 – 2nd Team
    It was a “top meets bottom” clash for the high flying seconds on Wednesday night, and a regulation 18-1 victory was delivered. Not much to say, as nobody really needed to get out of first gear, but there were a few highlights, and we were introduced to a whole new concept which has been specifically designed for home matches.

    First, the highlights :

    This week, the ‘1’ was lost for a change (!) not by Michael Jackson, but by our top man David Craig who’s head was obviously still with Elvie ,her dolls and their dresses when he went on court and somehow inexplicably contrived to lose the first to 10 against an opponent he should just have blown away. Never seen DC looking quite as pissed off as when he came off court after that first game – he went back on and absolutely blew his opponent away to 15-0 with a granny ( Paul, you’re not the only one who can do it !!) and went on to ease through 3-1.

    Kenny played nice stuff for his 3-0 win – marker MJ should have had his sunglasses on as it was dayglo orange top vs dayglo yellow top. At one point I asked him how Kenny was getting on to which he replied ‘ he won the first two, but I know he’s beginning to get tired now as he’s started arguing with me ‘ .

    Our returnee Colin Clark , clear of his injuries and moving around the court with grace and aplomb, tried really hard to make a total mess of his first game and only narrowly squeaked home. Was 10-0 up in the second before conceding a point, wry smile as it was ‘aff’.

    I didn’t see Michaels victory as I was on at the same time against a guy who looked like a cross between Jimmy Saville, Mick Ronson ( alongside David Bowie in Starman) and the Brian bloke who was lead singer in The Sweet. He was actually a decent guy, but I swept to an easy win without getting a sweat on at all.

    Second, the new concept : Michael informed us all that Mrs. Jackson always prepares a ‘back up tea’ for him whenever we play at home, in anticipation of the David Lloyd grub being far from DLicous and Michael not being able to eat it and needing more food. Love it – ‘back up tea’ !!!! For your info, last nights back up tea was a curry with naan bread ( and needed given that it was jacket potato again – ergh !!)

    Good banter with the Hamilton boys. Afterwards the two Jason’s from the first team joined us to reminisce about getting pissed – good chat.

    Still double 20 (“tops”)


  62. February 10, 2016 at 12:35 pm

    Wednesday 3rd Februuary 2016 – 3rd Team

  63. February 10, 2016 at 12:36 pm

    Wednesday 3rd Februuary 2016 – 4th Team

  64. February 16, 2016 at 3:39 pm

    Wednesday 10th February 2016 – 1st Team
    A trip to the south side to play Giffnock 2 this week – the Giffnock young guns! You’ve got to hand it to the club, they really have produced some good young players over the past 5 or so years (and some good old ones as well!).
    First on this week was at No.4 was Joe ‘old’ McDonald against Jonathan Brady. Jonathan only had one gear and that was overdrive! Everything was hit like a tracer bullet, which meant he found it quite hard to control many shots resulting in lots of mistakes. So Joe got off to a great lead, winning the first 2 games. Jonathan’s teammates must have told him to slow things down because he gradually got back into the match and eventually won in 5 by controlling his pace much better (2 good team points from Joe though and a hard fought performance).
    Next on was the new addition to our team Finley McGhee against Mikey Rogerson at No.5. This was an ‘old school’ Giffnock performance with Mikey’s tennis volleying coming into full effect as he took the 1st game. Finley had to keep the ball straighter and lower. He did this in spade-fulls and so took the next 3 games reasonably comfortably to win the match 3-1. Another great performance (this 1st Division malarkey is easy eh Finley?).
    I went on next at No.3 against Mark Coyle. I had seen Mark play recently and I fancied my chances of dominating the ‘T’ and taking the game to him. Well I did right up until the middle of the 1st game when I realised that this was never going to happen! Fair play to Mark he put in a very mature performance and didn’t let me in at all (apart from when he let me in to win the 2nd game!). I felt I could have played better, but when someone beats you convincingly that is normally how you feel, so I just have to give credit to Mark for the win (and Owen Haden who told him how to play me!).
    We had a new No.1 this week as Jason Lang went on against Matthew Stout (Jason and Craig had a match in The U23 Nationals last weekend which Jason managed to win). This tie was a great match, with Matthew volleying beautifully to take the first two games and Jason digging in to take the next two. And so to the 5th! Well it was tight, but Matthew just managed to get the better of Jason this time by holding the ‘T’ and volleying Jason’s cross courts away. Still two more points to the cause and a decent performance from Jase.
    Fresh back from the British Nationals in Manchester and last on was Craig Valente-Wallace against Chris Murphy at No.2. This was only 4 games, but every one was really tight and at 1-1 and with Chris up in the 3rd game it looked like there could be an upset on the cards! Craig did just enough to come back and clinch the 3rd game 12-10 and then he went on to dominate much more in the 4th to force home the victory. You have to hand it to Chris though it was a good performance from him.004
    So into the bar for five massive pizzas – the food of athletes! Whilst I was in the bar I was having a discussion with a woman and she said “You guys are all the same, you only hear what you want to hear” and I replied “Sure, I’ll have a beer”. Erdinger please!
    A narrow 3-2 loss, but a great match and it’s how all matches should be played – hard fought and very even.

  65. February 16, 2016 at 3:39 pm

    Wednesday 10th February 2016 – 2nd Team
    Another standard victory for the high flying seconds at SSRC last Wednesday, with a 16-4 win. The few points worth highlighting are :
    Excellent work indeed from Michael Jackson, Colin Clark and David Craig all getting 3-0 victories – Colin coming back like the brave soldier he is from 14-7 down in one of his games.
    History being made with Paul Teron losing his first ever game since he started playing for the seconds, only winning his match 3-1. His opponent was a very decent player, but even still. Just this once he’s forgiven, but it won’t be forgotten. Just like Michael and Colin’s misfortunes in losing to a girl earlier in the season, this one is bound to get a mention in future match reports, although just to stress for the purpose of clarity, Paul did not lose to a girl, it was in fact Michael and Colin who both lost to a girl. In fact, Paul won, it’s just that he lost a game in winning, unlike Michael and Colin who both actually won a game in the matches they lost to girls.
    JT losing 3-1 when he really should have done better. The ‘message to brain’ simply didn’t get there, and he played like a girl ( who even Michael and Colin may have beaten on this occasion )
    The main post match subject of discussion, which was of course led by Michael, was food on the West squash circuit – this time we focussed on what food we would each bring in if like the SSRC guys, we had to bring our own meals rather than rely on the DLicious facilities at our place. Fanciful discussion ensued about Lobster Thermidor and Duck a l’orange before settling into a serious assessment of the virtues of a decent meat chilli or pepperoni pizza with extra pepperoni – all of which would be heaven compared to the weekly pasta offering, or the occasional pasta surprise offering ( ie jacket potatoes )
    Still well top of the league, and increasingly anticipating the end of season silverware party……

  66. February 16, 2016 at 3:39 pm

    Wednesday 10th February 2016 – 3rd Team
    Because I’m happy
    Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
    Because I’m happy
    Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
    Because I’m happy
    Clap along if you know what happiness is to you
    Because I’m happy
    Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do
    Pharrel Williams
    Due to the problems for the thirds in recruiting amongst their number someone who can put together some words that resemble written English, I by a process of not stepping back when the call was to step forward have the enviable role of commentating on our squash exploits each week.
    This should not be a problem except for my lack of English and a propensity to be a Lazy B…..d. So it is that I have not done a report for two weeks. The good news or bad news depending on the viewpoint is very few have noticed. Marx and Engels might have written ‘The Communist Manifesto ‘ and Lenin ‘What is to be done’ but when it comes to rousing the huddled and oppressed this weekly column has not hit that spot!
    I therefore have three matches to report on , our 18-2 win on 27/1 against Strathclyde Uni 3 , our 16- 5 win on the 3/2 against Wanderers 2 and last night’s win 18-1 against Broomhill 3.Readers still awake will notice all were comfortable wins and kept us in the clouds facing elevation to Olympus or at least Division 5
    Especially awake readers will note we only had one of our number drop a match, which means I should start with Alastair .
    Alastair playing at 1 throughout the season has been a winning steamroller. Fitness has improved and with more time on court has increased his competitiveness . He has been a cornerstone of our success and has only lost one match but let’s not dwell on that….he lost to David McPherson of Wanderers by the way . Last night I missed his match but he won 3-0 15-11 15-7 15-12 against Steven Murphy.
    Paul playing usually at 4 has also been a cornerstone. Again I can see fitness improvements in the season. His shot play is usually a joy to watch. Only one loss so far … and crucially by usually having a glass of wine does not make feel girly in having one as well. Last night again won 3-0 against Bob Whitesmith 15-2 15-11 15-13. The usual dominance of all angles in the court.
    Johnny Mcdonald at 2 again has only lost twice , hits the ball hard and well and apart from love distractions has also shown an upward path. Missed his win against Angus Thorburn 3-0 15-5 15-7 15-12 but sounded comfortable.
    The second Jonny – Neil usually playing 5 did not play last night. Some excuse of saving people’s lives at the Monkland’s hospital or as denizens of North Lanarkshire observe a hospital you go to but never come out of! Not, I am sure, any fault of Jonny. Jonny has played roughly half the season and is unbeaten. He is an excellent addition to the team and much to his annoyance his swing has been compared to mine.
    The Col ,Graham has played a handful of matches this season of which the best I thing was a crucial win against Josh of Glasgow Uni, in our closest match to date. He was due to play last night, but Broomhill were obviously afraid of his powers as they could not raise a fifth player.
    David Mazzucco has also played some matches this year for the thirds one of which was a pleasing win in the Strathclyde Uni game on the 27th. This showed, he still had it in him and maybe there is more than one squash player in the Mazz household.
    We have also had cameo appearance from Neil Ross and Cameron Gauhl, both of whom won. Neil as a result had a baby (or maybe his partner did) and has been indisposed with nappies while Cameron decided the fourths were better fun.
    I have played all matches (must have been struggling to get 5 players!!) losing two to date . Last night played Ray Small whom I must point out was there best player or at least I thought so. Won 3-1 11-15 15-3 15-11 18-16 – but a struggle at times .
    Overall the thirds having won all 17 matches are on 287 points ahead of Glasgow Uni on 259, who have won 14. We have five matches left and unless we all decide to abandon the rat race and live together in a commune in Amsterdam I can’t see us avoiding promotion.
    Food last night was actually decent, excellent soup and Broomhill guys good company.
    Roll on end of season party with TVs out the window, snorting white stuff from hookers naked midriffs and loosing 10 years of your life . Alternatively we will have a few pints of lager.
    We are Happy Happy !

  67. February 16, 2016 at 3:40 pm

    Wednesday 10th Februuary 2016 – 4th Team

  68. February 24, 2016 at 10:12 am

    Wednesday 17th February 2016 – 1st Team
    Strathgryffe this week and they looked like they were missing a player or two, so with home advantage could we capitalise on this? I was feeling old this week and it wasn’t just because I am! The average age used to be brought down by me playing in the team, now (especially with Finlay forcing his way into the squad) I put the average up from about 20 to about 30!

    First on at No.5 was the aforementioned Finley (McGee) against John Mechin (who was considerably younger than Finlay). When Finlay won the 1st game I said to him, if you play really well and keep up the pressure you have a great chance of winning – and you should take it because you will never beat this guy again, but you will always be able to say that you have beaten him! In the second game Finlay let the pressure off (for just a couple of points) and lost the game and the momentum. The 3rd was a similar story, but this time he managed to hold on by his fingernails to go 2-1 up. It was only in the 4th game that things were comfortable for Finley and he strolled home to win 3-1. Great effort from Finley and MOTM again for him I’d say.

    Next on court was Doug (Macmillan) against Chris ‘The Pirate’ Patrick (although he looks more like Grizzly Adams these days!). By Chris’s own admission he had been demoted to the 1st team this week!! But he still plays a good fast paced game that is difficult to break down. Unfortunately, for him, he came up against a rejuvenated Doug, who was moving well and not letting Chris dominate. Doug went 2-0 up and then Chris had to retire due to a leg injury in the 3rd (maybe he’ll need one of those pirate’s wooden legs!?!?! Arrrrghhhhh! And a parrot!)

    I went on next again Scott Adam at No.3 – who amazingly I had never played before. I got into a good 2-0 lead in the match, before Scott sneak the 3rd with some good retrieving and some tricky shots. It looked like this was going to be a real battle (and it was) but fortunately for me I managed to keep my nose in front in the 4th and that proved to be just enough to win the match (3-1)

    For the 2nd week at No.1 Jason (Lang) took to the court against his friends and coach Martin Woods. It is always difficult to beat someone who has coached you in the past, as they know your strengths and weaknesses probably better than you do. But Jason was playing particularly well tonight and I though Martin maybe lacked a bit of belief. It was 3-0 to Jason and a great win for him.

    Last on was Craig (Valente-Wallace) against James Dare at No.2 and this turned out to be the match of the night. James won the first 2 as Craig looked a bit off the pace. However he made a great comeback to take the 3rd and wrestle 5 match balls back in the 4th! The 5th was a little easier on the nerves and eventually Craig won 3-2. However fair play to James, he puts in a great performance and must have had Craig worried at match ball. Man of the match to James for Strathgryffe I would say.

    So off to the restaurant for a nice pasta bake. Unfortunately the cardboard that was served-up was terrible (not even a tonne of mayonnaise could save it!) so we spent most of the meal apologising to the opposition for the quality of the food. Still most people forced it down anyway – but then we’re not as fussy as the 2nd & 3rd team!

  69. February 24, 2016 at 10:15 am

    Wednesday 17th February 2016 – 2nd Team
    The 2nds were away this evening to our neighbours at Western and before I get into the nitty gritty, I will get straight to the point and say the food was as good as it gets.

    The main event included two large pizzas, accompanied by a selection of pasta with salad. Due to a few of the guys needing to leave early there was an abundance. The craic was great and Kenny was in great form. Some poor sod with early stage dementia couldn’t remember where he put his coat and made us all feel like thieves but apart from that, behaviour was excellent and Joe (6 slices) McDonald declared that Finlay can stay up there with “all they tall guys on the 1sts” if the food is as good as this every week.

    When asked about the food, we were informed that the new café/ bar had provided it and due to them employing a professional to make the food it was edible…. Where would you get it eh?

    Now the squash..

    1st on at no 3 was yours truly. My opponent and I established that we had both lost 3-2 to the gurl. This was a battle for pride. I won 3-0. Probably played my best squash on a Wednesday night all year. Hit decent length and managed to hit it straighter than usual… Next week I’m going to try a drop shot.. I put tonight’s improvement down to Jason’s squash session on Monday night. If you havent been in a while get down and place £5 on the racquet cover, you wont regret it!

    2nd on was Dr Dave playing at 4, sporting some baby blue, 80’s regalia. Dave of late has been studying the game like a young professional. He’s all about hitting the back wall and volleying and all that good stuff. Tonight the heat got the better of him and whilst he stayed in the rallies and was patient there were too many errors and when he went behind he was up against it. He went down 3-0. If Paul T had been there tonight he would have known what to say. I suggested a few less shifts at work. Please come back Paul!

    3rd on was Dave Craig at 2, with his golden racquet and small entourage. Dave was in good form, playing aggressive boasts and serving well. He teased his opponent with 3 close games on paper but anyone watching knew the result was never in doubt.

    4th on was Joe (6 slices) McDonald playing at no. 1, he played a guy who had some talent but no stamina. Joe took him apart in his usual savage efficiency. Its great to have Joe in our team and I look forward to Paul T and him playing to see who deserves the no. 1 spot (any chance?)

    Last on was Kenny (whatthefacksortofcallwasthat?) Lumsden, he fought hard (with the ref and the ref’s mate) and gave his fellow team mates a good laugh. At 2-0 down, we were sending messages (via Dave R) to tell him to give up as the pizza had arrived, but he fought on and took the 3rd. Within 5 minutes it was all over and the happiness of the food had begun (well played Kenny and your point is being noted as the one that gets us promoted✌️)

    It was agreed that we would try hard for the remainder of the season to give western a sporting chance of promotion… Our dividend – two western teams in division 3 and two meals at their place next year 🍕🍕🍕

    If my sums are correct we won 13-6 tonight and we are going up

  70. February 24, 2016 at 10:17 am

    Wednesday 17th February 2016 – 3rd Team
    If I am playing berth 3 in the 3rds, then as far as this season goes, we have weakened side tonight. No Beveridge, no Hannah regular stalwarts. After collecting my son Ben from tennis at Milngavie we arrived at Scotstoun with me saying “I would like a comfortable win tonight, but I have an awful feeling it is going to be v close”.
    Add to that the pressure of maintaining an unbeaten record currently held by the 3rds. In a decent mid table position Scotstoun 2’s are no muppeteers. David Mazzucco (no 4) (who was looking very dapper in his suit last time I was at Scotstoun handing out the trophies to the winners of the Pro Series event), had a fair battle against the bearded Mark Dodds. In the end he got a useful game (the 3rd) but went down 3-1. On the adjoining court Azmat (no 5) also succumbed to his opponent 3-0.
    Then Jonny McDonald went on in the number 2 match and me shortly after, so I didn’t see much of it, but he must have played to his usual standard winning 3-1 politely losing the 3rd.
    So I sensed my game (No 3)would be important, had son Ben watching too. David Mazz ably marking but we made it hard work for him with some contentious claims. If I’m being honest I would say David was frugal with his strokes but fairly generous with his lets. All balances out in the end? Anyway we swapped games me and Tom Blakeman (from Greater Manchester) and found ourselves shaking hands at the beginning of the 5th (after I apparently came back from 8-14 facing a plethora of match points in game 4 – don’t think I have come back from that before). Managed to crawl home with a narrow victory 15-13.
    Meanwhile the Teuchter at number 1 achieved a fairly typical win to seal the match, coming through 3-1.
    So that was 10-10 before the bonus points take it to 13-10.
    And for more info, please consider the 2 attachments. Inspired by all of this, I think Ben has agreed to go along to coaching at the Academy with John Kirby – maybe another young player coming through in due course?

  71. February 24, 2016 at 10:18 am

    Wednesday 17th February 2016 – 4th Team

  72. March 1, 2016 at 8:11 am

    Wednesday 24th February 2016 – 1st Team
    It was off to SSRC tonight and no surprise they had targeted us with their big superstars. Dougie Kempsell – PSA World ranked No.101 and Jamie Henderson (Scotland’s No.5) were both at No.1 & No.2 – so we had to win at 3,4 & 5 if we were going to cause an upset on the first half’s results.

    I went on first v Brian Robertson at No.3 – so this one for the match then! No pressure!! It was all going well after two games, as I was 2-0 up, but Brian fought back well to clinch the 3rd. It was nip and tuck in the 4th as well….and I had an early lead. But disaster struck as I pulled a groin muscle! I limped on for the next couple of points thinking I could just get some ridiculous nics, but it was soon obvious that I couldn’t even push off my right leg (let alone hit nics that I’ve never hit before!) so unfortunately I had to concede and that was our chance scuppered for the match! So it was straight to the ice machine for me and I think this injury may keep me out for a week or two (especially as we’re playing Newlands and
    Giffnock next!)

    Next on was Jason (Lang) v Jamie Henderson at No.2. It was great to see Jason flinging himself about the court and he certainly won a lot of the mini battles. However Jamie was just too strong (as you would expect) and it was 3-0 to SSRC.

    Doug (Macmillan) played Chris Holt a No.4 next and this was the match of the night. Could Douglas beat the wylie old coyote?
    Well the short answer is ‘yes’ – but it went all the way to 5 games and Chris was 2-1 up! However Doug was determined not to let the match slip. He moved Chris around in the first 3 games and by the 4th he had Chris puffing! Doug got good leads in the 4th & 5th games and with a strong final push, crossed the finishing line to win 3-2. Man of the match to both men I would say.

    Finley (McGhee) went on after this against Andy McCulley. Finlay stormed the 1st and looked in total control, but Andy won the 2nd in double quick time and so it was anyone’s match at that point. However Finley not only won the 3rd easily, but also got a good lead in the 4th, which he needed as he just scraped home 14-16 to take the match 3-1 (still unbeaten this season!).

    Last on was Craig (Vallente-Wallace) v Dougie Kempsell. To say Craig was up against it this week was putting it mildly! I missed this one as I had to go for a shower. And although the score was never in doubt Craig must have kept Dougie running, as after a really long shower they were still at it. Nevertheless Dougie won 3-0

    Still 8 more points to the cause and we’re still n 5th position! But with Newlands & Giffnock next I reckon we will end up around 7th (which when you remember that we were 10th & 11th previously means a really strong performance this season – surely we’re the DLWE team of the season!).

    Pizza for dinner and when they were put on the table it was said that the veggi one was for me, which kept everyone else at bay until they realised that I had scoffed three-quarters of it and theirs were gone!! Always watch out for the supersized Veggie!

  73. March 1, 2016 at 8:11 am

    Wednesday 24th February 2016 – 2nd Team
    So ‘7 Days’ after our trip to Western, the 2nds took on 2nd placed ‘All the Way From’ Hamilton – their 3rds team. With Captain Michael ‘don’t mention the girl’ Jackson being rested, Colin ‘don’t mention the other girl’ Clark was back from some presumed recent injury. Wednesday night’s ‘Rendez-Vous’ saw us field our strongest team of the season and what ensued was nothing short of ‘Hypnotic’.
    Sporting his now legendary pale blue track top Dr Dave was first on at 5, I unfortunately missed the action – however the team were able to ‘Fill Me In’ – and after a slow start Dr Dave pulled out a 3-1 win. Up next David ‘golden racket’ Craig with his not so ‘Hidden Agenda’ of free Wednesday night babysitting was playing at 3. Team jobs were divided – Paul ‘say my name John’ TREON to ref (a surprise in itself), Colin ‘don’t mention the other girl’ Clark to babysit, David ‘golden racket’ Craig to kick ass. And despite a remarkable unforced error rate, mainly involving the tin, a comfortable 3-0 victory followed.
    Colin ‘don’t mention the other girl’ Clark made his return at number 4. The first game was a bit nip and tuck, with Colin sneaking it 15-12. Paul gave the ever helpful advice of putting in a bit more effort in and, ‘You Know What’, it worked – wins in games 2 and 3 for the loss of 6 points each followed in quick succession.
    So with the win secured and leading 12-1, we needed just one just one more 3-0 victory to claim the Division 4 title (in the event we lose our remaining matches 18-0 we would be safe). Delightfully this challenge fell upon me, Paul ‘say my name John’ TREON, at 2. The match sadly ran away from me and despite knocking up a comfortable 3-0 win, I didn’t manage to achieve another granny – pained expressions as points were lost in each game – still another few chances in the coming weeks!
    Joe ‘welcome to the 2nds’ McDonald stepped up at 1 to complete the rout – and did so wasting no time at all. Some good running from both, but Joe was in control throughout.
    An 18-1 victory leaves the 2nds ‘All Alone Tonight’ at the top of the league – with an ‘Unbelievable’ 59 point margin over 2nd placed Whitecraigs RC. It is definitely ‘Time to Party’, though with the aforementioned girls to be played in the coming weeks we ‘Can’t be Messing Round’.
    An early finish gave us extra time to enjoy the delights of DL catering – the under/over cooked? risotto was crunchy, tasteless and just for a change meatless. The chips on the side (when fresh ones came) were fine – though not sure risotto and chips is a normal thing to serve? Our complaint of inedible and embarrassing food was rebuked with the information the 3rds had enjoyed theirs (‘One More Lie’ from DL as we have discussed with them how bad it was already). David Lloyd chef ‘We Don’t Love you No More’. We tried to invite ourselves to Casa Jackson for Mrs J’s famous back up dinner – but alas Michael ‘don’t mention the girl’ Jackson had already scoffed the free range, organic roast chicken!
    So all that leaves is the question of linking the song titles?? In the absence of Jacko can anyone name the artist?
    ‘Forever Yours’
    Paul ‘say my name John’ TREON.

  74. March 1, 2016 at 8:11 am

    Wednesday 24th February 2016 – 3rd Team
    “ The gods may throw a dice
    Their minds as cold as ice
    And someone way down here
    Loses someone dear

    The winner takes it all
    The loser has to fall
    Its simple and it’s plain
    Why should I complain “

    The Winner Takes it All – Abba

    After reading Paul Troen’s excellent report of the seconds match last week a couple of thoughts sprung up in my desert like brain.
    Firstly with all the musical wonderment of the past 40 years he ends up using Craig David as his inspiration . Either the seconds have gone low brow or he wishes to get a job producing music for lifts and/or Indian call centres option 4 then 4 then 5 ….. and to the start.
    Secondly well done to the seconds for winning the league title at a canter, after watching some of the matches last Wednesday I can see why. I had the embarrassment of saying to Al McKenzie that after watching a bit of Paul’s match I could have had a wet dream over the skill and technique Paul showed. Still didn’t manage a granny, but then again only Wayne Rooney has!
    Anyway turning to the other outstanding team of DLWE, no not the mid table firsts or the just missing promotion 4ths, but the high flying 3rds, how did we do.
    Missing Paul this week who had cricked his back putting on a sock , a well known hazards to the over 40’s amongst us, we faced a mid table outfit in Newlands 8.
    Newlands had contacted me to say at the last moment they had lost a player . Thus Azmat playing at No.5 for us, had a walkover, so one up before anyone could say love all.
    The first actual match was Alastair Mckenzie against Frank Logie at 1 . I only saw bits of this but Al was always in control and is already looking forward to his first pint on a planned team night out on the 17th March.
    Win 3-0 15-11 15-10 15-8
    I meanwhile marked Johnny Macdonald playing at 2 against Kenny Alexander. Johnny has at times the ability to play like a man destined for squash nirvana, other times Worzel Gummidge could beat him. So it was that after easily winning at the start Johnny narrowly won the second and lost the third. Suddenly enlightenment struck and he demolished Kenny in the fourth.
    Win 3- 1 15-8 17-15 6-15 15-5
    After going on about Johnny, I know how can I talk, well I can this week because for once pretty consistent and won fairly comfortably against Tony Pelosi.
    Win 3-0 15-7 15-10 15-4
    Last up and our closest to a granny (Not that I mean he looks like one !) was the Col against Alastair Mcleod . After 2 games of ding dong the Col saw the light and won 15- 1 in the third before closing the match in the fourth .
    Win 3-1 10-15 15-12 15-1 15-8

    Overall 18-1

    I have to echo Paul reference the food, the Thirds did not actually complain possibly as we were too busy seeing if we had medical insurance. Chips were ok!
    Short report this week, as I leave spare writing capacity for the showdown with the fourths who are next up.
    18 points in front of nearest challengers, unbeaten , only three to go what can go wrong – The Winner takes it all

  75. March 1, 2016 at 8:12 am

    Wednesday 24th February 2016 – 4th Team

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